Reply to Broken Marriage, Different Places on Where to Go

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants. [/quote]

OP again. Your last paragraph is exactly where we're stuck. We've had that discussion a million times. But how do you deal with someone that won't accept that and doesn't want a divorce?[/quote]

I am the PP that you're responding to. The thing is that she has the right to want what she wants, just like you do. A lot of people (maybe even most) wouldn't accept what you want. If someone wants affection in their marriage it's a very natural and typical want. You sound stuck in resentment. You cannot "deal" with her wanting what she wants. She is not furniture, she is human, it's human to have wants.  You are in control of you and what comes through in your messages is a lot of resentment (which you didn't explain). You need to deal with that. The arrangement you want is not possible without taking your resentment from the equation.  You need to be at peace with yourself and those around you. I am not saying this from some sort of a hippie love all type of place. Your home ecosystem will not be stable as long as there is resentment.

Go to therapy, revise your meds with your dr., find a support group, do everything you can to make you feel OK. And then be open to the idea that you're over demonizing her so you don't have to feel guilty about how bad you've treated her in whatever happened in the past. It's a common self-defense mechanism that doesn't work for anyone long term.[/quote]

OP here. I think this is probably largely accurate. But we've gone down the road of meds, couples therapy, and individual therapy, and this is still where it led. I don't see a way to work through the resentment except through strict compartmentalization.[/quote]

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