Anonymous wrote:Yep. It was actually his job and he received extensive training in manipulation. I thought I was crazy for years. Counseling never worked because he could manipulate them.

Getting out was life changing and I only wish I had left sooner. If you can’t leave yet, surround yourself with people who see him for what he is so you don’t feel totally crazy.

The worst is when he's around others. It's maddening listening to him charm everyone else and see them easily fall for it. They have no idea who he is.

Right now I'm sitting inside listening to him gab it up with the neighbors telling jokes and stories about us like we're happy. Meanwhile I'm sitting here thinking about jumping off the balcony.

Yep. It was actually his job and he received extensive training in manipulation. I thought I was crazy for years. Counseling never worked because he could manipulate them.

Getting out was life changing and I only wish I had left sooner. If you can’t leave yet, surround yourself with people who see him for what he is so you don’t feel totally crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.

Stop suffering in silence. Start standing up for yourself and see what happens. Next time you're accused of wrongdoing, factually point out that you are not at fault in a very firm and stable voice, facing your spouse and making eye contact.

I found when I finally started doing that mine would back down. I learned he is fundamentally a coward when someone confronts HIM. It's changed our dynamic. Now he knows not to automatically push his "perfection" attitude at me because I'm not taking it.

Haha. If hfa asd he’ll LOVE that he successfully turned his mistake, followed by him lying about it, into an argument where he will further attempt to call you the bad guy. In front of the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.

Yes and psychotic liar all the time denying things the kids and I just saw him do. It’s crazy making.

He’s on the spectrum, it was a surprise Dx a few years ago when I didn’t know wtf was going on with him. He’s since doubled down on the aggression and anger. But the passive aggressiveness, denial, lies, ommittances, Jekyll &hyde inside or outside the house, and the gaslighting is constant. It’s his normal, and his parents normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.

There are names for it.

You are most likely looking at a husband who has Asperger's Syndrome aka Autism Spectrum dissorder
and solid portion of Narcissism.

If this is the case, there are resources here: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/958978.page

Agree with others, separation is a serious consideration.

Anonymous wrote:Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.

Stop suffering in silence. Start standing up for yourself and see what happens. Next time you're accused of wrongdoing, factually point out that you are not at fault in a very firm and stable voice, facing your spouse and making eye contact.

I found when I finally started doing that mine would back down. I learned he is fundamentally a coward when someone confronts HIM. It's changed our dynamic. Now he knows not to automatically push his "perfection" attitude at me because I'm not taking it.

This describes my mother. Felt like sh- my entire dang life because of her. I actually went no contact about a year ago. It wasn’t an easy decision, she’s my mother after all, but she’s so incredibly toxic for me. Like pouring poison on a plant so that it won’t grow. Since no contact, I noticed I no longer have that tight feeling in my chest (anxiety) or in the pit of my stomach (dread). I notice that I make good decisions and that other people do like me and respect me. I realized I don’t need her or any of her mind-warping commentary. I feel a little pity for people like your husband and my mother, who feel they need to wield some power over their loved ones in order to feel better about themselves, but they are too cowardly to do it directly, so they do it indirectly. I hope you have the strength someday soon to decide to leave. It is highly unlikely someone like this will ever change. He’s supposed to be part of your support system. Instead he’s bringing you down so much that you need a support system from your support system! You deserve better than that.

OP, if you have no kids. It will ONLY GET WORSE. If you have kids.. it will get worse too but you may need to stick around and work it out for the best of kids interest and yours. Don't make any sudden divorce moves if you have kids. This can bite you back.

Anonymous wrote:Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.

There are names for it.

You are most likely looking at a husband who has Asperger's Syndrome aka Autism Spectrum dissorder
and solid portion of Narcissism.

He is using gaslighting - hence you questioning yourself.

It is always your fault = Narcissist speaking to you that way..

Manipulation = basic modus operandi for Narcissists.

I’m married to a master bater...

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Are you open to divorce? That sounds like an exhausting way to live. I don't really have anything to offer, but don't let yourself be isolated from everyone but him. Do you have a friend/family member IRL for support? Or a counselor for yourself so you can have some language and coping skills to counter this behavior?

Best wishes to you. You deserve to have a good and happy life.

Yes, exhausting. This is so f’ing exhausting. I’m at the point where it’s just easier to admit fault no matter what. And be so down on myself, no matter the situation. I feel like ultimately it will come down to something I did “wrong” and at this point I have no energy to defend myself, nor should I always be in that position with the person I married.

Ugh. Are you open to divorce? That sounds like an exhausting way to live. I don't really have anything to offer, but don't let yourself be isolated from everyone but him. Do you have a friend/family member IRL for support? Or a counselor for yourself so you can have some language and coping skills to counter this behavior?

Best wishes to you. You deserve to have a good and happy life.

Every situation turns into one where you're at fault. You end up questioning yourself and your actions no matter what happened. Any time you bring up an issue, they turn it into "I had good intent" so how could you have a problem with it? Obviously you're the one at fault.