Anonymous wrote:I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I agree that choreplay isn't enough, but part of "working on yourself" is becoming a functional adult, which means taking on household duties. He can get in incredible shape and have women throwing themselves at hime left and right, but if at home he still acts like an entitled child and expects his wife to play mommy to him while he lounges around doing whatever he wants, she's still not going to be interested.

Nope, nope, nope. If she's genuinely attracted, she will not care that he does no choreplay. And doing choreplay will actually decrease her attraction if it exists.

And if she does care, so what? He's got options - women are throwing themselves at him - and he's outta there.

Anonymous wrote:Best choice is to act similar to the way you did when first dating. You probably worked out regularly, dressed nicely, worked hard at your job, and had interests and hobbies. You also probably planned fun dates, pulled your own weight around the house if you had roommates, cleaned up after yourself so others wouldn't have to, showed appreciation when people did nice things for you, and were generally an enjoyable person to be around.

LOL, if the guy had housemates, I guarantee you the house was not maintained to a feminine level of satisfaction. A male group house is usually a pigsty. So hey, husbands should do that much work? Not a problem. Even if he lived alone, he probably cleaned the place to a "good enough for me" level, which almost certainly would not satisfy most females.

Again, forget the choreplay nonsense, OP, that's not going to do anything good for you.

Give her a hall pass.

The novelty of sex with someone new will revive her interest in sex with you.

It sounds counter intuitive but it really does work that way.

Anonymous wrote:
Best choice is to act similar to the way you did when first dating. You probably worked out regularly, dressed nicely, worked hard at your job, and had interests and hobbies. You also probably planned fun dates, pulled your own weight around the house if you had roommates, cleaned up after yourself so others wouldn't have to, showed appreciation when people did nice things for you, and were generally an enjoyable person to be around.

This advice about being how you were when you first started dating always makes me laugh. When we first started dating, I was a college student, getting shitfaced drunk 3-4 nights per week. I was a lot of fun and got good grades, but I didn't dress nice, I can't say I planned more than one or two dates, and I didn't work out. Usually, my now-wife would find me at one of the two or three bars I hung out at. We'd drink and have some laughs together and with whoever happened to be at the watering hole that night.

I mean, I could try just hanging out at some bars until she came and found me, but I doubt she'd be in the mood to hang out and have some laughs once she located me.

Anonymous wrote:OP indicates he is a good husband in all ways, and there's no reason to doubt that. It's his wife who seems to be phoning it in on the sex issue. He's talked to her several times, and that's not working.

My advice: Work on yourself and develop other interests that relate to other people. She'll realize she needs to do more and will re-engage.

As an example, take a look at this thread where some guy took up running, got in shape, and had a female running partner - http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/90/680230.page#11836743 . His wife freaked out and so did every other woman on DCUM. It appears to have led to a good bonding experience between them. I'm not saying it was ideal, because you don't want to get to the stage of having your wife freak out. But her knowing that you're an attractive person will cause her to pay attention more, IMHO.

... and obviously you shouldn't actually have an emotional affair like that guy did. But if you get out there in the world, it certainly will draw your wife's interest.

OP indicates he is a good husband in all ways, and there's no reason to doubt that. It's his wife who seems to be phoning it in on the sex issue. He's talked to her several times, and that's not working.

My advice: Work on yourself and develop other interests that relate to other people. She'll realize she needs to do more and will re-engage.

As an example, take a look at this thread where some guy took up running, got in shape, and had a female running partner - http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/90/680230.page#11836743 . His wife freaked out and so did every other woman on DCUM. It appears to have led to a good bonding experience between them. I'm not saying it was ideal, because you don't want to get to the stage of having your wife freak out. But her knowing that you're an attractive person will cause her to pay attention more, IMHO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Maybe, that's what he is doing now and would be doing following the sh**-show advice and only make him look weaker. Amazing how women's advice is usually do more for her, kiss her butt more its just more of the same that hasn't worked for these guys before. That must be why there are so many of the "nice guys" that bend over backwards yet no women want anything to do with them. Weakness is not attractive and blatant begging like that advice is no more attractive on a spouse than a random "nice" lonely guy.

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. I agree that choreplay isn't enough, but part of "working on yourself" is becoming a functional adult, which means taking on household duties. He can get in incredible shape and have women throwing themselves at hime left and right, but if at home he still acts like an entitled child and expects his wife to play mommy to him while he lounges around doing whatever he wants, she's still not going to be interested.

Best choice is to act similar to the way you did when first dating. You probably worked out regularly, dressed nicely, worked hard at your job, and had interests and hobbies. You also probably planned fun dates, pulled your own weight around the house if you had roommates, cleaned up after yourself so others wouldn't have to, showed appreciation when people did nice things for you, and were generally an enjoyable person to be around.

I am 56 years old. My wife gets how, if I have to go without I become one ornery bastard

If you do manage to get her in the sack, you need to give her the experience of a lifetime. I mean a full on hour of making her feel more satisfied than she ever has. That’ll cure your dilema, bro.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men really need to understand that women feel so much pressure to have babies when they're at the fertile best. Women sometimes will "settle" on a marriage, to have the babies. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP. Men are just clueless when it comes to women. Some women enjoy sex. Some women enjoy sex only with men they're very attracted to (and no, the MGTOW morons are wrong that abusers and bullies and jerks are attractive to women).

I've been told by women that they "settled" when they married their husbands, because the clock was ticking and they wanted to have kids. Or their finances weren't in order. Or they were going back to school.

You're not getting it. If it wasn't there before, what makes you think it's going to be there now?

Couples need those hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other memories from when they first started dating to get through the drudgery of married life over the long haul. And things will improve.

However, if you never had that hot sexy can't keep our hands off of each other time in your relationship, what makes you think after 14 years it's her hormones or stress from having kids?

This is so true. My husband is a great person. Love him. Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you sex with him (I think he did with me, but, that's for him to say). And now I can't even imagine it. I certainly can imagine it with others ....

So you are a user. You know full well you went into a marriage giving him the impression you were in "Great father. We have wonderful kids, we are settled down, in our early 50s. But I never ever had the hot sexy can't keep my hands off you " type love but he was safe ,boring and stable. Women have to live this lie or their ride will end. You should tell him everything you wrote and see how well your marriage goes. You wont because the lie is what holds it together.

It’s a tough spot for these women with well developed marriages and kids. If they cheat with expectation of leaving they will know that their affair partner will just cheat on them and they’ll end up divorced and left then without anything. Women might give men a second chance if they cheat but men will instantly divorce a cheating wife. The dead bedroom problem has to be fixed for you, ORiginal poster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

It is very clear that the above is TERRIBLE ADVICE. it may make her feel guilty if she cheats on him (because he's such a kind and supportive husband), but sexual attraction in women has little to do with the guy being really nice and doing date nights. I not only have first hand experience, I have witnessed it in others, and have studied the issues very closely at the time I was going through something similar. My (ex) wife ended up having an affair even as I was trying to entice her by being more and more nice.

Another poster mentioned this, but it is true, women like this will be very sexually attracted to men, just not to YOU. This issue has been raised on here many times and someone found a book or article I think about women's attraction to their mates fading in marriages, whereas a typical faithful guy will be happy banging her until he dies.

Agree with this advice. Be your best self and regain your confidence. If your wife has self image issues, such as negative feelings about weight gain, address those too. I don’t necessarily agree with the cheating theory.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Yes. But also start improving his flirtation skills. Start talking to women. Cold approach them. Get their numbers (but don't call them). Once he gets to the point where he's absolutely sure he can get other women, the improvement in his confidence is highly likely to change his wife's attitude about him.

NP. I actually sort of agree with this advice, but not quite as aggressive as PP describes it. Get yourself in a place where you are as attractive as possible (whether by exercise or diet or grooming or whatever you need), and put yourself in a position where you're able to meet other people and engage with them (join a book club or whatever you do). Don't cheat, because you're not an asshole, but put yourself in a position where you show yourself that you are attractive to others and that others would want you if you're open to it. This will improve your self confidence immeasurably, and you'll develop your depth of personality by having a life outside your marriage. Your wife (probably) will be attracted to the self confidence and to the attractive you, and also may realize she is lucky to have you when she sees others are interested. At best, this may rekindle your relationship with your wife. At worst, your wife won't care, but then you'll realize she's just not committed to your relationship anymore, and you're in a good position to find someone else who appreciates you.

This is very similar to advice online and in books for women who want to "affair proof" their marriages, or whose husbands have cheated. Work on making yourself the best you, and develop a space for yourself outside the marriage. That will make you more attractive to your partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Yes. But also start improving his flirtation skills. Start talking to women. Cold approach them. Get their numbers (but don't call them). Once he gets to the point where he's absolutely sure he can get other women, the improvement in his confidence is highly likely to change his wife's attitude about him.

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We have two kids. We have a good marriage in all respects except one: we very rarely have sex anymore, because she very rarely wants to. I still love her very much, in the romantic/sexual meaning of the word, but I think it's fair to say my wife loves me only as her partner in raising kids. Not that she's said it in so many words. But she doesn't have to. We've talked about the sex issue a bunch of times, but it's never gotten us anywhere, and now I'm all talked out. At this point it's just embarrassing to have to bring it up. I think she would be hurt very much if I had an affair, and I don't want to do that to her. So what do I do? Is there anyone out there with experience making a marriage like this work somehow?

Tell her how you feel and make an appointment with a marriage counselor/sex therapist. Do this before you resort to having an affair. With counseling and work, things can become better and if they don't or she's checked out, well then you have your marching orders and can discuss open marriage arrangements or divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step 1: Show real appreciation for everything she does for the family, house and you. Never stop doing this.
Step 2: Start taking things off her plate and onto yours. Get to 50/50.
Step 3: Start 2-3 date nights a month, you plan them and get sitter. Never stop doing this.
Step 4: Go on sexy weekend trip. Tease her beforehand.

Point is, she lost attraction to something. Not you per se, but maybe some dynamic going on or building up. COmmunication, picking up after you, trust in your word. You can do this!

HORRIBLE ADVICE, never ever works. You arent going to a55 kiss your way to desire. May be get some pathetic pity sex. OP needs to work on himself, not let his life revolve around her and reinforce her lack of desire for him. Its really transparent and begging is not attractive. If she sees he isn't hanging on waiting for a chance to have sex and is working on himself the realization he can and may leave will sink in.

And jerk off in the meantime?

Maybe, that's what he is doing now and would be doing following the sh**-show advice and only make him look weaker. Amazing how women's advice is usually do more for her, kiss her butt more its just more of the same that hasn't worked for these guys before. That must be why there are so many of the "nice guys" that bend over backwards yet no women want anything to do with them. Weakness is not attractive and blatant begging like that advice is no more attractive on a spouse than a random "nice" lonely guy.