Anonymous wrote:Thanks all - appreciate the support...and, well, yikes - it sounds like this is only going to get worse over time (or until SIL gets around to having a kid).

To answer some Qs:
- Yes, 1st and only grandchild.
- Yes, definitely has other boundary issues, and also narcissistic.
- Baby is 5months, EBF. I do hold him a lot (or have him in the Ergo), but honestly? I *like* holding him. He likes being held by me and DH and other similarly low-key people. He grimaces when MIL takes him, but then, we talk to him in a calm, normal voice, while she's of the super-highly animated high-pitched baby voice variety, so maybe it's that he objects to. I don't really feel that I need a break, and enjoy spending my time with him.
- I would love to visit less frequently, but DH is very close with FIL so we go over primarily to see him. DH is not very close at all with MIL, so I often get left with her and baby in the living room while he and FIL go off and do their thing.

Bottom line, I guess, is that I need to have a (very) frank conversation with DH about this.

OP I am in the same situation! I feel for you.

OP, I am the PP who has a MIL like yours. DO NOT LET HER HAVE CONTROL. She is trying to take over and control your child. Don't let it happen. My MIL also used to come over and grab my child out of my arms the minute she saw him and he hated it and would cry. Last time she tried to do this, I said "give him a few minutes to warm up" b/c he has just woken up from a nap and she had just arrived at our house. She made some snarky comment like "you are going to have to separate from him immediately for GRAMMA!" and I turned my back and walked away and said "I dont think so!"

Hear me now and believe me later: In about three years, you're going to be so grateful for this.

Not the OP but this type of "I shouldn't have to ask before I grab your baby because I don't owe you that basic courtesy" never became a welcome thing to me. When I tried just not showing up to family events, they tend to be difficult in terms of providing any help to my DH, which is a little weird because, when I am there, I am not even allowed to feed my sons. I have just found that being overbearing doesn't translate to also being helpful when it might actually be helpful.

OH MY GAWD OP WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER IN LAW!!!! My MIL did this with my first child ALL THE TIME. I thought it was really strange. Within a couple weeks of my first child's birth, my MIL was counting the ounces of pumped breastmilk in the refrigerator to see if the amount could sustain my infant while she took him away! She was always saying things like "soon I can take him to my house and he can stay for the weekend!" Keep in mind the baby was like 14 days old and I was breastfeeding.

She continued this behavior for about a year. I had to put up boundaries and when she said she wanted to take the baby for the weekend without me there, i would say things like "Don't you want to spend time with me too?" or I would act all offended that she did not want me around.

Op, eventually, after a year, she stopped. I never let her take the baby away without me b/c I thought she was being insane. When she said stuff, I just always said "Oh well, I guess you don't want to hang out with ME!" and I would put her on the defensive so she would be forces to say "Yes, of course I want to hang out with you too."

I am on my second child, and she has not started this behavior with my second. The imporant thing is to put up boundaries and DO NOT LET your baby be alone with MIL!!!

Anonymous wrote:16:56 -- did you ever confront your ILs? Has it gotten better?

I did not ever confront my ILs with therapy-speak, because I lacked courage and I honestly don't think they quite understood that their approach is overbearing, disrespectful and often creepy.

What I did do though is grow a stronger spine and be somewhat more forceful in saying "Knock it off. NO, really, knock if off Gladys. Susie is never, ever going to travel to Costa Rica with you and Albert on a vacation without me. Ever. It makes Susie sad when you keep bringing it up, because Susie and I have talked, and she understands it's never, ever going to happen."

Also, as I mentioned, the situation started to get better only when "Susie" got older, less cherubic, and evidenced a mind of her own (that doesn't always gel with what overbearing, narcissistic Gladys's plans). Susie's no longer a mute baby but a tween who can and has said things like, "Gladys, Costa Rica sounds boring."

Thanks all - appreciate the support...and, well, yikes - it sounds like this is only going to get worse over time (or until SIL gets around to having a kid).

To answer some Qs:
- Yes, 1st and only grandchild.
- Yes, definitely has other boundary issues, and also narcissistic.
- Baby is 5months, EBF. I do hold him a lot (or have him in the Ergo), but honestly? I *like* holding him. He likes being held by me and DH and other similarly low-key people. He grimaces when MIL takes him, but then, we talk to him in a calm, normal voice, while she's of the super-highly animated high-pitched baby voice variety, so maybe it's that he objects to. I don't really feel that I need a break, and enjoy spending my time with him.
- I would love to visit less frequently, but DH is very close with FIL so we go over primarily to see him. DH is not very close at all with MIL, so I often get left with her and baby in the living room while he and FIL go off and do their thing.

Bottom line, I guess, is that I need to have a (very) frank conversation with DH about this.

Tell her directly to stop with the negative comments about you. I like the PP's suggestion about it being confusing and upsetting.
When she approached you to grab your child, hold your hand/arm up to stop her and say "wait a minute, please." If she still tries to grab then just turn your body away and repeat, "WAIT a minute, please."

Next time I'm holding my baby in front of MIL I would be like "oh you're so happy to be away from the smelly decrepit old lady, aren't you? Yes you are my sweetheart!"

Thank God my MIL is nice...

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the EXACT situation with a local MIL. First and only grandchild.

Most PPs aren't getting it. There is love, and then there are narcissistic women with boundary issues. Does she have other problems with boundaries, by any chance?

Even if not, what she's doing is not normal. It's OK to "spoil" a grandchild with an extra cookie or tix to Mary Poppins. It's NOT OK to overtly and unapologetically try to be divisive, insult a mother, and pretend a baby is yours when its not.

I am sad to say, OP, that this unhealthy mental thing will likely persist if your MIL does indeed have narcissistic boundary issues. Tried to plan a 1st birthday party yet? Look out! Or buy a 1st Halloween costume, or pick a preschool, or, well, you get the idea.

Here's a thread I started years ago. You know the ONLY think that's helped? The child growing older and less adorable, not always "sweet," and with a mind of its own:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/48676.page#337111

There is some really thoughtful advice on that old thread ^^^

Hear me now and believe me later: In about three years, you're going to be so grateful for this.

16:56 -- did you ever confront your ILs? Has it gotten better?

This would drive me crazy, OP. No advice ... Just sympathy.

OP, I was in the EXACT situation with a local MIL. First and only grandchild.

Most PPs aren't getting it. There is love, and then there are narcissistic women with boundary issues. Does she have other problems with boundaries, by any chance?

Even if not, what she's doing is not normal. It's OK to "spoil" a grandchild with an extra cookie or tix to Mary Poppins. It's NOT OK to overtly and unapologetically try to be divisive, insult a mother, and pretend a baby is yours when its not.

I am sad to say, OP, that this unhealthy mental thing will likely persist if your MIL does indeed have narcissistic boundary issues. Tried to plan a 1st birthday party yet? Look out! Or buy a 1st Halloween costume, or pick a preschool, or, well, you get the idea.

Here's a thread I started years ago. You know the ONLY think that's helped? The child growing older and less adorable, not always "sweet," and with a mind of its own:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/48676.page#337111

OP- I feel for you and if possible would have your DH talk with your MIL as soon as possible. If she's at all like mine, it won't end and will get more annoying. I've taken to saying things like, "We love having you visit, but this is family time so we'd like to be together" She also insists on bringing "treats" for them often and before I felt I had to let them eat them, now they go in the cupboard and are thrown away or donated. If kills me b/c MIL has very little discretionary money and it is wasted, but I have been clear about not wanting our kids to have that day in and day out. I'm fine with dessert and special things periodically, but boxes of candy are not necessary every week! DDs are 4 and 6.

My MIL often vacations with us, I finally told DH I could only put up with this if MIL promised not to offer to babysit or insist we go off alone. In turn we promised to ask her to babysit when we wanted help. I made sure we asked once and she stopped trying to shoo me away from my family every minute of the vacation - still not the most enjoyable, but better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We see my inlaws once or twice a week. The minute we're through the door it's a barrage of "Where's my baby? Let me see my baby!! I want to hold him!! I need my baby fix NOW!!! Oh, get him out of that thing (Ergo)!!!" - *yank* grabs baby from me, sometimes ripping him right out of the carrier.

Then, when she is holding him, it's all "let's go upstairs, just you and me, you've had enough mommy time, we can have so much more fun without her, I'm going to let you break all mommy's rules, and when you're older I'm going to take you to the museums and the zoo and we're going to have so much fun without mommy, mommy's so boring, you see her all the time..." ad infinitum.

It drives me mental, and believe me, I'm really a pretty laid back person. I recognize she thinks this is fun, but how can I make it stop? She literally snatches him out of my arms with a "mommy holds you too much, time for GRANDMA!!" every time I see her. So far I've just reacted with a curt smile and haven't said anything, but I'm really thinking I need to draw the line.

Ideas?

Not that you are but are you one of those mothers that is always holding your baby? I love it when people take my baby away so that I can relax. A lot of us recognize that if the baby were still in the room you keep watching and might try to interfere if the baby is fussing up or not approve of the hold on the baby, etc. So by taking the baby away you can actually rest. It sounds awesome that you have someone that will do that and I would take every minute of it. Why don't you schedule with your MIL time where she takes the baby and you get a pedi or go shopping? Win win for both of you.

This is great for YOU because this is what YOU want. But not every mother is the same and OP shouldn't have to bow to MIL's whims just because MIL might think she's helping.