Reply to Would you allow your child to marry or date outside your culture or religion?

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[quote=Anonymous]I never thought it was a big deal and happily married a 1st gen man from immigrant parents. I thought most of our cultural values were actually the same, since I also had strict parents who valued saving money, education, etc.

I was so wrong. I'm in the process of getting a divorce which was instigated by my soon-to-be-former-DH. I think in hindsight I was accepted by his mom only because he didn't have other options and she was worried he would end up like his gay cousin or his autistic cousin, and she was relieved to have a win over her siblings.

What I didn't realize when I was dating him and in our marriage before kids was how much the expectations of his parents and culture informed his subconscious expectations for who I should be in our marriage and our family. DH and his family expected that once kids were involved, his role was to be a provider, and anything beyond that was my job, including supplementing our income with my own job. Only gradually did I hear little anecdotes here and there about his childhood, his parents' relationship, his dad's role, and observe his extended family interactions to see how these expectations were destroying our marriage.

Even though DH rejected many aspects of his upbringing when it was convenient, he fell comfortably into other patterns instilled by his family background, culture, and his gender role within that. He truly believes that a male adult should go to work and do whatever else he wants, and his perspective on childrearing is that a mom should do absolutely everything for her children so they can focus solely on school and their future career. He was angry at me for teaching the children how to clear a plate, prep a small meal, fold clothing out of the dryer, etc, and angry that I expected him to contribute to family and household life after he came home from work.

Dating in HS is one thing. But no matter how evolved you think a future partner might be and no matter how assimilated their family might be, you could always be fighting against cultural forces that could remain invisible to you until it's too late. I am so grateful for my children but regret my relationship and always will, but I regret marrying into a family that will never forgive me for not being a Good Chinese Girl.

My children are mixed race and straddle two different cultures so I'm not sure how I'll advise them because they're caught between generations and cultures and races. The irony is that as a white person I am the one managing their heritage language classes, cultural holidays, and cultural association participation, and I still am. [/quote]

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