Anonymous wrote:This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

op here - yes! That was me. Hopefully this thread won’t get deleted now because I’ve posted about my inlaws and their dynamic in the past. I think Jeff wants threads to continue rather than create new ones …

But yes, there’s multiple dynamics here. The SIL in that post is not the biological daughter, she married my BIL (my husbands brother) and they all live together.

My other SIL who is the daughter of MIL has taken FMLA and lives down the road.

This rang a few bells. Is this you, OP?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

If so, it sounds like the dynamic has been a sh*t show for a while. The SIL in that older thread was asked to do a lot of elder care, almost tricked into it and the FIL treated her pretty terribly. I can see why she’d be stressed and over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

You are far too kind to OP. She is a terrible person. When my MIL was in a similar situation, my husband was constantly traveling to his hometown (a four hour drive). And I was going there on weekends with a toddler. I never once thought to complain. It was simply the right thing to do. I hope OP has a DIL just like her someday!

Were there two other actual children of the ill person refusing to do anything and expecting OP to bear the brunt? That’s understandable for a few days of crisis but not weeks/months.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

You are far too kind to OP. She is a terrible person. When my MIL was in a similar situation, my husband was constantly traveling to his hometown (a four hour drive). And I was going there on weekends with a toddler. I never once thought to complain. It was simply the right thing to do. I hope OP has a DIL just like her someday!

Was your job on the line, PP, and were other able-bodied adult siblings not being asked to pitch-in? Don't be ridiculous. Your situation was probably very different.

Anonymous wrote:I think that you should reset expectations around your vacation - it seems unlikely that you'll be in a place to be able to do that in April as MIL's condition will likely be worsening or she will have passed and your FIL will need support. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.

What's outrageous is that he's not asking BIL, who is living with him. It should not be on OP's husband. The others can pay for an Uber, for goodness' sakes, until they grasp that they should drive themselves.

NO.

You are not accommodating this family dynamic!!! This is the time to break it.

Your husband has to visit the hospital all by himself and have an honest conversation with the doctors.

Sometimes no one knows when a patient will pass away, but if a DNR was signed and she's on a ventilator, then maybe she doesn't have very long. It's unlikely she'll get better.

What's absolutely clear is that you do not endanger your professional credibility, which you need to provide for yourself and your family, just because FIL, BIL and SIL are not stepping up! You call the BIL/SIL and tell them you cannot leave work, and it shouldn't be up to your husband to do this all by himself. You lecture your husband that he can't do this every day.

I think that you should reset expectations around your vacation - it seems unlikely that you'll be in a place to be able to do that in April as MIL's condition will likely be worsening or she will have passed and your FIL will need support. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.

It certainly sucks, op, it this is what everyone talks about regarding the difficulty of being in the sandwich generation. Also, don’t be obtuse about FIL “driving fine.” He’s old and his wife is dying-you can’t actually be surprised that he’s more comfortable with the familiar and rural drive to the cabin than unfamiliar congested city driving and parking.

1. No it’s not sustainable for your husband to drive an extra 1.5 hours each way and for you or you and he both to cut your work hours. It’s not just PTO, you really can’t habitually leave 1-2 hours early or arrive 1-2 hours late in a management position. How many days has your husband been doing this? He needs to tell his dad that he can’t do this and stay employed. You guys could try to find a temporary nanny to pick your daughter up from daycare which would preserve your job but your husband will still have issues.

Options for your FIL a he drives himself b hire a driver c another relative or d hotel or airbnb. His preferences, even during a time of grief, don’t over ride your need to be employed.

2. Vacation. It is what it is. He can’t really tell you whether she will recover, not recover etc. April is still more than a month away. You already bought the tickets so there isn’t much you can do. You and your husband should talk through different scenarios what the two of you want to do. Don’t seek FILs permission, blessing or whatever to go on vacation.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

You are far too kind to OP. She is a terrible person. When my MIL was in a similar situation, my husband was constantly traveling to his hometown (a four hour drive). And I was going there on weekends with a toddler. I never once thought to complain. It was simply the right thing to do. I hope OP has a DIL just like her someday!

It does not sound to me like there is hope for getting better based on your description. Has the medical team talked about comfort care options? I know you said FIL doesn’t share but where was your husband during the ICU stay? Drs will honestly talk to anyone that is in the hospital room. All you need to do is be there in the morning when they round. In the future, use this approach. Visit in the morning and get involved. It sounds like your MIL is really suffering and could benefit from a palliative care consult to help the family to consider what she would want and if keeping her comfortable would be a better option.

Your husband could probably take the same approach in the long term acute care setting. They may not round as much as in the hospital but there is still a Dr coming around to see her, probably in the morning and if he’s there he can ask questions. Unless FIL has explicitly told them not to talk to anyone, most will share if you just say oh I’m xyz’s son.

As to your question, I think since FIL can’t drive it’s ok to say I can’t do ir every day how about I help you two days a week dad and then I can visit mom then?

I personally don’t think you need to cancel the vacation but I do think the family has to get their stuff together and sit down as a group and TALK. There is a lot of understandable denial here but it needs to be addressed

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

ummm no, she does not need to just “deal with” being taken advantage of for an unknown amount of time. people hang on in acute care for a long time. it would be reasonable for her to give some notice but she doesn’t have to leave work early for months.

OP just say “I can only leave work before 5 for another week. After that we need another solution - either your siblings step in, you find transport for your dad, or we hire childcare to do evening daycare pickup.”

Anonymous wrote:This post reads mostly as if this whole thing is an inconvenience for you rather than the impending tragedy of losing a close family member. Glad you posted it here rather than taking it up with the family.

It’s also worth accepting that since these are your in-laws there will be dynamics you will never be able to understand. One of the gifts you can give your grieving husband is to stop demanding that he explain it to you.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you have to deal, eat the PTO. Maybe you could hire a driver for MWF or something.

Please don’t ask your FIL to estimate when his wife will die so you can adjust your vacation plans. You have to just deal with this.

Read your post back and imagine it’s about your parents, or about yourself. It’s pretty harsh.

I don’t understand why my DH is somehow responsible for his Dads transportation. FIL lives with one of his sons, who has taken FMLA. His other adult child (SIL) lives within a 1 mile radius and could also drive him. Both are on leave from work right now. FIL could also drive himself.

This is your husband's battle to fight/conversation to have. Does your husband know why his father is insisting on your husband's help over the help of the other kids?

I would cancel your travel. Your mil is probably going to pass soon and your DH and his dad will be mourning and taking care of all the things that need to be taken care of when someone passes.

Hopefully your DH can split the driving with his siblings. Suggest a schedule. That way also he can check on his mom and see for himself what’s going on. Wouldn’t he want to check on her a couple times a week anyways, and be there for dad?