Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish my spouse wasn't balding. I am so upset that he got so defensive when I talked to him about this. If he cared about our marriage, he would use Rogaine. I have had no problem maintaining my hair. Why can't he do that? Why is this so difficult to understand?

Nice try. Working out and eating better causes weight loss. Nothing magically stops hair loss. Good try though.

I like bald guys!

NOT the same as fat guys - yuck.

OP, it will depend on many more things than weight alone. Marriage is a complicated matter for many people who thrive on creating and overcoming their own adversities. Most marriages will fail, and there are innumerable specific reasons for that. It's just that--the institution of marriage has run its course and is rapidly losing its purpose in today's world.

Anonymous wrote:It is less about the weight and more about changing who you are. When I married my DH we were 22 - Seniors in college. We were both in fantastic shape. Both runners, trainers, hikers, sailors... Avid outdoorsy people. Health and fitness were a huge part of our lives. I was 5'5 and 115 pounds when we got married. We started having kids right away. Five kids and almost 30 years later I am still 5'5 and between 115 and 120 pounds. If I gained a bunch of weight (short of a serious injury or illness), I wouldn't even be the same woman he married. My priorities, goals, hobbies,....all that would have changed. It's not really fair to completely change who you are and just expect your partner to adapt and accept it. It's not as easy to maintain my ideal weight at 50. I have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis which makes exercise more difficult. We've both had numerous sports related injuries. We've had to modify the way to work out. We have to be more careful with our diets. Remaining active and healthy is a little more challenging these days, but it's still important to both of us. If I decided I just didn't care anymore, would that really be fair?

Honestly, if you marriage was based on you saying something like "till you change" and not till death do us part, or through sickness and health, then sure. It's not fair. But, to assume that someone gains weight just because they love food and have just managed to let go is so one-sided and superficial.

I was a virgin, I was sexually, emotionally and verbally abused as a kid, not by the same people. When I met my ex-H, we were young, and I was thin. I was so damn insecure and sought his approval all the time. I was 115 pounds when he told me I could lose weight. When we started having sex, he was so bad, and so bored, and it was just about him. I was young and stupid and I internalized it to mean he didn't love me and didn't find me attractive. He was abusive and basically told me that when I said what's up with our sex life. I'll spare you a long story, but, I was an abused person, who dealt with her abusive and withholding marriage and all the shit that came with it, by letting myself go. It wasn't even that I was eating like a pig, I was just not healthy anymore. I ate what was available, when it was. I had a metabolism problem that I didn't address. Every time I'd go to the gym for a month and diet and not lose weight, I'd quit and gain more weight. My ex through it all kept letting me know how much I had failed. And you guess it, the weight kept going up, and up, and up. What I didn't realize or see at the time was that my relationship with him was SO unhealthy, that I lost all sense and semblance of who I was, what I wanted and my worth. From the withholding sex, to the abusive remarks about my appearance, my life, my family, my choices, etc. I was stupid and should have sought help immediately. I should went to therapy YEARS ago and spared myself the hurt and the weight gain. I should have understood that going from a background of being molested and afraid of sex, to wanting sex and having your partner reject you was not good for me. I should have known that being constantly told and made to feel as less than was not good for me, and that I was dealing with it all by hurting ME.

Point is, I gained weight, and when I tried to address it, it wasn't just a matter of exercise and diet. When my ex and I divorced, my whole life shattered and broke. But, you know what changed? I lost weight without even trying. And I kept losing it. When you're in a shitty relationship, it shows. I think what bothers people isn't that "you let yourself go," it's that they see how they make you feel. And if you don't look as good as you did without them, maybe inherently they realize it's because of them that you're not feeling your best.

Anyway, a real marriage with real vows would include a partner realizing you're depressed, realizing you're not handling your life's stressors well, whatever they may be and saying, this is the sickness part, how can I stick it out with you for the health part.

Anyone else who's focused on the looks part, I hope you never get hit by a car, or caught in a fire, because I'd hate to see your spouse walk out on you because you don't look like you used to.

Sometimes I'll see a really good looking guy married to a seriously overweight woman (talking 25+ lbs or more) and I have to wonder how long that is going to last.

That plus (PLUS!) I think bald men are sexy. No rogaine, please. Own it.

Anonymous wrote:Diet contributes way more to a person's weight than exercise, so the time excuse never quite resonates.

This!

Get fat together.

It is less about the weight and more about changing who you are. When I married my DH we were 22 - Seniors in college. We were both in fantastic shape. Both runners, trainers, hikers, sailors... Avid outdoorsy people. Health and fitness were a huge part of our lives. I was 5'5 and 115 pounds when we got married. We started having kids right away. Five kids and almost 30 years later I am still 5'5 and between 115 and 120 pounds. If I gained a bunch of weight (short of a serious injury or illness), I wouldn't even be the same woman he married. My priorities, goals, hobbies,....all that would have changed. It's not really fair to completely change who you are and just expect your partner to adapt and accept it. It's not as easy to maintain my ideal weight at 50. I have osteoarthritis and osteoporosis which makes exercise more difficult. We've both had numerous sports related injuries. We've had to modify the way to work out. We have to be more careful with our diets. Remaining active and healthy is a little more challenging these days, but it's still important to both of us. If I decided I just didn't care anymore, would that really be fair?

My DH has gained weight with all of my pregnancies and has had a hard time losing it. He may not have the body he did when we got married, but that's because he cooked awesome food for my pregnancy cravings and chooses to spend time with us at night instead of running after work (he also works his butt off to support us). He tries to eat healthy and works out, but will never be the same as he was at 30. I think he's as sexy now as he was the day I married him.

Anonymous wrote:Weight is not just about appearance. It's hard to do many things when people are overweight, so they are no longer a good partner because they can't participate in activities. It becomes a quality of life issue. They are also less healthy and health is what is attractive.

Meh. This goes both ways. I know plenty of thin people who refuse to go to social event where food is involved or to cook meals for their families, preceding to eat diet food. I also know many who are not healthy and use amphetamines (meth, diet pills, adderall) in order to maintain their weight. And there are plenty of women who are a size 10/12 and still able to participate in family hikes and bike rides.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really wish my spouse wasn't balding. I am so upset that he got so defensive when I talked to him about this. If he cared about our marriage, he would use Rogaine. I have had no problem maintaining my hair. Why can't he do that? Why is this so difficult to understand?

Nice try. Working out and eating better causes weight loss. Nothing magically stops hair loss. Good try though.

Oh I have empathy, but it just isn't as attractive. He should use Rogaine. Sorry. Truth hurts.

Yes honey, we understood your attempt at wittiness the first time. No need to explain.

Not trying to be witty. Just speaking the truth. Hair is more attractive than balding.

Well if this bothers you so much, I suggest you save up $$ for husband to receive hair restoration transplant surgery. Rogaine does not regrow hair on a bald man. If that's such a big deal for you by all means tell him so. In that sense, I would agree it's similar to weight gain.

But the major difference is that weight gain is 100% within control but hair loss is 100% uncontrollable. So a man who loses hair isn't being lazy or selfish or disrespecting his wife, but a wife who gains weight is lazy, selfish, disrespectful. In that sense, your example is totally different from weight gain

Weight is not just about appearance. It's hard to do many things when people are overweight, so they are no longer a good partner because they can't participate in activities. It becomes a quality of life issue. They are also less healthy and health is what is attractive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Physical attraction is a huge component of a relationship/marriage. Otherwise, you'd be "just friends." So, to me it is. I'm a woman. Sorry, a huge gut and three chins doesn't do it for me and I don't want to be married to someone who I see as just a friend. Of course I want them to be my best friend but also have an incredible attraction. Before the disgruntled women flame me, yes, I take good care of myself. 36, 5'5, 125 pounds, work out 5 days a week for the past two decades.

Honey, you don't have a clue. Anyone can look good at 36. See us when you are 46.

,

So true.

Please! Like 46 is all that old either. DCUM is this strange place where menopause is considered the harbinger of doom for any sense of fitness or attractiveness. I know some damn good looking late 40s-early 50s women who went through menopause and somehow didn't come out looking like ogres.

Are those women still working at full time career type jobs and raising teenagers?

NO, nobody but you has ever done that

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine you are at the grocery store, choosing some ground beef in those 1lb packs. Now imaging 50 of those injected all over your body. Do you not see how utterly unattractive that is? Do you not care how your partner might be completely turned off by this?

It's not about how much you weigh, but how much weight you've gained while married. If you have gained more than like 20 lbs, that makes you a horrible spouse. Sorry but regardless of all the other great/nice things you do, none of that can make up for your unattractive weight gain.

Control your diet and lose the weight. You can do it. This is the first move every recent divorcee makes: loses weight to attract dates. Why not do it for your current spouse?

I have gained more than 20 pounds since we got married. But my husband has gained much more. So long as I gain less than he has, I guess I'm ok.

Agreed. Shame on him. But it seems maintaining weight isn't that important to you either.

The big marital divide occurs when ONE spouse gains significant weight while the other maintains.
Because clearly one side cares, the other doesn't. THAT is where the divorces happen.

Oh but I do care. I work out 5X a week and I am losing weight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was an overweight mom because I prioritized everything and everyone else above me. I worked my ass off at an executive position, I was involved in my two kids lives being room mom, team mom, scout mom, et al. I handled everything with the house. My husband did the lawn and fixed things plus he cooked and grocery shopped. We had an awesome sex life. As the kids got older I squeezed in more me time, lost weight and got fit. I would still like to lose more but I'm in a good place and feel sexy.

I believed I was selfless in my choices before but realize now that I needed to be a bit more selfish to do what's right for me and set a good example for my kids. Maybe your wives are the same.

You were overweight because you ate poorly and didn't work out. When you changed that you lost weight. I know lots of busy moms who do it all. It doesn't correlate to fatness. If anything, the opposite.

No shit. Sometimes I'm too busy to eat. I look up at its 2pm and haven't had lunch. When I'm super busy I sometimes put my pants on and they fall down. I then have to make an effort to remember to eat.

Some people eat MORE when they are busy and stressed. Or get headaches and fuzzy headed feeling without calories.