Anonymous
Post 03/02/2016 11:56     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:I'll speak as the LDDW. I watched the Ted talk linked upthread. I am one of those unlucky people she talks about who after 2 kids needs arousal before desire. DH is HD but will not initiate. I am totally willing to "just do it" but have asked for more initiation. He can't or won't. Like OP, this makes me sad that he just doesn't care and frustrated that I am willing to do my part but he isn't. I am not talking about duty or charity here. I have expressed what I need (as he has with more frequency) and that need is being ignored. And now the Ted Talk lady putting science behind my perspective makes me feel better and worse and the same time. Like, the research says I'm not crazy or just being a bitch as some rude pps on this thread want to suggest. there's a solution out there, and I've given Dh the keys to solve it. He just won't use them. So, more burden for me to shoulder. Did that answer your question, OP?


I don't know how the conversation went with your DH about your body's need to be jump started before you feel desire, but this is probably something you really need to hammer home so he can trust it. If you felt desire for him in the past without him having to initiate and/or if you masturbate without anyone initiating, it's going to take a lot of reinforcement for him to really believe that your reluctance to initiate isn't a reflection of his sex appeal and desirability to you.

I'm pretty sure this is what's going on with my wife even though she has not put it in these terms (further complicated by the fact that she frequently rejects my initiations.) But, even though I have an intellectual appreciation that women often need to be aroused before they feel desire -- and therefore won't initiate, it's tough for me to internalize this emotionally. When I see her initiating any number of other activities, it's tough not to feel like these are activities she likes better than having sex with me. Going for runs seems like a good example -- running is similar in that it generally isn't pleasurable immediately, it feels good once you get started, it's good for you, and you feel great after you finish. And, yet, she is perfectly capable of "initiating" a run 5 days a week. But sex can't be enough of a priority that she'll initiate that once or twice a month? It's hard for me to reconcile in a way where I emotionally trust that she loves me but, even so, can't get herself to initiate sex a couple of times a month.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2016 10:03     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
I'll speak as the LDDW. I watched the Ted talk linked upthread. I am one of those unlucky people she talks about who after 2 kids needs arousal before desire. DH is HD but will not initiate. I am totally willing to "just do it" but have asked for more initiation. He can't or won't. Like OP, this makes me sad that he just doesn't care and frustrated that I am willing to do my part but he isn't. I am not talking about duty or charity here. I have expressed what I need (as he has with more frequency) and that need is being ignored. And now the Ted Talk lady putting science behind my perspective makes me feel better and worse and the same time. Like, the research says I'm not crazy or just being a bitch as some rude pps on this thread want to suggest. there's a solution out there, and I've given Dh the keys to solve it. He just won't use them. So, more burden for me to shoulder. Did that answer your question, OP?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 20:24     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Here's why my DH thinks I'm "low drive"-- it's his behavior. He cooks dinner, which is nice, but then watches ESPN on his phone while we eat. I try to use dinner to talk with our two kids, teach good table manners, etc.. He undermines this with bad table manners and his phone. I watch him wipe his mouth with his hand-- do you think I want that inside me? Then we both do some chores and he half-assedly plays with the kids while still on his damn phone. God forbid we ever have an actual conversation about anything, ever. Then I get ready for bed. After staying up later than either of us should, I hear him in the bathroom. I can tell he doesn't brush his teeth, or even wash his hands after pooping. Then he paws me to see if I'm willing to have sex. Surprise, I'm not! I actually prefer morning sex, but since he won't cooperate with me getting enough sleep, I usually don't feel like it.

The many times we've discussed this, he tells me that he doesn't think his hygiene and table manners are bad and that I'm a snob for caring. He expects me to care about his sexual needs, yet doesn't even care that I don't want to get an infection from his lack of personal hygiene. Most of all, I resent that whenever I try to frankly discuss this, he just calls me a snob and refuses to compromise. So I've reconciled myself to being called "low drive" even though I'm really not.

So, OP, if there's any issue that your wife raised a few times some years back and you dismissed, maybe reconsider that. And brush your damn teeth.


Why did you marry him? People don't change that drastically.


Well, I do love him. Table manners-wise, he was definitely on his best behavior before we were married and has let things slide. But the main difference was having kids. Me needing more sleep and an earlier bedtime wasn't an issue when we didn't have kids. And back then, there was time for both adult conversation and ESPN. I'm just sad that, now that we have to choose one or the other, he's chosen ESPN.

But really, the particulars aren't important. What matters is that my efforts to have a constructive discussion of the problem were ignored for years, until I gave up. I think that's the problem in a lot of these low-sex marriages-- there's a lingering problem or resentment, the man never took it seriously so he's forgotten it ever exists, and the woman has given up trying to get him to address it.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 19:07     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:Here's why my DH thinks I'm "low drive"-- it's his behavior. He cooks dinner, which is nice, but then watches ESPN on his phone while we eat. I try to use dinner to talk with our two kids, teach good table manners, etc.. He undermines this with bad table manners and his phone. I watch him wipe his mouth with his hand-- do you think I want that inside me? Then we both do some chores and he half-assedly plays with the kids while still on his damn phone. God forbid we ever have an actual conversation about anything, ever. Then I get ready for bed. After staying up later than either of us should, I hear him in the bathroom. I can tell he doesn't brush his teeth, or even wash his hands after pooping. Then he paws me to see if I'm willing to have sex. Surprise, I'm not! I actually prefer morning sex, but since he won't cooperate with me getting enough sleep, I usually don't feel like it.

The many times we've discussed this, he tells me that he doesn't think his hygiene and table manners are bad and that I'm a snob for caring. He expects me to care about his sexual needs, yet doesn't even care that I don't want to get an infection from his lack of personal hygiene. Most of all, I resent that whenever I try to frankly discuss this, he just calls me a snob and refuses to compromise. So I've reconciled myself to being called "low drive" even though I'm really not.

So, OP, if there's any issue that your wife raised a few times some years back and you dismissed, maybe reconsider that. And brush your damn teeth.


Why did you marry him? People don't change that drastically.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 19:04     Subject: Re:Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
I think the not good in bed is also a function of a non-working marriage, the resentment, etc. You can't enjoy his touch and attention, so of course from your perspective he is going to be bad in bed. Resolve the issues, and he might magically get better. Or he might just want to spend more time going down on your. I don't know.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 18:22     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.


I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.


This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.


Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.


No, it just takes time to get over resentment. I don't know about other DWs, but I don't get upset and resentful over every little thing such that it impacts our sex life. It takes a lot.

Anyways, you can make fun of what I posted, but there are several DWs on here who have essentially stated the same thing. So, I'm not the only one who feels this way.


+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


+1

If he doesn't have my back, says mean things to me, leaves me with the lion's share of our joint responsibilities, and in general is not trustworthy in these areas - why would I trust him with the most intimate parts of me?

It is all connected.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 17:32     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


How is he supposed to go about getting good in bed? Go out and practice somewhere?


Ummm, talk to his partner? Find out what he's doing that works and what his partner thinks he could improve on? Be open to feedback? The guys I've been with that sucked in bed were always the ones that were defensive any time I tried to give them any guidance on what worked/didn't work, even to the point of being jerks when I told them what they were doing was actually hurting me.


That only works if your partner is willing to have sex with you. If one of the reasons she isn't having sex with you is because she doesn't think you're good in bed, you're kind of in a bind.

(But, I tend to think that the 'bad in bed' thing might be a rationalization. Maybe not -- but it seems like the kind of thing where a person might re-write history. If you come to resent your partner, in your memory, their sexual performance might start to get retroactively worse because of that.)
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 17:18     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Here's why my DH thinks I'm "low drive"-- it's his behavior. He cooks dinner, which is nice, but then watches ESPN on his phone while we eat. I try to use dinner to talk with our two kids, teach good table manners, etc.. He undermines this with bad table manners and his phone. I watch him wipe his mouth with his hand-- do you think I want that inside me? Then we both do some chores and he half-assedly plays with the kids while still on his damn phone. God forbid we ever have an actual conversation about anything, ever. Then I get ready for bed. After staying up later than either of us should, I hear him in the bathroom. I can tell he doesn't brush his teeth, or even wash his hands after pooping. Then he paws me to see if I'm willing to have sex. Surprise, I'm not! I actually prefer morning sex, but since he won't cooperate with me getting enough sleep, I usually don't feel like it.

The many times we've discussed this, he tells me that he doesn't think his hygiene and table manners are bad and that I'm a snob for caring. He expects me to care about his sexual needs, yet doesn't even care that I don't want to get an infection from his lack of personal hygiene. Most of all, I resent that whenever I try to frankly discuss this, he just calls me a snob and refuses to compromise. So I've reconciled myself to being called "low drive" even though I'm really not.

So, OP, if there's any issue that your wife raised a few times some years back and you dismissed, maybe reconsider that. And brush your damn teeth.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 16:43     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


How is he supposed to go about getting good in bed? Go out and practice somewhere?


Ummm, talk to his partner? Find out what he's doing that works and what his partner thinks he could improve on? Be open to feedback? The guys I've been with that sucked in bed were always the ones that were defensive any time I tried to give them any guidance on what worked/didn't work, even to the point of being jerks when I told them what they were doing was actually hurting me.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 16:22     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:

+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


How is he supposed to go about getting good in bed? Go out and practice somewhere?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 16:05     Subject: Re:Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband is low drive. Now I am too! I fought for years for our sex life. Now I've given up and I have little interest in having sex with him once a week on his schedule only. He's drilled it into me that I can't rely on him for my sexual needs. Finding out he had an affair was a slap in the face.


We're not there yet but I am afraid this is where DH and I will be in a few years (I don't think he'll have an affair although anything is possible). He's low drive but on the rare occasions he wants sex, it has to be entirely on his schedule, exactly when he wants it and if I don't jump at the chance to do it right then regardless of how I'm feeling, then it's entirely my fault that we didn't have sex that day/week/whatever.

I used to think I was a high drive person but I can feel my drive dying day by day. Soon it'll be gone then we'll both just be celibate life partners.


That might be a good thing. Seems a lot of people fight over that, money and kids.


It's strange but I often wonder if it is for the best. I love him, he loves me, I want to spend my life with him. We are compatible in every other way so if we both end up low drive, then no one will be resentful and maybe we can stay happy together... It's just the imbalance of drive that causes resentment and conflict.


Think of the alternative. There are many reasons 2nd marriages fail at a much greater rate. Different people same unrealistic expectations of what a real marriage is. If sex were everything I'd be married to one of my first flames. Thankfully I'm happily married with someone who is also mature and realistic about what truly counts.



Sometimes it's hard to keep that perspective when society seems to always be saying sex is the end all be all indicator of a healthy marriage. I'm much happier when I stop fighting my declining drive since then there isn't conflict between DH and I. Unfortunately, then I get freaked out thinking we couldn't possibly have a happy marriage without tons of sex (even though we express intimacy and affection constantly in nonsexual ways) and I start pushing for sex again. We're younger so I worry that if I "give up" on sex now, one of us will regret it in 10 years and we won't be able to go back.


I identify with this too.

MY DH is the low drive one in the relationship. We haven't had sex since our son was born 2 years ago. I think it began as just new parent exhaustion. Then DH went on anti anxiety meds and I think that really reduced his drive. He also struggles with maintaining an erection and I think he's now become really self conscious about it. So much so that when I've tried to talk about this issue with him in the past he really stonewalls me. Kind of shrugs it off like it's just the stuff of life preventing us from doing it, no big deal. But then has never initiated.

I think that if he was interested he would pursue it, but he doesn't...so I guess that's the answer, right?

The last time we went on a weekend away together alone was when our child was 6 months old and we didn't have sex because we both got food poisoning from the restaurant we ate at. We definitely would have if we had felt fine, the vibe was there earlier in the night and I think we really needed that time to step away from the stress of being new parents. Unfortunately the mood was ruined.

Then I got cancer and have been going through treatment this year - so feeling like it's unlikely that we will ever regain that part of our relationship.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 16:04     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.


I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.


This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.


Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.


No, it just takes time to get over resentment. I don't know about other DWs, but I don't get upset and resentful over every little thing such that it impacts our sex life. It takes a lot.

Anyways, you can make fun of what I posted, but there are several DWs on here who have essentially stated the same thing. So, I'm not the only one who feels this way.


+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


When the "women" viagra pill failed/was inconclusive testing the 1st time, the scientist trying to explain why it didn't work basically said, we don't have a pill that stops husbands from being a-holes.

Yep.. because sex for women is mostly in the brain and heart. Men, please, take this to heart.

OP - you may not realize that maybe your wife has some built up resentment. Ask her if she is willing to go to counseling where she can air it out somewhere safe. I kept my resentment bottled up because I have a hard time talking about my feelings, and sometimes, in the short term, it's easier to not deal with the issues than talk about it which you know will lead to a fight anyways. Sometimes, I'm too tired to fight.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 15:58     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.


I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.


This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.


Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.


No, it just takes time to get over resentment. I don't know about other DWs, but I don't get upset and resentful over every little thing such that it impacts our sex life. It takes a lot.

Anyways, you can make fun of what I posted, but there are several DWs on here who have essentially stated the same thing. So, I'm not the only one who feels this way.


+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?


When the "women" viagra pill failed/was inconclusive testing the 1st time, the scientist trying to explain why it didn't work basically said, we don't have a pill that stops husbands from being a-holes.
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 15:54     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.


I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.


This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.


Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.


No, it just takes time to get over resentment. I don't know about other DWs, but I don't get upset and resentful over every little thing such that it impacts our sex life. It takes a lot.

Anyways, you can make fun of what I posted, but there are several DWs on here who have essentially stated the same thing. So, I'm not the only one who feels this way.


+1. I don't think what you outlined is unreasonable at all: for you to be attracted to your partner again, he has to stop causing harm to the relationship and work to repair the damage already done. Also, really, does anyone want to have sex with someone that sucks in bed?
Anonymous
Post 03/01/2016 15:49     Subject: Honest Question for Low Drive Spouses
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me it is emotional. I can't get passed mean thing DH said in the past.


I hear this a lot. It goes back to the horse and cart theory. If a man refuses to communicate or resolve a issue, the woman isn't likely to want as much sex. One of my friends was cheated on by her spouse. She stayed married but didn't want much sex with him after that. Obligation sex was about it.

Another lady had issues with her in-laws because her husband let them walk all over her. He wouldn't put her first, in return she didn't put his needs first.


This.. for me. Even if he tries to change it, there's the past. It's hard to let go. It takes time to heal. I don't want to have sex with someone I'm angry with, resent, or dislike. Plus, it doesn't help that he's not that great at it.


Wow there are a lot of things packed in there:

1. He is doing a bad thing.
2. He did bad things in the past.
3. I resent him for the bad things he used to do.
4. I am angry at him.
5. I dislike him.
6. He's bad at sex.

So, in order for you guys to start having sex, he has to stop doing the bad thing. You have to start liking him. You have to stop being angry at him. He has to somehow get good at sex. And, some arbitrary and indeterminate amount of time has to pass so you stop resenting him. Also too: hope your hormones and health are in relatively good shape when all this other crap gets cleared up and don't develop any new resentments in the meantime.


No, it just takes time to get over resentment. I don't know about other DWs, but I don't get upset and resentful over every little thing such that it impacts our sex life. It takes a lot.

Anyways, you can make fun of what I posted, but there are several DWs on here who have essentially stated the same thing. So, I'm not the only one who feels this way.