Reply to Tough situation with stepdaughter

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I read this whole thread and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

First of all, I think you need to actually tell your husband everything you've told this board. Print out the thread itself if you want to and show it to him. I was the person who changed her mind about wanting to have more children after having a scary miscarriage (similar to yours, from what it sounds like) and I felt so awful about that. Does your husband understand how much his decision has hurt you? It is definitely one of those situations where compromise is not really possible.

Secondly, I think that it is completely inappropriate for your stepdaughter to weigh in on whether or not you and her father "could" have a child together. However, she was 14 and it was a long time ago, so there's not really much to be done about it now. It's okay for you to dislike her based on her treatment of you. I know that my mom disliked me for some of my teenage years, when I was a jerk. My child is 4, but there are times when I don't really like her either as a result of her behavior. It does not mean that my mom doesn't LOVE me or that I don't LOVE my daughter or that you don't LOVE your stepdaughter, but you have every right to feel hurt and resentful about behavior that hurts you. How you deal with those feelings is where the situation becomes less black and white. I think it's wonderful that you tried to be kind to her when you were unable to be motherly and loving. You could have chosen to be a lot more immature about it and you didn't.

I think therapy sounds like a good thing for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot and have been dealing with this particular situation of grief and resentment for years without much support. If your husband is ready to talk about things without a counselor,  I think that telling him how much this all is bothering you would be a good start to resolving your feelings.

THAT SAID... what do you actually what to happen as a result of these conversations? Do you want stepdaughter to apologize? Do you want DH to change his mind? Telling him all this without having a desirable result will probably frustrate him (says the half-Nord). Figure out what actions would make you feel better about the situation and go into the conversation looking for a way to make those things happen together. If all you want is acknowledgement of your feelings, you'll probably get that but that will be all you get.

Good luck.[/quote]

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