Anonymous
11/27/2014 00:49
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Dear OP,
You say that you have challenges with the gift giving because it sends a message that materialism is acceptable (I'm paraphrasing) and you also note that you're trying to encourage a pacifist household.
That's fine.
I'm not sure if you realize that sending a message to your children (implicitly) that 'step' parents/grandparents are not the same as 'real' family members is also conveying a kind of value.
And for what it's worth (and I know you didn't ask and are just venting): focusing as much as you are (and your MIL and others are) on team rivalries seems to capture, in a nutshell, an exceptionally high level of competitiveness in your household -- your own as well as your in-law's. That theme (of competition) runs throughout your posts, and I'm sorry to say this, but you're competing, too -- for attention, on your mom's behalf, for your college team, for your name, for your cake. Look, I get it. I kept my name when I got married and still cringe when my inlaws or my own parents give me monograms with DH's name. It's an irritant. But it's not a competition.
Competitiveness can, of course, flourish healthily -- but it can also get toxic.....ALMOST as much as materialism and and ALMOST directly contrary to pacifism.
You've got a lot of irony going on, in other words, OP. Some might call it hypocrisy. I don't/won't -- but I'd encourage you to do some thinking about the messaging you're sending to your kids (whether consciously or not) -- ESPECIALLY around what it means to be a 'step.' Your kids are going to be interacting with lots and lots of people who have blended families. For them to grow up in a household where 'step' doesn't get to count in the same way as 'real' is going to send a powerful message.....
You say that you have challenges with the gift giving because it sends a message that materialism is acceptable (I'm paraphrasing) and you also note that you're trying to encourage a pacifist household.
That's fine.
I'm not sure if you realize that sending a message to your children (implicitly) that 'step' parents/grandparents are not the same as 'real' family members is also conveying a kind of value.
And for what it's worth (and I know you didn't ask and are just venting): focusing as much as you are (and your MIL and others are) on team rivalries seems to capture, in a nutshell, an exceptionally high level of competitiveness in your household -- your own as well as your in-law's. That theme (of competition) runs throughout your posts, and I'm sorry to say this, but you're competing, too -- for attention, on your mom's behalf, for your college team, for your name, for your cake. Look, I get it. I kept my name when I got married and still cringe when my inlaws or my own parents give me monograms with DH's name. It's an irritant. But it's not a competition.
Competitiveness can, of course, flourish healthily -- but it can also get toxic.....ALMOST as much as materialism and and ALMOST directly contrary to pacifism.
You've got a lot of irony going on, in other words, OP. Some might call it hypocrisy. I don't/won't -- but I'd encourage you to do some thinking about the messaging you're sending to your kids (whether consciously or not) -- ESPECIALLY around what it means to be a 'step.' Your kids are going to be interacting with lots and lots of people who have blended families. For them to grow up in a household where 'step' doesn't get to count in the same way as 'real' is going to send a powerful message.....
Anonymous
11/27/2014 00:33
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:
Actually plastic is harmful. Phthalates are endocrine disruptors. Look it up.
Holy fuck people are neurotic. Amazing that we all survived our childhoods in the 70s and 80s.
Go inhale your shower curtain very deeply.
Anonymous
11/27/2014 00:25
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Oh stop with the wooden toy crap. All kids prefer plastic light up stuff. Just relax. It isn't going to harm your kids to get plastic toys from a grandparent. Spoiling kids is a time honored grandparent right. And your kid didn't get sick because of the excitement of that day. Good god. Get some perspective.
Actually plastic is harmful. Phthalates are endocrine disruptors. Look it up.
Holy fuck people are neurotic. Amazing that we all survived our childhoods in the 70s and 80s.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 23:18
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
I don't know about you, OP, but I am the planner in my relationship. I have been married for many years now and what I have learned is that if I don't plan it, it won't happen. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her 3 times a year. Why? Because I don't make plans for us to see her except on holidays. Every now and then my husband makes a big fuss over how "we" need to spend more time with his mother. I could make a fuss and stomp around and list out chapter and verse all the reasons why I have zero desire to spend more time with her. Instead, I smile and say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing. Soon enough, your weekends will be filled with kids activities so you won't have time to spend multiple days with them per month.
Just relax a little right now and ride through the holidays. After the first of the year, just stop making plans with them so often. If you see them every week, cut out one visit. Or, send your kids and your husband alone. This may seem counterintuitive, but let me tell you, if your husband doesn't enjoy wrangling two kids and dealing with sugar crashes and tantrums and all that goes into dealing with two kids, he will start to put his foot down.
Just relax a little right now and ride through the holidays. After the first of the year, just stop making plans with them so often. If you see them every week, cut out one visit. Or, send your kids and your husband alone. This may seem counterintuitive, but let me tell you, if your husband doesn't enjoy wrangling two kids and dealing with sugar crashes and tantrums and all that goes into dealing with two kids, he will start to put his foot down.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 20:45
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP already said she doesn't really care about sports so what's the fuss about your DH's school's cheer. WTF is your problem? Sounds like you can't stead you MIL and feel a rivalry with MIL. Let it go... You are the MOM. Let grandma be grandma.
Sigh. I just want people to act like decent human beings.
Which is probably exactly what people are saying about you. Be the bigger person here. Show some class. Don't be the baby insisting that everyone bow to your need for perfection. Let. It. Go.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 19:36
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:OP already said she doesn't really care about sports so what's the fuss about your DH's school's cheer. WTF is your problem? Sounds like you can't stead you MIL and feel a rivalry with MIL. Let it go... You are the MOM. Let grandma be grandma.
Sigh. I just want people to act like decent human beings.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 16:22
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:The thing is it's not just giving gifts to be nice. There's an ulterior motive going on. When what MIL is doing rubs people the wrong way, and she knows it, then she should tone it down. Some people are bothered by uptight people, and they want to do things to make them self destruct because it makes them feel good in a sick way.
Not OP. MIL has called us inflexible parents and then has tried to loosen us up as she saw fit. Um, no. You had your kids. You had a right to raise them as you saw fit. We're not asking you to agree with our choices but don't constantly try to sabotage them.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 16:22
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
OP already said she doesn't really care about sports so what's the fuss about your DH's school's cheer. WTF is your problem? Sounds like you can't stead you MIL and feel a rivalry with MIL. Let it go... You are the MOM. Let grandma be grandma.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 16:17
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:
I don't hate her with a passion or wish she was dead. I just don't understand why the team cheer has to be rubbed in my face every time. Does she do the team cheer around her friends every single time? I doubt it. I've never heard the FIL do the cheer. She cannot stand it if there isn't a celebration. The second one of the kids cries, they hit the road.
If you can't let go of your MIL and a "team cheer," if that's something that drives you this batty, I can't wait for you to have teenagers.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 16:12
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:If it makes you feel any better OP, someday your MIL will be dead and you'll get to control everything you want. That'll make everyone in your family much happier, right?
Sigh.
You sound exactly like my SIL (bro's wife), who hated my mother with a passion, which was odd because she was *truly* the only person on the planet who didn't like my mother. SIL stood in the way so often, raised such a stink, never smiled, never gave an inch ever, even though the kids absolutely adored their grandmother. And now my mother is dead, and it drives me nuts to think what a shrew SIL was to her in what turned out to be her final years. Mom probably gave an extra present or two beyond what SIL wanted, but Mom also would have done *anything* for those kids, and she could never ever understand why SIL was so mean.
So, take heart, someday you'll have the kids all to yourself again. Feel better now?
I don't hate her with a passion or wish she was dead. I just don't understand why the team cheer has to be rubbed in my face every time. Does she do the team cheer around her friends every single time? I doubt it. I've never heard the FIL do the cheer. She cannot stand it if there isn't a celebration. The second one of the kids cries, they hit the road.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 16:04
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:The thing is it's not just giving gifts to be nice. There's an ulterior motive going on. When what MIL is doing rubs people the wrong way, and she knows it, then she should tone it down. Some people are bothered by uptight people, and they want to do things to make them self destruct because it makes them feel good in a sick way.
Some people think this way because that is the way they are. Paranoid, uptight people can't believe the only "ulterior" motive is that grandma really loves her grandkids and is simply loving and spoiling them like grandparents are suppose to do.
What lucky grandkids!
- signed a mom whose own mother sees her kids every few yrs.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 15:53
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
The thing is it's not just giving gifts to be nice. There's an ulterior motive going on. When what MIL is doing rubs people the wrong way, and she knows it, then she should tone it down. Some people are bothered by uptight people, and they want to do things to make them self destruct because it makes them feel good in a sick way.
Anonymous
11/26/2014 15:47
Subject: MIL overdoes everything
If it makes you feel any better OP, someday your MIL will be dead and you'll get to control everything you want. That'll make everyone in your family much happier, right?
Sigh.
You sound exactly like my SIL (bro's wife), who hated my mother with a passion, which was odd because she was *truly* the only person on the planet who didn't like my mother. SIL stood in the way so often, raised such a stink, never smiled, never gave an inch ever, even though the kids absolutely adored their grandmother. And now my mother is dead, and it drives me nuts to think what a shrew SIL was to her in what turned out to be her final years. Mom probably gave an extra present or two beyond what SIL wanted, but Mom also would have done *anything* for those kids, and she could never ever understand why SIL was so mean.
So, take heart, someday you'll have the kids all to yourself again. Feel better now?
Sigh.
You sound exactly like my SIL (bro's wife), who hated my mother with a passion, which was odd because she was *truly* the only person on the planet who didn't like my mother. SIL stood in the way so often, raised such a stink, never smiled, never gave an inch ever, even though the kids absolutely adored their grandmother. And now my mother is dead, and it drives me nuts to think what a shrew SIL was to her in what turned out to be her final years. Mom probably gave an extra present or two beyond what SIL wanted, but Mom also would have done *anything* for those kids, and she could never ever understand why SIL was so mean.
So, take heart, someday you'll have the kids all to yourself again. Feel better now?
Anonymous
11/26/2014 15:45
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP can talk all she wants about "setting boundaries," but at the end of the day her kids still will want to distance themselves from her when they get older and will benefit if they have relationships with other adults besides Mom.
Buying someone a lot of crap doesn't give you a relationship with that person. You might impress them, you might encourage them to suck up to you, or you might get some one-time appreciation, but if you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to spend gtime with them--you don't have to buy them anything at all.
I agree, but the vibe OP is giving off is that she wants to be the great big filter for every interaction her kids have with others. Complaining about the type and volume of gifts is just one way to try and discredit the MIL. If it weren't that, it would be something else. People like the OP suck all the oxygen out of a room because they are so uptight.
I'll give you that OP probably has a bigger filter on gifts from MIL because of history between them. But is that unreasonable? Don't we all come to situations with family members with past interactions on the mind?
If a friend gave DC a gift I hated I would cringe a bit inside and let it stay. But if MIL did the same knowing how many times she has pushed through our boundaries and parenting rules I would naturally think "Here she goes again".
Anonymous
11/26/2014 15:25
Subject: Re:MIL overdoes everything
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP can talk all she wants about "setting boundaries," but at the end of the day her kids still will want to distance themselves from her when they get older and will benefit if they have relationships with other adults besides Mom.
Buying someone a lot of crap doesn't give you a relationship with that person. You might impress them, you might encourage them to suck up to you, or you might get some one-time appreciation, but if you want to have a relationship with someone, you need to spend gtime with them--you don't have to buy them anything at all.
I agree, but the vibe OP is giving off is that she wants to be the great big filter for every interaction her kids have with others. Complaining about the type and volume of gifts is just one way to try and discredit the MIL. If it weren't that, it would be something else. People like the OP suck all the oxygen out of a room because they are so uptight.