Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

I do that but it doesn't stress me out any less. Same if dh is wfh and having a shit day. I absorb all the energy.

Anonymous wrote:Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

What is going on with all you people seeing therapists? Why do you have children if you are nuts?

Our therapist has taught us to "validate". Validate their feelings.

So Kid is upset because, I dunno, "teacher hates me". You acknowledge: It must be really hard to be in a class where you feel that way".

Didn't get to go to the party? "I understand you feel really disappointed".

You aren't agreeing with her - you aren't saying the teacher DOES hate her. You are just acknowledging her feelings. You aren't offering 20 solutions, just validating her feelings. It really helps the kid self soothe and defuses many situations before they spiral.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good job OP! It’s not easy. I’m still learning and my dad is 20.
But your new way of thinking is right on.
Also, don’t feel guilty about removing yourself and walking away from the turmoil when you need to. You can tell her you love her but that you need to step away for a moment.

Your dad is 20?

Come on, you know what she meant. DD often gets autocorrected to dad.

Anonymous wrote:Good job OP! It’s not easy. I’m still learning and my dad is 20.
But your new way of thinking is right on.
Also, don’t feel guilty about removing yourself and walking away from the turmoil when you need to. You can tell her you love her but that you need to step away for a moment.

Your dad is 20?

It's hard, congratulations on getting feedback and trying to implement it.

I have actively done too but it is hard, my son called to say he failed a college class and I was anxious all day. UGH! It's so hard. I know it will be fine but dang it is hard.

Anonymous wrote:My oldest DD said such nutty things. Once she got upset with me and screamed "You hate all my friends!" and it took all my self control to not laugh in her face. I disliked two, but didn't hate them and liked all the others. It set the tone for how I dealt with the younger ones as they approached teen years.

They have hormones making them crazy and they spend all day in school with other kids whose hormones are making THEM crazy as well. Even when kids push against it, they feel safe in a home with stable people whose hormones are NOT going crazy. So we just stayed reasonable and consistent.

Our hormones are literally going crazy too though.

While I know this I cannot do it.

My oldest DD said such nutty things. Once she got upset with me and screamed "You hate all my friends!" and it took all my self control to not laugh in her face. I disliked two, but didn't hate them and liked all the others. It set the tone for how I dealt with the younger ones as they approached teen years.

They have hormones making them crazy and they spend all day in school with other kids whose hormones are making THEM crazy as well. Even when kids push against it, they feel safe in a home with stable people whose hormones are NOT going crazy. So we just stayed reasonable and consistent.

Sure. I’m not the Op from that thread but totally related and chimed in. Here you go:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1186453.page

OP, can you direct me to this thread? Pretty sure I could use it.

Yes, thank you! Each time, there is a twinge of guilt, but it passes. As does her drama de l'heure. And I’m settling in for bed now noticing I feel far less wound up than usual.

DD*

Good job OP! It’s not easy. I’m still learning and my dad is 20.
But your new way of thinking is right on.
Also, don’t feel guilty about removing yourself and walking away from the turmoil when you need to. You can tell her you love her but that you need to step away for a moment.

This was the gist of a thread from last week or so. Honestly, the thought had never occurred to me. Teen girls are emotional and can be explosive. We know this. And I have been taking on every single ounce of it. All of it. Never occurred to me NOT to. And I realize now that I felt I was a bad mom if I didn’t. Like it meant I didn’t care. Like I was being a callous shitty mom. This week I’ve been actively trying to not absorb it. To be there. To listen. But not take it on, not solve it (unless I’m asked for help) and most importantly not to get all anxious myself. Because not only does it not feel good to me, but when I worry, I hover and when I hover my dd doesn’t like that (duh! Who would right?!). So thanks, DCUM. Total epiphanic game-changer. Still fighting the little voice of guilt each time I disengage but I’m working on it.