Anonymous wrote:OP, some of us get it. Hope you figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

Anonymous wrote:OP, some of us get it. Hope you figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

And yet you are still married to him.

I think this poster is with the AP now and ended the marriage

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know if they're still in contact and whether she has good reason to think he still loves her or whether she's a nut.

But as someone who left my marriage to be with my AP after a 6-year affair, I will say it is possible to love a spouse but more as family rather than a lover. You can have a very good, calm, happy, but platonic relationship, which in a lot of ways can seem healthy and loving -- but you will always yearn for that romantic component. I think that's human nature. Those of you with husbands who actually desire you take that for granted while patting yourselves on the back for your high morals (and some of you probably deny your husbands the desire they'd like to feel). If OP and her AP are still in love, I think they should divorce and plan a life together.

Thanks for writing, I know they are because they told me several times recently. Even my therapist thinks it is a very special love, I swear!

This is absolutely 100% a troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

So, OP, come back and tell us: Man or woman?
Still in contact with the ex-AP?
What did improving your marriage look like--couples counseling etc. or just giving up AP? Asking seriously, OP, not with snark.

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts and feedback. Still in contact, AP is in a new serious relationship. AP’s new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally.

I’ve just discovered it came from an extreme desire to keep my family intact - like I went on a deluded mission to make my marriage better and that would be enough. I really desperately want it to be but I am having severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup/what it requires to be functional in my marriage. I just figured this out in therapy. I thought I was handling it well but I was in a weird denial that therapy broke. I ended things. I am 100% sure they still love me.

I'm sorry to say this but if you are having "severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup" then you have severe physical and mental health issues ANYWAY. There is no such thing as a mentally healthy person who has a permanent breakdown over a lost relationship. There is something deeply wrong with you if you can't be normal and happy without one very specific romantic relationship. People go through lives dealing with breakups all the time - including breakups with people they were madly in love with. It doesn't permanently break them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know if they're still in contact and whether she has good reason to think he still loves her or whether she's a nut.

But as someone who left my marriage to be with my AP after a 6-year affair, I will say it is possible to love a spouse but more as family rather than a lover. You can have a very good, calm, happy, but platonic relationship, which in a lot of ways can seem healthy and loving -- but you will always yearn for that romantic component. I think that's human nature. Those of you with husbands who actually desire you take that for granted while patting yourselves on the back for your high morals (and some of you probably deny your husbands the desire they'd like to feel). If OP and her AP are still in love, I think they should divorce and plan a life together.

Thanks for writing, I know they are because they told me several times recently. Even my therapist thinks it is a very special love, I swear!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP get therapy. You are a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder. The fact you have not learned empathy for your actions and what it could do to your husband/kids, the immense harm/trauma to another woman, children, family shows what a cold and calculated person who has had zero self-reflection over three years.

A supremely selfish person ugly on the inside.

I have no need to explain myself to you, but I will leave you with the thought that jumping to so many assumptions with so little information, or thinking that these are black and white issues is a somewhat limited way to interact with the world. There’s two or more sides of every story. Most people are doing their very best, even if their best sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

You don't have sex much, I see. 1) legs over her head is NOT doggy style. 2) stroking the cheek gently? Where did you see this, on Lifetime?

You don’t know that you can be in many different positions in one session. Sounds like some of you are the ones with shitty sex lives. It’s called flipping over after.

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

Anonymous wrote:So now you are going to ruin his new relationship after helping him blow up his marriage? You suck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

You don't have sex much, I see. 1) legs over her head is NOT doggy style. 2) stroking the cheek gently? Where did you see this, on Lifetime?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choosing to be with an AP is not the sunshine and rainbows you think it will be. All the children involved will have strong emotional feelings about the affair, and this will be a major source of tension on your relationship. As the female, you will always be viewed as the home wrecking wh@@e, no matter how unfair that stigma actually is. 20 years from now, people will still be whispering about you, and you can pretend not to care but you will always, always be the villain in the story. Every family event, every gathering of relatives, people will be whispering about it and it is exhausting.

The life you imagine with him is not the life you will actually have. I don’t know why anyone would willingly choose this.

NP. This can be true but not always. I know 3 couples 20 years later and nothing you describe is true. Their lives are much better and there was not ongoing tension.