Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 21:25     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
I’m going to be the voice of dissent and say to push back on DH. You can be supportive of your DH during this difficult time but you also cannot be put in the position to put your job at risk. I would tell the DH that you can only do daycare pick up X number of days per week and he has to figure out the rest. Whether it means he orders an Uber for his father, tells his siblings to drive him, takes FMLA himself or arranges childcare on those days, he has to figure it out. OP will no longer be enabling this dynamic. The DH also needs to demand the FIL allow him to speak to the medical team regarding his mother’s condition and prognosis if the FIL wants to continue to receive any rides. OP, I remember the other thread. Wishing you all luck as your FIL starts to decline himself.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 21:14     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.


the woman’s own children are being selfish and self-centered.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 21:12     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Geez. All of you folks saying this lady’s husband should not be going out of his way to help his father at a time where the FIL is facing the loss of his life partner and the DH is facing the loss of his mother. Good heavens. Have you no compassion? I’m sure you’ll be the first person on DCUM complaining about ungrateful children when your kids treat you the way you’re suggesting this woman’s DH treat his father.

When my mother was dying, I drove an hour daily to pick up my dad and drive him to the hospital to be with her. He was distraught but trying to stay strong to support my mom. He admitted he couldn’t concentrate and didn’t trust his driving skills. And I wanted to be with him, to talk about our grief and to support each other. It is terrible to watch a parent or a partner die. That isn’t the time to be selfish or self-centered. OP should think about the message she’s sending to her husband.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:57     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.


op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

Well, that is one heck of a dynamic your DH’s family has (just read the other thread). No wonder you’re exhausted and frustrated. DH is probably falling into old habits as he’s facing the loss of his mother, his Dad is being secretive and weird, and his brother is checked out (giving SIL a pass).

All you can do is offer your emotional support to DH while also having a CTJ regarding what’s realistically doable without endangering your livelihoods. Then DH can let his family know.

The signs are bleak, OP, the trip is probably off the table. Review your cancellation terms and see what/when you can cancel.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:54     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.


op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.


Thanks OP, I was the poster that referenced the earlier thread. It wasn’t meant as a gotcha, just further clarified that there are all kinds of things going on with multiple family members. I know your FIL is upset and grieving, but it seems unsustainable that your DH is doing all the driving when other options have been shot down by your FIL and his other children won’t step up. Maybe your husband can try to set some limits so others will have to pitch in. And your FIL should tell the doctor that your DH can ask about your MIL’s condition. Being kept in the dark about it doesn’t help anyone.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:51     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
So the real answer is that your ILs have burned out your BIL and SIL?
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:41     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.


op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.


Definitely don't ask anything of BIL's wife, she's suffered already. But the other two had better step up!
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:40     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
What is the brother doing while his father and brother are at the hospital?
No DH should not be doing all this.
I do think BIL and SIL needing to take all this time off work is crazy too though, be different if she was at home needing care. But she’s in hospital.
DH needs to man up and say no at least a couple nights a week and let it play out.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:39     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:This post reads mostly as if this whole thing is an inconvenience for you rather than the impending tragedy of losing a close family member. Glad you posted it here rather than taking it up with the family.

It’s also worth accepting that since these are your in-laws there will be dynamics you will never be able to understand. One of the gifts you can give your grieving husband is to stop demanding that he explain it to you.


If this was jeopardizing your position at work, all of you people telling this to OP would sing a different tune. She's a manager, and can't take off daily if her team is understaffed. That's just not possible.

OP needs to preserve goodwill for when she REALLY needs it. In the future, it will be FIL or OP's own parents, or God forbid something closer to home. Every time something happens, the family circle will get smaller and there will be fewer people able to help.

Here there are at least TWO other adults who have taken leave but need to be pushed to drive FIL!

You are being complete and utter jerks for putting this all on OP and her husband.

OP, talk to your husband, talk to the BIL and FIL. Sometimes there is no good time to put your foot down, but you still have to.

Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:37     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.


op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.



ughh OP don’t get pulled down by these losers. just say “sorry I have to work.”
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:34     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.


op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:19     Subject: Re:Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:18     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.


You are far too kind to OP. She is a terrible person. When my MIL was in a similar situation, my husband was constantly traveling to his hometown (a four hour drive). And I was going there on weekends with a toddler. I never once thought to complain. It was simply the right thing to do. I hope OP has a DIL just like her someday!



Were there two other actual children of the ill person refusing to do anything and expecting OP to bear the brunt? That’s understandable for a few days of crisis but not weeks/months.
Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:14     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.


You are far too kind to OP. She is a terrible person. When my MIL was in a similar situation, my husband was constantly traveling to his hometown (a four hour drive). And I was going there on weekends with a toddler. I never once thought to complain. It was simply the right thing to do. I hope OP has a DIL just like her someday!



Was your job on the line, PP, and were other able-bodied adult siblings not being asked to pitch-in? Don't be ridiculous. Your situation was probably very different.

Anonymous
Post 02/26/2024 20:12     Subject: Critically ill MIL/upcoming vacation/transportation issues with FIL …
Anonymous wrote:I think that you should reset expectations around your vacation - it seems unlikely that you'll be in a place to be able to do that in April as MIL's condition will likely be worsening or she will have passed and your FIL will need support. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.


What's outrageous is that he's not asking BIL, who is living with him. It should not be on OP's husband. The others can pay for an Uber, for goodness' sakes, until they grasp that they should drive themselves.