Reply to I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Big red flag here, OP: Husband cannot understand, or just refuses to acknowledge, the difference between four straight days/nights of house guests versus local relatives who see the children, come to you or whereever the kids are, and then depart (and are no around for showers, every single meal, etc.).

He will insist "They're not house guests, they're my parents."

And he sounds as if he's keeping score -- "Your parents see the kids more than mine!" A score-keeping spouse is a bad thing; it means he's not on your side as a couple but has, in his mind, pitted his parents against yours. He'll deny it, but he's doing it.

OP, I'd ask myself: Is there a larger pattern here? Does he tend to keep score and demand tit-for-tat "fairness" in other aspects of life? Does he tend to insist it's his way or the highway, and dismiss your concerns when you raise them?

If so -- the bigger problem is him and his self-centeredness and placing his parents above your home life together. That's worrying for the future. I would brace for him to expect you to put up with vacations where you're dragged to wherever his family wants to go, and events that are scheduled around his parents and not around you and the kids....You might need a "come to Jesus" talk as someone put it earlier.

Re: the present issue, if you offer several alternatives, could that help? Did you try him out on ideas such as having them come for two nights and not four? Having them stay in a hotel two nights and two nights with you? Having them stay four nights with you, or even more, but no more frequently than every six weeks or (more desirable, I think) every eight weeks? If you stick to making it about coping at home and not about your annoyance with the in-laws and with him, would he respond to that?

One thing: As your kid(s) get older their own schedules for school, activities, etc. will start to shape your lives and it will become even less convenient to have overnight guests for four nights a month. But maybe by then the novelty of these visits will have worn off for the in-laws....[/quote]

I also think positions like this is harmful.  You are demomizing the DH and making it "them vs. her."   He may be a little tunnel visioned on the issue but he is NOT wrong for being welcoming to his own parents - who just want to spend time with family.  Sure, he needs to be more considerate, compromise and adjust - just like all new parents do.  But putting the bug in her ear that he is self centered and that she may be in for a life of this is frankly not fair.  Most young couples go through boundary issues with IL's.  It is totally natural is not always indicative of a personality flaw in either of the spouses. People are figuring out ways to co-exist in a new dynamic.

The solutions you suggest are where OP should start. [/quote]

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