Op having by a baby (congrats!) is going to rock your world for a while. Having a dh in academia who can pitch in that first year will turn out to be very valuable, and important for him to bond with his child early on.

Either way, stop stressing and enjoy this time, it’s once in a lifetime. Scope out local parks and playgrounds. Figure out your childcare strategy. After a couple years you guys can talk about making changes. Many couples find a 5-7 year switching of career priority vs childcare duty is fair.

You are very ambitious, maybe more than your spouse. But there are other factors than salary that matter a lot once you have kids. Like free college tuition and good benefits.

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

Sure seems like it. In which case it's a bit harder to feel bad for OP

Op, he is in a tenure track job now? What's the usual timeline? Is he doing what he needs to to get tenure? Is he ope to applying for TT jobs in a place you want to live?

Making the jump from academe to industry is a big one, since usually there is no return. He should do some informational interviews (or real ones) with folks in industry in his field. He may realize it's as stimulating as academe but better in other ways (or not). If it's realistic to apply for tenure in 2 years, let him (eg he is in year 3 now or whatever is standard). If 5 years, see if you can compromise on 2 years, then he applied elsewhere or jumps to industry unless there a huge advantage to his current employer.

Regardless, you need to also figure out parenting issues..is he going to use getting tenure as an excuse to leave childcare to you? Don't let him. You make enough for a good nanny, and split the rest.

I understand where you are coming from, OP. If this was really his dream, then you would follow him. But he doesn't seem to know what he wants, and he really isn't considering you at all when making his plans for the future.

Worst case scenario:
You guys divorce. You want to leave small college town and pursue your career. He tells you that if you leave, then he will get primary custody of the child because YOU moved away.

Best case scenario:
You guys figure this out together, and make a plan that involves both of you pursuing your interests and taking care of your child.

Personally, I think that you should move for your own career, and let him follow or not. If he chooses not to follow, then that's on him. Hopefully, during the course of you making plans to leave, he will actually come to his senses and have a real conversation about how you can both make this work. If not, then at least you have the job you want, live in the city you want to live in, and have your child.

Anonymous wrote:You want a high-paying job in industry? Go get one.

Or, you could embrace what you are and marry his brother.

Isn't that what she is saying she wants to do?

Are you the same OP? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/857023.page

You want a high-paying job in industry? Go get one.

Or, you could embrace what you are and marry his brother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You already agreed to his tenure path when you moved where you live. You have a job and admit you could work remotely. You will feel differently about a new job once you have the baby (tough to prove your self when your stretched thin). You also sound very materialistic ( all about the $$$). Make the best of your life and suck it up buttercup.

Nope, not going to happen. My dreams matter too.

yep. You've got a good case for moving. Your husband wants security but the thing is that if your current company goes under, you don't have financial security as your income is primary. Talk to a counselor to explore options but you've got a good case for family's benefit vs. his case is for his benefit only.

I'd recommend couples counseling with the specific goal of resolving this (not just general counseling). You have several valid points. His career desires are valid too, but his plans are vague and, IMO, unrealistic. The decisions you both make now matter, because once you have kids (especially kids in school) it will be harder to move. There is an urgency to sorting this out but he doesn't see it, so enlist an expert to help you talk about it.

You should not have gotten pregnant. Frankly, there will be seismic shift once you have the baby. Reevaluate how you feel when the baby is six months old and you would be ready to look for a new job. This will give DH how nearly 2 years to make tenure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You already agreed to his tenure path when you moved where you live. You have a job and admit you could work remotely. You will feel differently about a new job once you have the baby (tough to prove your self when your stretched thin). You also sound very materialistic ( all about the $$$). Make the best of your life and suck it up buttercup.

Nope, not going to happen. My dreams matter too.

Give him a time frame (eg 3 years) and if he isn’t tenured he agrees to move. Also, think outside the box. Your in sales, you don’t need to be in an office. Why not see about working for a different Company and then opening an office for them where you are (ie leadership).

Anonymous wrote:You already agreed to his tenure path when you moved where you live. You have a job and admit you could work remotely. You will feel differently about a new job once you have the baby (tough to prove your self when your stretched thin). You also sound very materialistic ( all about the $$$). Make the best of your life and suck it up buttercup.

Nope, not going to happen. My dreams matter too.

You already agreed to his tenure path when you moved where you live. You have a job and admit you could work remotely. You will feel differently about a new job once you have the baby (tough to prove your self when your stretched thin). You also sound very materialistic ( all about the $$$). Make the best of your life and suck it up buttercup.

Why did you get pregnant? You’ve obviously felt this way a while. Now you are stuck to him forever.

My DH is an academic. I knew this 6 years ago when I married him, but he was very confident his career would go better than it has. He does not yet have tenure (I believe he will eventually get it, but it could take 4-5 more years potentially (he thinks 2 but I am not that optimistic given how his career has gone so far) and he hasn't yet succeeded in achieving grants, which is obviously key for an academic and also a pathway to raise their income. He currently makes 85k. In our city (a college town), my job opportunities are more limited. I sell software, and there is only 1 software company in our town (my employer). I don't like the leadership at this company and want to leave because I am actually not confident the company will make it medium term. My income potential is quite high. I currently make about 180k but can make much more if we relocate. My other option is to work remotely but I really do not want to do that because I don't even like this city that we live in for his job and I want to potentially move into sales leadership, something that won't be easy in a remote role that didn't start out as an on-location role.

DH's field is a STEM field. DH actually has begun to publish in industry journals. His brother (academic in same field) just got a job paying 400k in industry. DH constantly talks about this and seems very intrigued about this pathway. I like it of course because it means more money AND living in a city I would want to live in with tons of jobs for me as well. DH will not agree to pursue this path and agree to a concrete timeline to go for it OR insist that he won't pursue this path (which would be a valid preference and we'd have to work with that obviously). Currently his position is that he wants to get tenure first (could take years) and THEN tiptoe into trying industry to see if he likes it and maybe consider it. He also nurses a fantasy of being successful in academia and industry which I think is completely unrealistic. This infuriates me because it means I have to continue living in a city that I don't want to live in and not have the ability to further my own career the way I would like. It feels like all of the sacrifice is on my side so he can have his ideal way of handling things AND his way of handling things is not realistic and so far in our marriage few things have gone career wise for him the way he has hoped and thought they would.

We have a baby on the way, so this is making me more and more angry. I want to create a life plan together that we execute as a team. I don't want to live up to 5 years in limbo as he figures out what he wants and nurses a fantasy of being successful in academia when he has struggled so far (I believe it comes down to his not being politically savvy in this very particular environment, not his lack of talent in the field) while I feel trapped in a life I don't want.

I guess I am just looking to vent. Really at a loss of how to handle this.