Reply to MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a bipolar brother. It is very difficult as a family member. I would still never cut him off and I see him every holiday.

My MIL isn’t bipolar and still drives me nuts. She also gives us silent treatment and I would be glad not to ever see her.

You suck it up and let her see her grandchildren. This isn’t about you, OP. She is mentally ill.

My friend got divorced over her BP SIL. If my husband made me choose between him and my brother, I would choose my brother. Your poor DH having to deal with his mentally ill mother and non understanding unsympathetic wife.[/quote]
That’s not fair. I’ve been sympathetic and accommodating for twenty years up until this point. I realize that I have to interact with his mother, but I’m at my wits end. I’m tired, and frustrated, and honestly mad that she’s starting to pull the same thing on my children. No one is “keeping her” from her grandchildren, but if she chooses not to speak with us for months at a time, the natural consequence of that is that she won’t see her grandchildren.

I just wish I had the proper tools to deal with her when she acts this way.

—OP[/quote]

You do have the tools.  She can come sit and observe on holidays.  You can’t make her be warm Hallmark Grandma and that is fine.  [/quote]
I guess I’m just curious why we all engage in this facade? It’s fun for no one. DH is miserable, the kids are uncomfortable, and I’m just always left shrugging my shoulders. Why this dance of pretending, year after year?

—OP[/quote]

Pp with bipolar brother and MIL I can’t stand. Most recently, I have tried to see my family and MIL on days around holiday but not exact day. I can give my brother gifts or see MIL a week after. Both our families are not local so it is easier to do this.

MIL often upsets and says things to upset DH and BIlL. I don’t think anyone actually enjoys her company. It is family obligation.

For my bipolar brother, I’m all he’s got. When he is stable, he is great. When he isn’t, we try to stay calm and wait for him to stabilize. It is stressful for all. He is my brother and I love him.

I want to think my kids learn from us. They are watching us and know family is priority.[/quote]

It really depends on the severity of the disease, PP. My best friend has had to distance herself considerably from her sister with a cyclical mood disorder (not sure if it's bipolar or something else), because the outbursts were just too violent and she refuses to expose her child to that. Occasionally my friend goes to visit her sister by herself, always in a neutral location where she leave at any moment.

My late FIL had bipolar disorder that went untreated for many years, and was prone to anger outbursts that made family life difficult for his wife and kids. I only knew him when he was well medicated and never saw the anger, but did see his verbal diarrhea, depression and lethargy. His was taken care of by his family until the end, despite years of trauma, because I think he knew how to express love in between his bad phases, and the worst of it had happened decades before, so his wife and grown children understood that he had "improved" with time.

But the most important thing to remember is that you cannot ask someone else to bear the burden of connection with such a diseased mind. YOU can choose, for yourself, to remain in contact. Therefore, OP's husband can visit his mother if he wants, but he cannot force his wife to welcome her into the family home.

[/quote]

Pp here. DH is very understanding and sympathetic to my BIL. He knows my brother’s mood affects me greatly. If my brother is having an episode, I don’t bring my kids around him. My oldest is a teen and is a really mature and empathic kid. He actually tells ME to be more understanding of my brother and how he can’t help it when my brother upsets me.[/quote]

Meant sympathetic to my bipolar brother.

I am much less tolerant of my MIL. Both BIL (DH’s brother) and I are bothered by MIL. She knows how to upset us![/quote]

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