Reply to What's the Point of Chasing Marriage and Kids, Really?!

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a 50 + woman. I never wanted to get married, really. I certainly never wanted children. I thought they were too much work, too much money, too much time. I didn't want to cut into my freedom and fun.  But my husband really, really wanted them, so after more than 10 years of marriage we started trying to have a child.
 
It took awhile, but we did have a child in our 40s -- and he turned out to have a disability. So definitely time, money, and work.  And our freedom and fun have been curtailed. That being said, it has still been probably the most moving and important experience in my life. It's a gift to actually have to put yourself second, think of others first, do things you normally wouldn't want to do. Our child is so fun, and funny, and kind. It would be so much of a lesser life never having known him.

I also truly enjoy being married. We really enjoy each other and have each other's backs. We are each other's cheerleaders. I also hated dating, so it's great not to have to keep starting over. That may be fun in your mid 30s, but it's a different story in your mid 50s.[/quote]

Thanks. This is a very solid perspective.

OP [/quote]

The reason I think this is a solid perspective is because I really started this thread primarily to hear from experiences like yours.

While I know I naturally don't feel parenting NEEDS to be part of my life story, what happens if I fall in love with someone who wants it upfront, or eventually? Do I be fair to myself and walk away from the relationship, or COMPROMISE with the risk of resenting it during the testing times, but feeling fulfilled during the good times?

Personally I think I would struggle with resentment depending on the day, and I don't think that is really right or fair to those involved. So my question is, is it normal for parents to have resentments, or does fulfillment overshadow any room for resentment?

I prefer to ask now than to make a costly blunder further on.

Thanks.

OP. [/quote]

Resentment? A lot of men feel resentful about their choice to become a father. Hell, my husband only now after 16 years of first becoming a father is actually enjoying the experience. He is not a kid person, he doesn't like them, but loves his own. He was not as involved as I would have liked. I covered his ass a lot with the kids. For his part, he provided well for them /us but he mostly wanted them to be seen not heard. For my part, I always wanted to have kids. For his part, he wanted me so went along with having kids because I wouldn't have stayed with him if he couldn't deliver on the kids front. He used to warned friends about having kids when asked. He acted like a bachelor in the singleminded way he spent his free time. I kept a positive front for the kids.

Fast forward to 15 years later. You will not meet anyone who brags more about his kids.  His whole weekend is spent during activities with the kids, including the weeknights. He seems to enjoy doing the most mundane things with them now, where it used to bore him. They go out to dinner,  takes long walks, watch silly movies, laugh at adolescent like jokes. As young teens, he is advising them about the benefit/perils of the dating world. They wear his clothes, he doesn't mind. They get into his stuff with no complaints. The sun seems to rise and set on them. He has completely taken over parenting duties from me in a major way.  The kids are successful because he paved the way of opportunities for them. He is reaping the benefit. The kids dote on him, express their love and affection when he travels, always overlooking his shortcomings. Every time I see him grinning from ear to ear watching them accomplishing something, I have to remind him that I actually had to beg him for those kids, particularly, the second one. My story is not to encourage you to see kids in your future OP, but I remember my husband having a similar attitude about children. I give him an ultimatum, he chose to have kids to keep me and now they are his whole life.

It took 15 years of being positive (to the kids) and hopeful to get here. It has not been easy, but if you asked my husband now in his late 40's what he lives for, he would tell you his kids. He has become a passionate father and I'm blown away. 
[/quote]

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