Anonymous wrote:My parents were tiger parents. They pushed me to focus on my studies in high school and get into the best college that I can. I got a full ride to flagship T10 and studied business and engineering. The discipline and work ethics helped me succeed in college and in my career. I have no regrets and am grateful they pushed me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was always surprising to me how they dictated their child's lives from age 4 or 5 onwards but the people that other parents label tiger moms are the Asian parents who are actually are super relaxed especially compared to those white parents.

In my DD’s friend group all the Indian girls had known they are going to a medical school since K. They don’t have a choice and it’s non negotiable.

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Anonymous wrote:To be fair, kids of my circle's tiger moms seem to be doing well.

I don't doubt it. And when they get married, many of them will choose to spend holidays with their spouse's families who are interested in them as human beings and not just what they can achieve.

Yup! You may think they are happy and don't mind how you raised them. But in reality, many did not enjoy it and appreciate being appreciated for whom they are. There is so much more to a person than their GPA and academic achievements. We care more about what they do with their lives. Are they good, kind, generous people? Do other people want to spend time with them?

Plenty of "normal" parents have kids who won't speak to them or spend holidays with them. Nor does having a good GPA preclude one from doing something with their lives or being a good, kind, generous person that other people want to spend time with. You're thinking in black and white.

Obviously it's not just "black and white". But very few kids just up and not speak to their parents for no real reason. There is always a reason---typically something to do with how parents have treated them up til that point.

It is not okay to push push push your kids without allowing them to develop into overall good humans. There are also plenty of good kids with high GPAs who are genuinely good people---the vast majority of them got there because of self motivation and guidance from parents, NOT pushing pushing pushing from a tiger parent.

I'd prefer my kids learn how to motivate themselves and volunteer because it's a fun and good thing to do, not just because "it's needed for college".
No, we didn't just tell our kids "Cs are okay, just make it thru HS and that's all we expect". Our kids know we expected them to give 110% and work their hardest. But we never sent them to tutoring unless they were actually struggling (and getting a 94% in a class is NOT struggling). We never pushed them to do kumon from age 3+ in hopes they would be advanced in math. Instead we read to them, played with them and encouraged games and activities that built math and critical thinking skills. One kid loved to do math problems, so we gave them that. The other had ADHD and EF issues, and certainly wasn't sitting down to do stupid math problems at age 4.

Know what---the first kid is a math wiz since K. Engineering major in college starting in Calc 3.

other kid ended up a business major, did well in college calc (despite struggling in HS), graduated and landed a great job.

For both kids, the motivation to excel came from them and thru their own hardwork.

You do know that just because you have preconceived judmental notions about everyone and how they should live that they aren't always right? The idea that good grades and good people don't go together is a clear flag to me that you are speaking from some area of insecurity.

The kids getting drunk and doing drugs in high school of which there are a lot and are possibly more "happy" aren't better people and sure they may find more drunks to party with over the years than the dedicated hardworking student but that doesn't make them good. My neighbor was the opposite of a tiger parent - hippie and now one kid lives with her for life and she says she's close to them, the other doesn't talk to anyone in the family, and the other only talks to dad. Typical ending for a family regardless of her belief in having amazing mom skills. She used to tell the school when the kids were failing that it wasnt her job to monitor school. Your type of parent I guess. None of them are successful or married but sure they weren't pushed so that makes them "good" in your book? What exactly makes them super special in your world as being better kinder people than someone who is now a neuro surgeon? What do you have against neuro surgeons? A lot of people that hate disciplined parents come across as overly focused on being anti intellectual or anti society in a way that is just weird for their so called live and let live mentality. Another friend talks about her girls being so motivated on their own and they are both cookie cutter and emaciated. How exactly did they just happen to have the exact same interests as their peers and wear the same outfits while also being so independent as the mom likes to say? What makes them good compared to others for being more focused on being pretty than academic? These families spend inordinate amounts of time focusing on what other people are doing not like them and are basically narcissistic slackers as adults. They are not good and they are not unique. They are just experiencing tall poppy syndrome and coming from a place of insecurity.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, kids of my circle's tiger moms seem to be doing well.

I don't doubt it. And when they get married, many of them will choose to spend holidays with their spouse's families who are interested in them as human beings and not just what they can achieve.

Yup! You may think they are happy and don't mind how you raised them. But in reality, many did not enjoy it and appreciate being appreciated for whom they are. There is so much more to a person than their GPA and academic achievements. We care more about what they do with their lives. Are they good, kind, generous people? Do other people want to spend time with them?

Plenty of "normal" parents have kids who won't speak to them or spend holidays with them. Nor does having a good GPA preclude one from doing something with their lives or being a good, kind, generous person that other people want to spend time with. You're thinking in black and white.

Obviously it's not just "black and white". But very few kids just up and not speak to their parents for no real reason. There is always a reason---typically something to do with how parents have treated them up til that point.

It is not okay to push push push your kids without allowing them to develop into overall good humans. There are also plenty of good kids with high GPAs who are genuinely good people---the vast majority of them got there because of self motivation and guidance from parents, NOT pushing pushing pushing from a tiger parent.

I'd prefer my kids learn how to motivate themselves and volunteer because it's a fun and good thing to do, not just because "it's needed for college".
No, we didn't just tell our kids "Cs are okay, just make it thru HS and that's all we expect". Our kids know we expected them to give 110% and work their hardest. But we never sent them to tutoring unless they were actually struggling (and getting a 94% in a class is NOT struggling). We never pushed them to do kumon from age 3+ in hopes they would be advanced in math. Instead we read to them, played with them and encouraged games and activities that built math and critical thinking skills. One kid loved to do math problems, so we gave them that. The other had ADHD and EF issues, and certainly wasn't sitting down to do stupid math problems at age 4.

Know what---the first kid is a math wiz since K. Engineering major in college starting in Calc 3.

other kid ended up a business major, did well in college calc (despite struggling in HS), graduated and landed a great job.

For both kids, the motivation to excel came from them and thru their own hardwork.

So you don't accept certain grades and you did a lot of STEM enrichment? Sounds like you're a species of tiger mom to me. Or is that only Asians?

I'm not PP, but for many kids you can't stop them from doing STEM stuff. My 4 yo's favorite activity was to build things with jump ropes, a wagon and a couple of old clothes line pulleys. It's just what some kids do. So of course we get her STEM toys for holidays, because those are her favorites and what she requests, and we send her to STEM camps because that's what she requests. A tiger parent pushes. I'm just a parent who follows my kid's lead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, kids of my circle's tiger moms seem to be doing well.

I don't doubt it. And when they get married, many of them will choose to spend holidays with their spouse's families who are interested in them as human beings and not just what they can achieve.

Yup! You may think they are happy and don't mind how you raised them. But in reality, many did not enjoy it and appreciate being appreciated for whom they are. There is so much more to a person than their GPA and academic achievements. We care more about what they do with their lives. Are they good, kind, generous people? Do other people want to spend time with them?

Plenty of "normal" parents have kids who won't speak to them or spend holidays with them. Nor does having a good GPA preclude one from doing something with their lives or being a good, kind, generous person that other people want to spend time with. You're thinking in black and white.

Obviously it's not just "black and white". But very few kids just up and not speak to their parents for no real reason. There is always a reason---typically something to do with how parents have treated them up til that point.

It is not okay to push push push your kids without allowing them to develop into overall good humans. There are also plenty of good kids with high GPAs who are genuinely good people---the vast majority of them got there because of self motivation and guidance from parents, NOT pushing pushing pushing from a tiger parent.

I'd prefer my kids learn how to motivate themselves and volunteer because it's a fun and good thing to do, not just because "it's needed for college".
No, we didn't just tell our kids "Cs are okay, just make it thru HS and that's all we expect". Our kids know we expected them to give 110% and work their hardest. But we never sent them to tutoring unless they were actually struggling (and getting a 94% in a class is NOT struggling). We never pushed them to do kumon from age 3+ in hopes they would be advanced in math. Instead we read to them, played with them and encouraged games and activities that built math and critical thinking skills. One kid loved to do math problems, so we gave them that. The other had ADHD and EF issues, and certainly wasn't sitting down to do stupid math problems at age 4.

Know what---the first kid is a math wiz since K. Engineering major in college starting in Calc 3.

other kid ended up a business major, did well in college calc (despite struggling in HS), graduated and landed a great job.

For both kids, the motivation to excel came from them and thru their own hardwork.

So you don't accept certain grades and you did a lot of STEM enrichment? Sounds like you're a species of tiger mom to me. Or is that only Asians?

Anonymous wrote:Having high expectations but balancing it with a loving environment

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

I am the PP who was diagnosed with BPD.

First off, I understand that it's difficult to have a sensitive child. Having a daughter who tells you what she felt like you did wrong as a parent is difficult! You are probably in distress, and I get that that's painful.

With that being said, your response of telling your daughter to get over herself and get going because we all have shit from our childhoods and need to move the f*ck forward is NOT the right response. At all. For one, the bitterness and rage of your response contradicts the "gentle compassion" you claim to talk to your daughter towards. And yes, even if you didn't use those exact words or phrases to tell your daughter to get over herself, I can promise you that she can sense your dismissiveness, rage, bitterness, and lack of empathy.

Here's a more helpful response towards your daughter:

"I am sorry you feel that I wronged you as a kid. It must be distressing to have a childhood that you felt like wronged you. I hope you know that I tried my best as a parent. I hope you can forgive me. I love you no matter what."

It takes strength and courage to be gentle, PP. Best of luck.

I'm the PP. I've said these exact words to my DD, AND I tell her to keep moving forward. Lots and lots of conversations including not giving up on herself and life. Don't worry about us. She's doing great now living independently in NYC. Thanks for your concern. Here's the thing for you navel gazers - you aren't going to re-wire a parent just like the parent cannot re-wire the child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

I am the PP who was diagnosed with BPD.

First off, I understand that it's difficult to have a sensitive child. Having a daughter who tells you what she felt like you did wrong as a parent is difficult! You are probably in distress, and I get that that's painful.

With that being said, your response of telling your daughter to get over herself and get going because we all have shit from our childhoods and need to move the f*ck forward is NOT the right response. At all. For one, the bitterness and rage of your response contradicts the "gentle compassion" you claim to talk to your daughter towards. And yes, even if you didn't use those exact words or phrases to tell your daughter to get over herself, I can promise you that she can sense your dismissiveness, rage, bitterness, and lack of empathy.

Here's a more helpful response towards your daughter:

"I am sorry you feel that I wronged you as a kid. It must be distressing to have a childhood that you felt like wronged you. I hope you know that I tried my best as a parent. I hope you can forgive me. I love you no matter what."

It takes strength and courage to be gentle, PP. Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

You are an adult. Stop blaming your parents. If they backed off you wouldn't have gotten as far as you did. Get mental health treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

I'd be loading up an extra lithobid too if you were my parent, oh my god. What I've recognized from tiger parents is the inability to believe your kid has any skill of their own, so you have to have this controlling mentality to get them to where you want them. Some kids come out the batch a little messed up, doesn't mean you need to tell em that they're invalid and need to get over themselves.

You'd think most of you went through WW2 or something with how demeaning your style of parenting is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of this thread:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1207813.page

I was tiger parented obsessively. Two years ago, I graduated with honors from an Ivy with a job offer in hand at MBB.

Fast forward to six months ago: I'm fired for my job for underperforming, I feel lonely and isolated, and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my future because I have little sense of self.

THIS is what tiger parenting really does to kids. It takes children (some of whom might have sensitive temperments like myself) and uses their achievements to feed a parent's narcissistic ego.

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, which features a lack of identity and an unstable sense of self at its core. I attribute this to my parents dictating everything for me and prohibiting me from truly exploring to really find myself. They focused relentlessly on prestige and money, and now I feel chronically empty and suicidal as a result.

The classic symptoms of BPD - never taking any responsibility for their failures, blaming people close to them, chronic depression, inability to feel joy, lack of any empathy for others and huge sense of entitlement.
It’s you. You are the problem.

This. My DD “self diagnosed” using Dr Google and claimed BPD. We adjusted her meds and got her on the right dosage. And then gently compassionately we told her to get over herself, get going, and get growing. We all have sh*t from our childhoods. The most productive of us learn grow heal and move the f forward.

Anonymous wrote:
I am white and believe that “tiger mom” label is often used as a way to shame Asian parents who raise successful kids.

We have lots of other ways to make parents (mostly moms) feel bad through labels: Helicopter, Snowplow, Free Range etc. Obviously there are over the top parents who are unreasonable in their own way.

As parents particularly mothers, we are never good enough. We are too demanding, not demanding enough, we are overly involved, we are disconnected.

Every family dynamic is unique and I think most parents try their best- but moms are always blamed for failures.

Having high expectations but balancing it with a loving environment is something I think most parents strive towards, some more successfully than others.