Reply to MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Been married nearly 20 years. My MIL has long-standing BPD-type behaviors, victim mentality, crying to manipulate, and a pattern of “discarding” my husband several times a year. DH has always had a distant, strained relationship with her, but he still tries to pretend things are “normal,” especially around holidays and birthdays.

This past summer, after one of their typical disagreements, she initiated no-contact with him, and by extension, with me and our kids. Then, right before our child’s birthday, she tried to come back and blamed us for not seeing the kids all summer. When that didn’t work, she cut us off again. That was my breaking point. You can’t repeatedly abandon your grandchildren and then complain that you didn’t get to see them.

Now she wants “in” again for Christmas. I’m done. I understand DH is conditioned to accept this cycle, but I’m not willing to let our kids be dragged into this cycle, or to think this is normal, or to tolerate the holiday tension and eggshell-walking anymore. If she chooses to disappear for months at a time, she doesn’t get to reappear at her convenience.

How do I talk to DH about this in a way that’s firm but fair? This is the third Christmas she’s pulled this. It’s also the second time she’s pulled this before one of our kids’ birthdays. I need to set a boundary, but I want to approach it constructively.[/quote]
You said she likes to be around for holidays and birthdays. You said your husband likes to play normal for holidays/birthdays. Why not see her then? Ignore any gaslighting; what difference does it make? If your husband likes to play normal (and this is his normal; it’s not really playing) at these times, why do you have to “set a boundary” or do anything? Tell your kids grandma is flaky, but she’s doing the best you can; they’ll figure things out on their own. I don’t get why you need to assert some sort of power over this. And your poor husband caught between the two of you; why can’t he just have the relationship he already had with his mom before you came along?[/quote]
As a daughter and mother, I refuse to agree that it’s normal to make a grand stand proclamation that you refuse to speak to your child for months at a time, 2-3 times a year. I simply can’t believe this is typical or healthy or normal!

—OP[/quote]
Obviously not typical, but you’re not going to get typical, right? When she makes a grand proclamation, just let her know that she’s welcome when she’s ready. You’ll know that this will likely be before a birthday/holiday. If she comes back and says it was your fault, you can ignore it or you could have some innocuous stock phrase, like “sorry you feel that way.” That’s it! Problem solved (I know you won’t actually do this, but you could simply do….nothing.)[/quote]
This sounds fair, honestly.

—OP[/quote]

I've stopped reading after this post, OP, because I can't believe all the stupid, non-supportive replies you are getting.  There are a lot of socially inept people out there.

I agree with the PPs advice.  The first critical thing here is whether your husband wants to see his mom or not.  What she is doing is EXTREMELY annoying, but potentially negotiable if you re-orient your thinking.  If he didn't want to see her but has never had the ability to say that to her, you could cut her off, problem solved.  But if he does, which it seems he does, you can only control your own reactions and try to insulate your kids from the nonsense.  As PP says, when she has her grand gesture of departure, just shrug.  And when she comes back, I would treat the drama with the same nonchalance.[/quote]

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