Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:58
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:I don't know that it's a reasonable thing to expect a college professor to make big bucks in the private sector unless they happen to be doing research in a high demand field. Even then you're basically asking them to give up their career and everything they understand about professional life for a totally different experience. Should've just married a lawyer or dr if you wanted that life.
I agree... it is SO HARD to pivot to the private sector, especially the further out you are from the PhD. Sounds like he already has tenure if there is a sabbatical coming up. Also the market kind of sucks right now, I would be holding on to my tenured role with my life if I could.
But it sounds like the husband also enjoys a more expensive lifestyle, so I cannot 100% side with him.
Honestly they both have issues. The direct deposit thing is passive aggressive. Sounds like she has too much resentment to have productive counseling though.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:52
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
I don't know that it's a reasonable thing to expect a college professor to make big bucks in the private sector unless they happen to be doing research in a high demand field. Even then you're basically asking them to give up their career and everything they understand about professional life for a totally different experience. Should've just married a lawyer or dr if you wanted that life.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:45
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Nobody said she shouldn’t downsize/lean out of work.
OP isn’t asking for that. She is asking for her DH to become a breadwinner so she doesn’t have to work at all. She is also calling him a bum and making him sound like a deadbeat when he is a professor with six figure salary. She hasn’t really discussed how he is as a father or partner around the house, she’s just angry that he won’t make.more.money like she thinks he should.
She’s also handling this very immaturely with financial hiding tactics and is basically playing some sort of game of chicken to see if he’ll divorce her.
And she’s all over the place claiming she will easily be fired and won’t be able to find another job, but also she can quiet quit and even if she loses her high paying job and gets divorced she and her kids will magically be able to live just fine because she’ll get some other job. So which is it?
I think ultimately OP is stressed about her job and instead of rationally seeking out a recruiter and exploring other sales-adjacent options, she is displacing her feelings on her DH. But when anyone points this out she insists she is oh so clever with her deposit schemes and the rest of us just don’t get it. Like ok ma’am why are you here then if you have it all figured out.
+1 to every word of this.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:36
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
I never know how to think about this issue. I’m an Uber feminist and SMBC, also a high earning med professional. So I am the breadwinner and the mom, but I rarely see this setup work well for my married female colleagues. Many of them out earn their husbands and to a person there is friction over this issue in the home, largely bc their male (in the case of hetero couples) just can’t contribute at home in a way that evens things out.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:32
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Nobody said she shouldn’t downsize/lean out of work.
OP isn’t asking for that. She is asking for her DH to become a breadwinner so she doesn’t have to work at all. She is also calling him a bum and making him sound like a deadbeat when he is a professor with six figure salary. She hasn’t really discussed how he is as a father or partner around the house, she’s just angry that he won’t make.more.money like she thinks he should.
She’s also handling this very immaturely with financial hiding tactics and is basically playing some sort of game of chicken to see if he’ll divorce her.
And she’s all over the place claiming she will easily be fired and won’t be able to find another job, but also she can quiet quit and even if she loses her high paying job and gets divorced she and her kids will magically be able to live just fine because she’ll get some other job. So which is it?
I think ultimately OP is stressed about her job and instead of rationally seeking out a recruiter and exploring other sales-adjacent options, she is displacing her feelings on her DH. But when anyone points this out she insists she is oh so clever with her deposit schemes and the rest of us just don’t get it. Like ok ma’am why are you here then if you have it all figured out.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:06
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:Ok I haven’t read everything but I was in your situation.
I married DH when we were both young. I was just out of college and he was working. So outearned me at that stage. I ended up being a high income trajectory so by the time we had kids I was outearning him 2x. I was also resentful. I loved my kids and wanted to be around them. But to quit work and go to one much lower income didn’t make sense. Plus I was good at my job and clearly had a lot more potential than DH.
So. In the end, I asked DH to step up. He took on a much more caregiving role when they were little. I concentrated on my career. But because he was doing a lot of the admin tasks, I could spend time with our kids when they were little, rather than doing housework.
At the time I was resentful but it has turned out well now I am 52. Now I earn $1.2m plus, kids are amazing, our family is intact. DH has a job he loves and I have a lot more flexibility as I have become more senior.
I feel for you OP. You are so angry and resentful. And him sending money to his family and buying people wine would have really upset me when I was in your situation. But think of future you - you don’t have to stay married. But it sounds like you want the best for your kids - the better income earner you are, the better their life will be
+1
He seems so immature
Anonymous
04/03/2024 09:04
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Not sure what you are trying to say. Most of the comments have to do with how she is raising this with her spouse (cutting off direct deposit) and the contempt she has for him (which is documented going back at least 4 years).
She’s cutting off direct deposit because he refuses to downsize and won’t compromise. She has contempt for him because of this as well. She doesn’t want to keep funding this lifestyle that she hates (not enough time with her kids and too much stress). Sorry he needs to find a new funding source if he wants that life. He’s not entitled to a lifestyle 3x’s his income. Especially when his income is completely sufficient for a family.
This.
He’s being unreasonable and irrational. Turn off the slush fund.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 07:41
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Op, are you aware that every time you post about this you have pregnancy hormones in your body? This may explain your irrational thinking.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 07:03
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Let's see ... you want the $$$ but didn't want to actually continue working for it and you look down on your husbands career. If you're not a troll you're a real piece of work.
Anonymous
04/03/2024 05:05
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What has the husband actually done wrong? Also, what “hobby job” has a sabbatical?
This is clearly a troll.
I am not a troll. My husband is a professor. To me this is a hobby job because he could 3-10x his income in the private sector if he felt like it. But he doesn’t feel like it when I make everything possible at the expense of my health and ability to be a good parent.
I could have written this post, and relate so much to OP. I was a highly paid medical professional (think surgeon) and my husband works for the government, in a job he feels is "meaningful" but I regard as a hobby. I actually did quit my job when our DC was 5 to move our family overseas for his job. I'm told he is incredibly brilliant and successful, but all I care about is the $$. Now that I'm no longer supporting us, I told him he needs to feel the pressure (for the first time in his life) to be the breadwinner and support his family. He can only work so much overtime, but he promises me he'll retire at the earliest possible date (in five years) and make bank in the private sector. We'll see.
I have no regrets because I was horribly burnt out and I love spending unlimited time with our child. It's not selfish, OP, it's what's right for you. Best of luck!
Anonymous
04/03/2024 04:32
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Ok I haven’t read everything but I was in your situation.
I married DH when we were both young. I was just out of college and he was working. So outearned me at that stage. I ended up being a high income trajectory so by the time we had kids I was outearning him 2x. I was also resentful. I loved my kids and wanted to be around them. But to quit work and go to one much lower income didn’t make sense. Plus I was good at my job and clearly had a lot more potential than DH.
So. In the end, I asked DH to step up. He took on a much more caregiving role when they were little. I concentrated on my career. But because he was doing a lot of the admin tasks, I could spend time with our kids when they were little, rather than doing housework.
At the time I was resentful but it has turned out well now I am 52. Now I earn $1.2m plus, kids are amazing, our family is intact. DH has a job he loves and I have a lot more flexibility as I have become more senior.
I feel for you OP. You are so angry and resentful. And him sending money to his family and buying people wine would have really upset me when I was in your situation. But think of future you - you don’t have to stay married. But it sounds like you want the best for your kids - the better income earner you are, the better their life will be
I married DH when we were both young. I was just out of college and he was working. So outearned me at that stage. I ended up being a high income trajectory so by the time we had kids I was outearning him 2x. I was also resentful. I loved my kids and wanted to be around them. But to quit work and go to one much lower income didn’t make sense. Plus I was good at my job and clearly had a lot more potential than DH.
So. In the end, I asked DH to step up. He took on a much more caregiving role when they were little. I concentrated on my career. But because he was doing a lot of the admin tasks, I could spend time with our kids when they were little, rather than doing housework.
At the time I was resentful but it has turned out well now I am 52. Now I earn $1.2m plus, kids are amazing, our family is intact. DH has a job he loves and I have a lot more flexibility as I have become more senior.
I feel for you OP. You are so angry and resentful. And him sending money to his family and buying people wine would have really upset me when I was in your situation. But think of future you - you don’t have to stay married. But it sounds like you want the best for your kids - the better income earner you are, the better their life will be
Anonymous
04/02/2024 23:45
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Not sure what you are trying to say. Most of the comments have to do with how she is raising this with her spouse (cutting off direct deposit) and the contempt she has for him (which is documented going back at least 4 years).
She’s cutting off direct deposit because he refuses to downsize and won’t compromise. She has contempt for him because of this as well. She doesn’t want to keep funding this lifestyle that she hates (not enough time with her kids and too much stress). Sorry he needs to find a new funding source if he wants that life. He’s not entitled to a lifestyle 3x’s his income. Especially when his income is completely sufficient for a family.
Anonymous
04/02/2024 23:36
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
Anonymous wrote:I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Not sure what you are trying to say. Most of the comments have to do with how she is raising this with her spouse (cutting off direct deposit) and the contempt she has for him (which is documented going back at least 4 years).
Anonymous
04/02/2024 22:53
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
I find these responses so hypocritical. If a man posted ‘I want to downsize our lifestyle so I can spend more time with our kids but my wife says no’ most would support him, many would encourage him to look for a new job anyway. They have plenty of money. She can take a year off with the baby. She can find a lower paying job later. He can stay or he can look for a different sugar mama.
Anonymous
04/02/2024 22:37
Subject: I disconnected my direct deposit
I have a feeling even if OP got what she supposedly wants (to be a SAHM on a 150k HHI) she would find the stress of caring for an infant and toddler (while learning to budget with 1/3 their current income) to be miserable and would still hate her DH.
The smart thing to do would be to use some of the money she is making to outsource to make life easier (plus continue to bank money in savings to help alleviate fears of unemployment) and maybe reach out to a recruiter to look for opportunities to downshift.
But instead she just wants to hate her husband because he won’t get a 30k promotion so she doesn’t have to work.
The smart thing to do would be to use some of the money she is making to outsource to make life easier (plus continue to bank money in savings to help alleviate fears of unemployment) and maybe reach out to a recruiter to look for opportunities to downshift.
But instead she just wants to hate her husband because he won’t get a 30k promotion so she doesn’t have to work.