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[quote=Anonymous]Dear OP,

You say that you have challenges with the gift giving because it sends a message that materialism is acceptable (I'm paraphrasing) and you also note that you're trying to encourage a pacifist household.

That's fine.

I'm not sure if you realize that sending a message to your children (implicitly) that 'step' parents/grandparents are not the same as 'real' family members is also conveying a kind of value.

And for what it's worth (and I know you didn't ask and are just venting):  focusing as much as you are (and your MIL and others are) on team rivalries seems to capture, in a nutshell, an exceptionally high level of competitiveness in your household -- your own as well as your in-law's.  That theme (of competition) runs throughout your posts, and I'm sorry to say this, but you're competing, too -- for attention, on your mom's behalf, for your college team, for your name, for your cake.  Look, I get it.  I kept my name when I got married and still cringe when my inlaws or my own parents give me monograms with DH's name.  It's an irritant.  But it's not a competition.

Competitiveness can, of course, flourish healthily -- but it can also get toxic.....ALMOST as much as materialism and and ALMOST directly contrary to pacifism.

You've got a lot of irony going on, in other words, OP.  Some might call it hypocrisy.  I don't/won't -- but I'd encourage you to do some thinking about the messaging you're sending to your kids (whether consciously or not) -- ESPECIALLY around what it means to be a 'step.'  Your kids are going to be interacting with lots and lots of people who have blended families.  For them to grow up in a household where 'step' doesn't get to count in the same way as 'real' is going to send a powerful message.....

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