financial incest sounds really bad. just a few bucks, OP.

Previous post?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/819075.page#15447858

Anonymous wrote:There's a cultural component/gap here, yes? We need to know more to be able to help.

Let's stick to the facts. OP's mom pawned some gold and got some money. Probably spent all the money and now has to pay the loan with interest. What has this got to do with the OP? No matter what it is, the mom will stick it to the OP. OP should just cut the mom off. Problem solved.

There's a cultural component/gap here, yes? We need to know more to be able to help.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you post before? This situation sounds familiar.

Yep, she did.

Anonymous wrote:To give her $25, $50 or what. And then just stick to that amount. Let her know that her say badgers you for more money then you will stop giving her anything at all. Just draw a line and stick to it

I think if OP gives in by giving those small amounts, they will eventually add up. Maybe one week the mom will call saying she's sick and needs to go to the hospital. Another week, the mom needs money for a cab because she can't take a bus. The mom sounds like she's in perpetual crisis and is probably resentful of the OP not being the filial daughter who bails her out of every calamity.

To give her $25, $50 or what. And then just stick to that amount. Let her know that her say badgers you for more money then you will stop giving her anything at all. Just draw a line and stick to it

OP, you have to decide whether you are just going to completely stop giving her money or whether you are going to continue giving her money. If you don’t want to give her any more money, then you will have to tell her very very bluntly and firmly, not engage in any discussions, and repeat that message over and over. It’s nice that she adopted you but that does not mean you are a hostage to her bad decisions for the rest of your life, and you should absolutely feel free to tell her that. And you can tell her that her emotional blackmail is not something a good or a loving parent would do. If you do decide you are going to keep giving her money, you might like to just give a modest allowance every month and let her know that there is absolutely no more than that coming her way ever, no matter what the circumstances. And then you can decide if you want

OP, did you post before? This situation sounds familiar.

This is something for your mom and her husband to sort out.

Take caution, from your previous post it seems that she is very manipulative. Might be wise to seek professional guidance on how to proceed in your relationship with her. I suspect it will get more challenging as she ages.

Don't give her any more money.

Do you have issues surrounding being adopted that still need to be resolved? Asking because identifying her as an adoptive mom seems odd since it's not related to your question. Adoption or not, you are entitled to say no and that doesn't make you a bad person or evil, selfish, whatever. Let go of that emotional blackmail.

OP, my dad used to take my money too when I was a kid. I was a natural saver after watching what a financial disaster he is. We're estranged now because this just never stopped. He has no savings of any kind and totally expects me to support at the expense of my nuclear family. I said no.

Try looking at this issue not from a cultural perspective. You're being taken advantage of. Just say no, and be firm when you create this boundary.

So sorry you're going through this, OP. You don't deserve this! Sounds to me like you're setting some limits already. Stay strong and don't give in. I wish you didn't have to make that choice but you already recognize that you do. Good luck!

"Mom, I'm not giving you money anymore." Let her say whatever she wants to try to guilt you. Stand firm.

I live in the US and my adoptive mom who is overseas hits me up for money now and then. The amounts have been pretty small- $20, $50 every other month etc. To be honest, the sporadic financial support has never really bothered me coming from a culture where adult children are expected to support their parents. I was physically coerced to start working part-time jobs at 16 just to make money to pay the family bills and even when as a kid, all of my bursary monies would go to paying the arrears on rent, electricity. My mom used to work physically demanding jobs in cleaning and factories but she stopped as her mobility (and mental health) issues increased and she became a professional patient at our local hospitals.

Once, she did come into money after an ugly divorce battle with an ex-husband but she just went crazy spending it: on exercise equipment and furniture we never even got into our apartment, thrift stores, 'loaning' it to so-called friends who never paid her back..and it all dissipated in a year. It was one of those classic "I never thought it would run out but it did". I say financial incest because she would harangue me to call up the companies and beg them to give her back the deposits she paid, which were of course non-refundable. Whenever the bills arrived, she would pass them on to me to open them. I have so many examples but the gist is that she doesn't consider it inappropriate to ask me for money because well, "OP, you owe me everything".

The latest story- she had pawned some large pieces of gold jewelry that her current husband bought for her when they married over a decade ago and now she's asking me for $100 to help repay the loan just to keep it going. I've told her it's not my problem and her response was "Oh, so you don't want to help? The jewelry's for you. If I could have taken it out when you were here last, I would have given it to you". Inside, I'm laughing because the reality is that she's had this pawn loan for forever and short of me giving her a couple thousand to take out some gaudy gold items, this saga isn't going to end and guess what, she'll still be flat out broke and calling me up for money. Her current husband isn't working now because he broke his leg in a recent accident but she's only concerned about being burdened by him when he gets out of the hospital. She tells me she will start working to pay off the rest of the loan because then 'I can save money' even though she's been saying that since I was a teen! This is a woman who would raid my own piggy bank when I was a kid and has never had the ability to save.

WWYD in my situation? I already told her not to be dependent on me in case I could die tomorrow and she gets upset ("Don't talk about dying; I don't know if I will die tomorrrow"). I resent being made to pay for her poor decisions but it's the underlying "if you help me, you're all good but if you don't, you're evil, selfish etc." effed-up mentality that irks me the most.