I too asked about family therapy in another thread a few weeks ago and got no replies at all-- crickets!

In our case, the parents on both sides are so far out of the picture that we could not conceive of involving them in family therapy.

My spouse and I are ok with the fact that we don't have a close relationship with any of them. We have our own problems/life, see them only 5 times /year or so.


Also, Off-Topic is a better place to post than where I posted under Health/Medical. Here is my lonely thread.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/273736.page#2972677

Another one who made the attempt (in our case it was DH, me, and my parents) and had it not work out so well. My parents insisted on choosing the "therapist" and decided that a random one from the local community services board was good enough.

My father spent the whole session rewriting history for the therapist, engaging in threatening behavior (attempting to re-enact an incident by standing up and coming towards me right after I'd said I felt threatened by him), and generally not being conducive to a healthy environment....and the therapist did nothing to rein him in.

DH only went because I wanted to make one last try to have a normal relationship with my parents. I'm still so very sad that it was an absolute bust. I hope your experience is better than ours was. My father has continued to gaslight my mother, and now I have next to no relationship with either one of them.

I highly recommend that you start with Carol Werlinich. She is excellent and runs the Marriage and Family therapy program at UMD, and has a private practice in Silver Spring. She is great referral source for family therapy, even if she isn't available.

http://sph.umd.edu/fmsc/people/fac/cwerlinich.html

I would also suggest ask you MIL if she would be willing to pick three therapists that appeal to her and you all try to agree on one together. I would be curious what she says. She can browse profiles on psychologytoday.com.

I won't send you many more referrals as I suspect she will go her own way. Nevertheless, show up for the appointment and determine afterwards if it's going to help improve things.

And to the PP who had the terrible experience as a teen, I am glad you didn't let your negative experience get in the way of trying therapy again later. Unfortunately, many therapists have had no personal therapy themselves and this does a great disservice to the consumer.

I hope your experience in family therapy goes well, OP.

I generally open by welcoming everyone and then asking each person why they've come to see me. Then I ask the others if they agree with what the first person said. Usually pretty easy to go from there. With multi-generational adults I generally ask them to do active listening.

My mom made us go when I was about 20. We each met individually with the therapist, then once all together.

I had a bad experience, so I'm biased. At my first session ever, the therapist asked me out of the blue why my mom felt "I" was tearing the family apart. And she asked me if I had self-esteem issues because I was overweight. None of this was anything I brought up -- it was all from my mother's time with her. NOT a good way to start therapy. I felt like my mom was completely against me.

I don't know if this is the norm or not. I have since had some excellent individual therapists, and a couple of not-so-great ones. So I do feel that the quality and compatability of the therapist with you and/or family is critical. Try to find a good one. Good luck with everything.

Your MIL is the issue for you so it is perfectly fine to do family counseling with her and without your FIL.

Most therapists will try to address the underlying issues. Story details (he said, she said) aren't all that important and often avoided. Rather the focus is on the dynamic between people and how it formed, boundaries, different communication approaches.

Oh, and also, it bears mentioning that my ILs are married and live together, but are very unhappily married and do not speak...at all. My MIL absolutely refuses to do any therapy if he is involved. Is there a point, in your opinion, to family therapy with only PART of the family involved? DH pushed for FIL's involvement but it's a deal breaker for MIL.

Thank you, Calisto. I so appreciate it. MIL has agreed to participate but she wants to find the counselor. One problem is that she's taken a few classes towards her masters degree at a local community college (I think in social work or counseling) so she believes herself to be a qualified therapist. That's one reason why she is so convinced ehr behavior is totally correct and ours is all wrong.

You don't happen to have any good recommendations in Mo. Co., do you?

OP, it depends on the theoretical training of the therapist you see. In general, the ideal scenario is to have you all together so that no one in the family feels that the therapist favors one person over the over. The key element in gaining momentum is developing a positive trusting space for everyone involved. Yes, you all sit in a room together. The first session will likely be some family history, an an opportunity to describe the issues that brought you into therapy. If your MIL starts going off and dominating the whole session and the therapist doesn't reel her in firmly but respectfully, consider switching therapists. The bottom line is that most families have an "identified patient", who is often the one who manifests the obvious negative symptoms, and is generally the reason that the family begins counseling. Anyone working from a family systems approach believes that your family is just this, a social system that tries to maintain a homeostasis, and your MIL's behavior serves a purpose in maintaining it. The goal is to upset the status quo. If there is too much fighting and bickering going on, I might opt to see your husband alone as he is clearly in the middle.

Family therapy is always enlightening, even if it appears to not be going well. The fact that you MIL is willing to participate and risk being challenged speaks volumes and is positive. Give it a try, OP. If you find someone you all can trust to tolerate your feelings, you will find it very helpful. In my opinion, this is the most productive type of therapy there is.

-Marriage and Family Therapist

I posted a while ago about my DH and I having some pretty horrible issues with my MIL and the fact that my DH really wants to go to some sort of counseling with his mother. After not speaking to or seeing her for 6+ months, she's finally decided we mean it when we say she's out of our lives, and she's agreed to go to counseling - all three of us. DH wants to go.

Can anyone walk me through what it's like? I've never been to any type of counseling. Will we all meet together? Will we meet separately first (or ever) or all three walk in and hash it out? I am really not super excited about going - I am not a confrontational person and I don't relish the idea of even seeing my MIL right now - but it means a great deal to my husband so I am willing to make it happen.

My MIL has completely insane ideas about things that have happened in the past and she's fabricated a number of stories, events, conversations, etc. that have supposedly occurred, while conveniently forgetting or denying other hurtful things or statements that she's made. My husband really wants to go to therapy just to get an impartial third party to listen to all of this mess and tell my MIL that she should take some ownership of the problem. Is this realistic? My irrational fear is that my MIL will start telling the counselor all her crazy ideas and the counselor will believe her and think that WE are the ones causing all the problems! I'm not saying we are perfect...but she has said very hurtful, toxic lies about us and to us and she refuses to acknowledge that anything she's ever said or done could be construed as hurtful.

Just trying to figure out what we're in for and if I am up for it. Thanks in advance for any help or advice.