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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'll speak as the LDDW.  I watched the Ted talk linked upthread.  I am one of those unlucky people she talks about who after 2 kids needs arousal before desire. DH is HD but will not initiate. I am totally willing to "just do it" but have asked for more initiation.  He can't or won't.  Like OP, this makes me sad that he just doesn't care and frustrated that I am willing to do my part but he isn't.  I am not talking about duty or charity here.  I have expressed what I need (as he has with more frequency) and that need is being ignored.  And now the Ted Talk lady putting science behind my perspective makes me feel better and worse and the same time.  Like, the research says I'm not crazy or just being a bitch as some rude pps on this thread want to suggest.  there's a solution out there, and I've given Dh the keys to solve it. He just won't use them.  So, more burden for me to shoulder.   Did that answer your question, OP? [/quote]

I don't know how the conversation went with your DH about your body's need to be jump started before you feel desire, but this is probably something you really need to hammer home so he can trust it. If you felt desire for him in the past without him having to initiate and/or if you masturbate without anyone initiating, it's going to take a lot of reinforcement for him to really believe that your reluctance to initiate isn't a reflection of his sex appeal and desirability to you.

I'm pretty sure this is what's going on with my wife even though she has not put it in these terms (further complicated by the fact that she frequently rejects my initiations.) But, even though I have an intellectual appreciation that women often need to be aroused before they feel desire -- and therefore won't initiate, it's tough for me to internalize this emotionally. When I see her initiating any number of other activities, it's tough not to feel like these are activities she likes better than having sex with me. Going for runs seems like a good example -- running is similar in that it generally isn't pleasurable immediately, it feels good once you get started, it's good for you, and you feel great after you finish. And, yet, she is perfectly capable of "initiating" a run 5 days a week. But sex can't be enough of a priority that she'll initiate that once or twice a month? It's hard for me to reconcile in a way where I emotionally trust that she loves me but, even so, can't get herself to initiate sex a couple of times a month. [/quote]

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