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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family. [/quote]

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

[b]My dh works 60-80 hours a week. [/b]I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot. [/quote]

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work. [/quote]

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80.  I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much.  It's not tenable.[/quote]

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully. [/quote]

PP you're quoting - that's good.  I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older.  Is your DH scaling back an option?  Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)?  As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids.  Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too.  In any case, hang in there.[/quote]

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

[b]It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc. [/b][/quote]

This is obviously proportional to the number of kids you have, which is a choice you made, fully knowing what it was like to have 1 or 2 kids, and knowing how much you and your spouse work. It is what it is now. [/quote]

Op here - I agree with this to an extent but I also think that parents are expected to do a lot more now than when we were kids. The schools expect the parents to do a lot more regarding homework, teaching them to read, volunteering, etc. [/quote]

Yes and no. I think often the pressure people perceive as being from "the school" is actually coming from other parents. Like it's telling to me that you think parents are expected to teach their kids to read. Because my kids' (public, not even very highly rated) elementary school definitely taught them to read. We have always been very diligent about reading to kids every night, but that's also something I enjoy and really value so even though the school also recommends it, we'd do it anyway.

But I've heard other parents say this, that the schools expect you to teach your kids to read. I think actually what happens is that some kids learn to read early, and parents get competitive, and then they think they have to teach their kids to read before the school actually does it. But schools teach kids to read in K and 1st. And especially now that the dumb Lucy Caulkins stuff has been outed as ineffective, most schools are actually teaching phonics and doing it properly. If your oldest is 8, you'll benefit from this.

Same with volunteering. I volunteer at our school but within reason. I usually make it a point to volunteer at one big event in the fall and spring (and purposefully take jobs that are not "fun" so I feel like I've really pitched in). Then we donate money during the fundraising drive, and we'll check with the teacher to see if there is anything we need to contribute to the classroom. But this really isn't that much. And once your kids are at the same elementary, it's really not that much (and there is WAY less volunteering at the MS and HS level).

There are parents who do a lot more than this though. They volunteer at every single event, they are on the PTO board, they volunteer as class parents, they show up on random days to help in the school office or help with school activities that staff would normally handle. My feeling is: good for them, they must have the time and energy for that. But the fact that some parents do that does NOT mean that is the standard contribution. If everyone volunteered as much as I do, they'd have more volunteers than they know what to do with. So I'm doing my fair share. A lot of people do nothing, a handful of people do a lot more, it's fine and I don't think the school resents me and if they do, oh well. You can't please everyone.[/quote]

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