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[quote=Anonymous]This all describes my marriage.  My DH definitely has ADD, is a complainer, is the victim in every situation.  I used to emotionally respond to all of that, and it was exhausting.  For the posters who think this is apathy or emotional detachment, you aren't understanding the process.  It's more of Buddhist detachment - where you step back from the situation and observe it without responding to it.  What I've discovered is that it not only gives me space to be authentically me, it gives my husband space to be authentically him.

I've worked hard to make sure that negative consequences from my DH's behavior more directly affect him - over time he has started to connect the dots and make changes that he initiates - and those changes are more likely to stick that way.  It's sometimes hard to figure out how to do that, you have to get creative and think outside the box - we all affect each other positively and negatively every day - but I have found that the more I can have him deal with his "stuff" the better off we all are.

This is what I know - there's the idealized relationship, and there's the reality that you have.  You can spend all your time fighting against the reality, or make the best of it.  I see the same choice others here have stated - I could divorce, or I could figure out how to make this work.  Obviously, abuse, addiction, adultery or other serious problems tip the scales toward divorce - but until we are dealing with any of those - I think it takes far less effort to make this work and long as we are both are fundamentally have good intentions.  My DH is a good person, he works hard, he loves his children, he loves me.  I've learned to really see how he expresses those things, and not project my expressions on to him.  I care very deeply for him, and we both know that breaking up our family unit would not be best for our children.  He would actually suffer the most, which wouldn't be good for our children.  I saw the burden he and his sister carried over their father's deterioration after their parent's divorce.  Divorce might remove petty annoyances, but give us a whole new batch of problems & logistics to deal with.  Our life together is not volatile, and is full of a lot of good - good that I was able to see more clearly when I didn't spend all my time on reacting moment by moment.
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