Reply to Can a narcissist ever stay married and be a good enough spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are several types of narcissism, and I think you can live with people who have the neurotic (shy) kind - the ones who are not grandiose, don't seek drama or attention but are really insecure and feel a serious lack of confidence. It's not typically recognized as narcissism, but it's officially a form of the diagnosis.

I know several people living with that kind, and they're usually not too hard to live with. They need lots of reassurances. 
[/quote]

Actually that is a true form of narcissism and much more dangerous to be in a relationship with than more obvious grandiose types. It’s called covert narcissism. And yes, from the outside they look meek or insecure or innocuous. On the inside it’s terrifying, because the second you take your foot of the gas of building them up and putting them on a pedestal and telling them they’re the best, they will turn on you.

Here’s a quick description:

“ A covert narcissist (also known as vulnerable narcissist) falls into a narcissistic personality disorder subtype that combines traits like self-centeredness and manipulative behavior with an introverted demeanor. Because covert narcissists seem so reserved or even modest, it can be easy to overlook their more problematic traits.”

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/personality-disorders/covert-narcissism[/quote] God. This x 1000000. When I confronted my mild-mannered, quiet husband about his affair, I could not have imagined the hell that he then unleashed. It was terrifying and absolutely rattled me until a psychiatric nurse, friend of a friend, heard my story and suggested I read about covert narcissism. Putting a name to the behavior and personality traits has been really helpful in trying to navigate this divorce.  As has therapy with someone who understands this kind of NPD. Once he was unmasked he decided he was out for blood. I'm still fielding questions from people who knew him who know how he has behaved since he initiated the divorce because they don't understand how such a "good guy" could have become so unhinged. I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation but he has strewn wreckage far and wide. All those years he was just sitting quietly in the corner, taking notes, seething. I ignored the red flags. That's on me. But in hindsight OMG they were there.[/quote]

If I’m in a situation that fits your description, as he sits back quietly, his rage and resentment ongoing and building, what can I expect in divorce with young kids.[/quote] You can expect the fight of your life to keep your kids/keep them in your life and a horrifically expensive divorce.  This type typically refuses to mediate. I am minorly grateful that my marriage didn't implode when the kids were young, as awful as it was. What you should do, IMO: start making a long term exit plan. Build your career. Squirrel money away. Get therapy from someone who understands what it is like to be married to a covert narcissist. I let my career slide. I also lost myself in alcohol in the final decade of my marriage which I don't advise either.  Educate yourself and work on building a foundation for yourself so you can leave him once your kids are older. But also understand that the decision to leave may not ultimately be yours and he could pull the rug from under you. It is truly THE worst personality type to divorce. They want vengeance and they don't care if the kids are pawns. He has alienated my adult kids from me which is incredibly painful but I have to ride this out. I'm not putting them in the middle and they don't live with either of us. Going through this with younger kids I think I may have only seen one way out, and I don't recommend that either. It's a living nightmare.[/quote]

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