Anonymous
01/29/2015 12:18
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
^^Then again, I keep forgetting the majority of people come from broken disfunctional homes. It's sad.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 12:17
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.
I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.
+1 Is it so hard to imagine the reversed scenario? How would you like your parents to be treated by DH? How would you feel about an ultimatum "it's either me or them"? Grow the f*ck up.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 12:00
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.
I agree with OP's angst for the most part, but if my spouse refused to be gracious to my parents (no matter how he felt about them visiting), we would be done as a couple.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 11:58
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
I feel for you, OP. My in-laws did this for the first 18 months of our first child's life. They meant well, they wanted to spend time with us and the baby, but it was so, so hard. Especially in the beginning when all I wanted was to be able to figure out how to breastfeed without an audience. Plus they always tried to convince us to go out so they could babysit. In those early weeks I was so tired and nursing so often I couldn't have left even if I desperately wanted to.
I would just honestly and simply say the frequent visits are hard on you, not because you don't love them, but because you are struggling with establishing a routine. Ask if you can put them up in a hotel but say they are welcome to spend all morning and afternoon at the house.
I would just honestly and simply say the frequent visits are hard on you, not because you don't love them, but because you are struggling with establishing a routine. Ask if you can put them up in a hotel but say they are welcome to spend all morning and afternoon at the house.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 11:58
Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Big red flag here, OP: Husband cannot understand, or just refuses to acknowledge, the difference between four straight days/nights of house guests versus local relatives who see the children, come to you or whereever the kids are, and then depart (and are no around for showers, every single meal, etc.).
He will insist "They're not house guests, they're my parents."
And he sounds as if he's keeping score -- "Your parents see the kids more than mine!" A score-keeping spouse is a bad thing; it means he's not on your side as a couple but has, in his mind, pitted his parents against yours. He'll deny it, but he's doing it.
OP, I'd ask myself: Is there a larger pattern here? Does he tend to keep score and demand tit-for-tat "fairness" in other aspects of life? Does he tend to insist it's his way or the highway, and dismiss your concerns when you raise them?
If so -- the bigger problem is him and his self-centeredness and placing his parents above your home life together. That's worrying for the future. I would brace for him to expect you to put up with vacations where you're dragged to wherever his family wants to go, and events that are scheduled around his parents and not around you and the kids....You might need a "come to Jesus" talk as someone put it earlier.
Re: the present issue, if you offer several alternatives, could that help? Did you try him out on ideas such as having them come for two nights and not four? Having them stay in a hotel two nights and two nights with you? Having them stay four nights with you, or even more, but no more frequently than every six weeks or (more desirable, I think) every eight weeks? If you stick to making it about coping at home and not about your annoyance with the in-laws and with him, would he respond to that?
One thing: As your kid(s) get older their own schedules for school, activities, etc. will start to shape your lives and it will become even less convenient to have overnight guests for four nights a month. But maybe by then the novelty of these visits will have worn off for the in-laws....
I also think positions like this is harmful. You are demomizing the DH and making it "them vs. her." He may be a little tunnel visioned on the issue but he is NOT wrong for being welcoming to his own parents - who just want to spend time with family. Sure, he needs to be more considerate, compromise and adjust - just like all new parents do. But putting the bug in her ear that he is self centered and that she may be in for a life of this is frankly not fair. Most young couples go through boundary issues with IL's. It is totally natural is not always indicative of a personality flaw in either of the spouses. People are figuring out ways to co-exist in a new dynamic.
The solutions you suggest are where OP should start.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 11:16
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
If he insists on these visits HE can do the extra work. Meals, cleaning, chauffer, etc. Do not compromise.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 10:53
Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Big red flag here, OP: Husband cannot understand, or just refuses to acknowledge, the difference between four straight days/nights of house guests versus local relatives who see the children, come to you or whereever the kids are, and then depart (and are no around for showers, every single meal, etc.).
He will insist "They're not house guests, they're my parents."
And he sounds as if he's keeping score -- "Your parents see the kids more than mine!" A score-keeping spouse is a bad thing; it means he's not on your side as a couple but has, in his mind, pitted his parents against yours. He'll deny it, but he's doing it.
OP, I'd ask myself: Is there a larger pattern here? Does he tend to keep score and demand tit-for-tat "fairness" in other aspects of life? Does he tend to insist it's his way or the highway, and dismiss your concerns when you raise them?
If so -- the bigger problem is him and his self-centeredness and placing his parents above your home life together. That's worrying for the future. I would brace for him to expect you to put up with vacations where you're dragged to wherever his family wants to go, and events that are scheduled around his parents and not around you and the kids....You might need a "come to Jesus" talk as someone put it earlier.
Re: the present issue, if you offer several alternatives, could that help? Did you try him out on ideas such as having them come for two nights and not four? Having them stay in a hotel two nights and two nights with you? Having them stay four nights with you, or even more, but no more frequently than every six weeks or (more desirable, I think) every eight weeks? If you stick to making it about coping at home and not about your annoyance with the in-laws and with him, would he respond to that?
One thing: As your kid(s) get older their own schedules for school, activities, etc. will start to shape your lives and it will become even less convenient to have overnight guests for four nights a month. But maybe by then the novelty of these visits will have worn off for the in-laws....
He will insist "They're not house guests, they're my parents."
And he sounds as if he's keeping score -- "Your parents see the kids more than mine!" A score-keeping spouse is a bad thing; it means he's not on your side as a couple but has, in his mind, pitted his parents against yours. He'll deny it, but he's doing it.
OP, I'd ask myself: Is there a larger pattern here? Does he tend to keep score and demand tit-for-tat "fairness" in other aspects of life? Does he tend to insist it's his way or the highway, and dismiss your concerns when you raise them?
If so -- the bigger problem is him and his self-centeredness and placing his parents above your home life together. That's worrying for the future. I would brace for him to expect you to put up with vacations where you're dragged to wherever his family wants to go, and events that are scheduled around his parents and not around you and the kids....You might need a "come to Jesus" talk as someone put it earlier.
Re: the present issue, if you offer several alternatives, could that help? Did you try him out on ideas such as having them come for two nights and not four? Having them stay in a hotel two nights and two nights with you? Having them stay four nights with you, or even more, but no more frequently than every six weeks or (more desirable, I think) every eight weeks? If you stick to making it about coping at home and not about your annoyance with the in-laws and with him, would he respond to that?
One thing: As your kid(s) get older their own schedules for school, activities, etc. will start to shape your lives and it will become even less convenient to have overnight guests for four nights a month. But maybe by then the novelty of these visits will have worn off for the in-laws....
Anonymous
01/29/2015 10:40
Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Her husband is already undermining the marriage by not budging. Four days a month is unreasonable by any standard. He needs to get it together and prioritize his wife's needs.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 10:25
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Please put your foot down now or later you will be headed for a divorce.
See...IMO...this is not helpful at all.
Like adults and partners, OP needs to stress the need for compromise and reach one that is acceptable to both of them. Putting a foot down when it comes to a spouse's parents in such a way that it is unwelcoming and disrespectful will create many more probelms than it solves. Maybe some of you deal with your IL's in a heavy handed approach. But trust me when I say, it will only hurt you in the long run.
+1
Is it any wonder that there are so many failed relationships on this forum? It would be impossible to sustain a relationship if one spouse feels he/she has the right to "put your foot down" when there are conflicts.
I hope OP does not follow the advice of some of these posters and ends up undermining her marriage.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 10:07
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Please put your foot down now or later you will be headed for a divorce.
See...IMO...this is not helpful at all.
Like adults and partners, OP needs to stress the need for compromise and reach one that is acceptable to both of them. Putting a foot down when it comes to a spouse's parents in such a way that it is unwelcoming and disrespectful will create many more probelms than it solves. Maybe some of you deal with your IL's in a heavy handed approach. But trust me when I say, it will only hurt you in the long run.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 10:00
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Please put your foot down now or later you will be headed for a divorce.
Put your foot down and you will likely be headed for serious marital problems down the line whether it ends up in divorce or not.
Anonymous
01/29/2015 07:06
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I pity DH thinking OP will end up taking the passive-aggressive advice on this board. But then again, he chose the bitch to marry. I hope she's hot LOL
Wow. What a freakish level of hostility and projection. Are you an MIL by any chance? Or a dude with parents who have no boundaries?
Nope. Not a bitter dried-up hag with a DH dreaming about divorcing after the kids grow up either
Anonymous
01/29/2015 06:53
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Please put your foot down now or later you will be headed for a divorce.
Anonymous
01/28/2015 23:38
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Op, I think the hotel suggestion could be offensive to some people, maybe including your dh. But 4 nights every month is CRAZY. It is beyond rude of your inlaws to keep doing this, and your husband is totally in the wrong. I have informally set up that we will see out of town grandparents (both sides for us) about once a quarter. If that's not enough for dh, then say they can come to you once a quarter and he can go to them occasionally too (you don't have to go). 4 nights a month of houseguests would drive me crazy even if they offered to pay for the takeout--- I don't want to eat dinner with them 4 nights a month!
Anonymous
01/28/2015 22:18
Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Where is OP? She's disappeared