Reply to College Parent Pages/ Helicopter Parenting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS.  They were independent.  HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions.  Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off.  fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.[/quote]
that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed.  I'm glad I can be there for my kids.  That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.[/quote]

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked.  As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc.  Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes [/quote]
eh.. I raised both my kids the same way, but the younger one is less mature than the older at the same age.  We have to stay on top of them more because of how scattered they are.  They also have some mental health issues -- some anxiety and depression.   We tell them to check their grades/assignments all the time (HSer) but we also verify every so often and get on them to raise their grades if we see them sliding. They just don't care about their grades as much. Too "in the moment" unlike my older kid who was a straight A student all throughout their schooling including as a senior in college. I never had to check their grades, ever. They care more about their grades than I do.  But, I did have to get on them during college apps time.

These kids have to do a lot more than I ever did in HS or college.  So, I don't blame kids now a days for being more anxious and having more mental health issues.
That said, it's even more important for parents to teach them to navigate their own issues when they are older, but also be their support system.[/quote]

Same. Oldest was always mature beyond years and figured it all out young. Thriving at an Ivy. Youngest has anxiety/depression and needs more guidance. We always joke if we had stopped at one kid we’d be insufferable thinking we knew it all. I’d like to think we made some impact, but they also are who they are. [/quote]
PP here.. oh yes, I was pretty smug with DC #1, and when DC#2 was too young for us to realize that they were not going to be mature enough in HS to manage on their own like DC#1 did.  They also ended up having a bit of a LD in addition to the mental health issues.  I was humbled. Their SN is not that bad compare to some others. I used to think SN parents just needed to be more on top of their kids, but after going through some rough times with my DC, it's a lot easier said than done.[/quote]

Parents of less than 3 kids or parents with 2 kids that are similar tend to have less humility about how much their presense and molding matters[/quote]

I have a friend who is 1 of 8, by far the most successful, and he's the youngest who has a big age gap to the 3rd youngest.

So apparently he benefited from having the most attention as the baby. [/quote]

Well yes, he had up to 9 parents helping him
[/quote]

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