Reply to MIL cuts us off, then demands holiday access. Advice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think you need to do anything. A lot of kids don't see their grandparents consistently and only on major holidays. Your kids don't need to know all the details of every conversation and drama between your MIL and you / your DH. Keep it away from them and when you see grandma you see her. If she is as horrible as you say, I doubt the kids care that they don't see her more often.

See her around the holidays and ignore her the rest of the time (or be ignored by her the rest of the time).

Trying to turn this into a confrontation is only going to backfire on you.[/quote]
The only thing that bothers me is the awkward tension she brings. The kids definitely feel it and we all walk on eggshells. This is the thing I’m tired of and don’t really know how to navigate.

—OP[/quote]

Talk to them about it. You all stop walking on eggshells . . . she WANTS you to walk on eggshells. "If grammy gets grumpy, just avoid her and do your thing."

My mom's mother was like this (worse than you describe, honestly). We just learned to ignore it when around her. My dad was really good at not giving in to her drama, and she pretty much left him alone.[/quote]
I’m genuinely curious what that looks like; can you describe what interactions look like? My MIL will come, won’t speak to anyone, will sit in a corner chair and twirl the ends of her shirt, speak in hushed murmurs, etc. None of us knows what to do with that. I’d love to hear your experience. Nothing we do or say breaks her out of it, so we all just watch awkwardly.

—OP[/quote]

NP but if she did that I’d probably ignore her. Like id keep cooking Christmas Eve dinner and I’d keep helping the kids with a holiday craft. I’d occasionally say something like “we are decorating cookies in the dining room , MIL, if you want to join us!” and then ignore whatever it is she mumbles and keep decorating cookies. “We are heading out to walk the dog, just me and older DS, if you want to join us!” and then start putting coats and shoes on and go, with or without her. Like basically just pretend she is a goldfish that you tell what it is you’re about to do. If she tries to huff at the end of the day and say she feels unwelcome you can say “I invited you to decorate cookies, and to take a walk, and to help with lunch prep, and to come watch Elf in the family room with us, and you chose not to. Sorry you feel unwelcome though. See you tomorrow.”

I think it’s important to continue to invite/ offer while she is there, for your kids to see that, and also as a buffer for if the kids overhear her saying everyone ignores her and doesn’t like her or whatever. Because you can give objective examples that you’ve tried to include her. This will help your kids not feel bad when she says that and wonder if maybe they aren’t doing enough to make her feel welcome. And if your kids start to express that they feel bad or guilty then stop inviting her, put your foot down. Their mental health is more important[/quote]
My mother used to not get along with my dad’s family and would do this when I was a kid. She’d take my younger sibling and announce she was “going for a walk”. It was honestly so strange. Everyone knew why, and it felt so rude to me, even as a child. I don’t think this is the way to handle things, honestly. My mother should have just sent us with our dad. OP should just send her husband and no longer host. [/quote]

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