Reply to The Weight Thing

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "The Weight Thing"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is less about the weight and more about changing who you are.  When I married my DH we were 22 - Seniors in college.  We were both in fantastic shape.  Both runners, trainers, hikers, sailors... Avid outdoorsy people.  Health and fitness were a huge part of our lives.  I was 5'5 and 115 pounds when we got married.  We started having kids right away.  Five kids and almost 30 years later I am still 5'5 and between 115 and 120 pounds.  If I gained a bunch of weight (short of a serious injury or illness), I wouldn't even be the same woman he married.  My priorities, goals, hobbies,....all that would have changed.  It's not really fair to completely change who you are and just expect your partner to adapt and accept it.  It's not as easy to maintain my ideal weight at 50.  I have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis which makes exercise more difficult. We've both had numerous sports related injuries.  We've had to modify the way to work out. We have to be more careful with our diets.  Remaining active and healthy is a little more challenging these days, but it's still important to both of us.  If I decided I just didn't care anymore, would that really be fair?[/quote]

Honestly, if you marriage was based on you saying something like "till you change" and not till death do us part, or through sickness and health, then sure. It's not fair. But, to assume that someone gains weight just because they love food and have just managed to let go is so one-sided and superficial.

I was a virgin, I was sexually, emotionally and verbally abused as a kid, not by the same people. When I met my ex-H, we were young, and I was thin. I was so damn insecure and sought his approval all the time. I was 115 pounds when he told me I could lose weight. When we started having sex, he was so bad, and so bored, and it was just about him. I was  young and stupid and I internalized it to mean he didn't love me and didn't find me attractive. He was abusive and basically told me that when I said what's up with our sex life. I'll spare you a long story, but, I was an abused person, who dealt with her abusive and withholding marriage and all the shit that came with it, by letting myself go. It wasn't even that I was eating like a pig, I was just not healthy anymore. I ate what was available, when it was. I had a metabolism problem that I didn't address. Every time I'd go to the gym for a month and diet and not lose weight, I'd quit and gain more weight. My ex through it all kept letting me know how much I had failed. And you guess it, the weight kept going up, and up, and up. What I didn't realize or see at the time was that my relationship with him was SO unhealthy, that I lost all sense and semblance of who I was, what I wanted and my worth. From the withholding sex, to the abusive remarks about my appearance, my life, my family, my choices, etc. I was stupid and should have sought help immediately. I should went to therapy YEARS ago and spared myself the hurt and the weight gain. I should have understood that going from a background of being molested and afraid of sex, to wanting sex and having your partner reject you was not good for me. I should have known that being constantly told and made to feel as less than was not good for me, and that I was dealing with it all by hurting ME.

Point is, I gained weight, and when I tried to address it, it wasn't just a matter of exercise and diet. When my ex and I divorced, my whole life shattered and broke. But, you know what changed? I lost weight without even trying. And I kept losing it. When you're in a shitty relationship, it shows. I think what bothers people isn't that "you let yourself go," it's that they see how they make you feel. And if you don't look as good as you did without them, maybe inherently they realize it's because of them that you're not feeling your best.

Anyway, a real marriage with real vows would include a partner realizing you're depressed, realizing you're not handling your life's stressors well, whatever they may be and saying, this is the sickness part, how can I stick it out with you for the health part.

Anyone else who's focused on the looks part, I hope you never get hit by a car, or caught in a fire, because I'd hate to see your spouse walk out on you because you don't look like you used to. 
 [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics