Reply to Husband still not working. What would you do?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Husband still not working. What would you do? "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, want to share my experience with you.  I hope it's helpful.  I know my situation was not exactly the same as yours, but maybe you find something in this.

My DH has several periods where he didn't earn a paycheck.  The longest being about 2 years.  His self-esteem really plummeted, and this led to him becoming less and less active in seeking employment.  I felt like you - I had supported my DH through his MBA (top 20 school) with the thinking that he would be at least a 50% contributor in terms of income to the marriage.  I actually secretly hoped that he would take over the primary breadwinner role so that I could have a "fun" (but not as high-paying) job or go part-time, even SAH.  I was resentful.

What happened to turn things around:

(1) I accepted my role as primary breadwinner.  I accepted the fact that I'm fortunate in being able to support my family on my paycheck and that like most people, I'm not destined for a "fun" job (or no paid job). I stopped "blaming" DH for the fact that I couldn't just quit my real-work kind of job for a fun one.

(2) DH and I brainstormed a plan for him.  There were no preconceived notions around this - ie, that he must earn X amount of money, or that he must get his money's worth for his MBA.  Instead, we did really broad thinking about things he enjoys/feels connections, the kind of environment he would like to work in, and then thought about what kind of role within that environment might fit.

(3) DH decided that he was interested in working in fundraising for a non-profit.  It didn't require an MBA, didn't pay an MBA salary (at least, not in the vast majority of positions), but the environment held appeal for him and it seemed like it would draw on his skills.  To find a job where he had no contacts, this is what he did:
- volunteer (yes, for free, while DD was in daycare) at more than one organization
- ask everyone he know for contacts in the area of nonprofits he was interested in - and actively network by making coffee appointments, etc. (yes, while DD was in daycare)
- follow up with the contacts of contacts

(4) It took 1.5 years of this, but then DH got his break.  A paid position fundraising for a non-profit.  That was 8 years ago, he still works in this field, has had several promotions/career moves in the meantime, and his self-esteem is back.  He earns less than what we "expected" from an MBA, but he is really happy and this field is a great fit for him.

I know that you are struggling with your DH's longer period of unemployment, anger/hostility issues (if anyone was throwing anything in my marriage when my DH was unemployed, it was me, out of frustration - my DH was cowed by the experience and would only nod his head to agree that he needed to find a job).  But I hope my story helps you to try to find a way to work things out.

From this point in my life, I can say I am very happy that we didn't give up on our marriage.  Also, I actually do not feel resentful in the slightest about my job.  I enjoy it and don't pine to SAH or for some other job.  I'm happy that DH enjoys his work and isn't working 70 hour weeks as a consultant, and that parenting obligations fall on us 50/50.
[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics