Reply to What's the Point of Chasing Marriage and Kids, Really?!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a 36 year old woman. I don't have kids and don't want kids. I'd like a long-term relationship but don't particularly care if it includes marriage or not. There may not be many of us, but we exist. [/quote]

It seems like there are many people here making us out to be strange creatures walking around with emotional issues that would prevent intimacy.

I posed the question because I thought I was somehow setting myself up to miss out on the 'greener grass.' That's obviously not the case and so far it seems there are three types out there:

1. Those like you (potentially us) who can happily live without NEEDING to marry or have kids.

2. Those who think marriage and parenting are the gold standard for relationships and being family oriented, respectively; any deviation is a social mutation.

3. Those (like me) who are mentally and emotionally ambivalent; I don't NEED kids to feel complete/happy, but would only do it makes the woman I am in love with happy.

So number 3 highlights the 'trouble' because I am not sure if I will have regrets when the challenging times set in, or will suddenly want more after the first pregnancy. It is a very serious risk to take, so safe bet to avoid and say "not for me" altogether.

So for persons who have done parenting, did you do it because you/your relationship felt incomplete without it, or were you like number 3 going in?

That's my purpose for starting this thread, not to be told I am some social mutation because of my disposition.

Thanks. [/quote]

NP here.  I think you can live a happy, fulfilled life and never get married or have children.  I would echo the previous posters that said you need to be upfront in dating.  That said, I knew that I wanted a child at some point.  I am not a kid person in general but I knew some day I wanted to experience being a mother ...even if this meant pursuing it solo. Now being married, I knew if I met the right person I would want to get married.  Having parents that appeared to love each other but were not compatible when it came to the big things had me very cautious.  I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship or one where we love each other but agree on nothing.  I do think in some ways having children enhanced my relationship with DH.  The most obvious downside is the lack of time with just the two of us or the less than optimal timing the kids have with staying up late, waking up during the night or waking up early.

I think the difficulty with your situation may be the ambivalence.  If you think maybe but you end up with someone that either starts out maybe and decides they want kids or always knew they wanted kids, it would be tough for them if you to decide no kids.  While you literally can decide in your 50's and beyond to have kids most woman pass that point of the decision being made in early 40's.  If I am a woman in my late 30's assuming it would take 2-3 years to find  someone I would want to marry and get married/try to have a child, by 37 or 38 I can't be a LTR that isn't leading to marriage and/or trying to start a family or that ship will have sailed for me before I can find someone that does wants the same thing.

As for deciding to have children and then resenting it, happiness is a state of mind to some extent. If you decide it is worth it, it will be worth it.  I can't convince you that the sacrifices are worth it. I think one time when I was having one of those let's be real parenting discussion with really close friends we figured 80% is responsibility like the tripling of the laundry, balancing work, the cleaning, the diapers when they were younger, financial costs of daycare, housing costs to be in a school district with great programs, scrambling for snow and sick days, the work to find couples time  etcwhile the object of these sacrifices/added responsibility will tell you are the worst parent ever because you asked them to do homework when they would rather watch tv.   But the 20% of the times that have made the other times worth it.[/quote]

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