Anonymous wrote:First of all, PPs, introvert and low energy are absolutely different. MIL is both, which means older kid (singular) raised younger kids (plural), and there are many issues to talk about in therapy, IF they would only attend (and admit that they need it).

My own mom positively did it all - great for her, not so great for me - work 9-5 FT (literally walked to an office job, in heels), plus gym for 2 hours five days per week, plus a super clean house, plus kids fed well (not just fed, but fed fresh foods - mostly home grown by dad) and attended to (ie: mom also knew seemingly everyone in the entire affluent town, so no getting away with anything, ever. Plus, was also related to many in town, or friends so close they were well known and connected and called family - deliberately, not randomly).

We always had friends over. Not prearranged groups, but 1:1 friends. My siblings and I joked that we hated the weekly grocery run with mom, because she knew everyone, they would stop her, and it would triple the time in the store. She was not a gossip, always something nice to say, usually about the kids. It was pleasant.

Our family was not perfect, but we were - we exist, and do so with passion and warmth. You get what you get.

So, while mom was a high energy extrovert, and MIL was a low energy introvert, the latter can really judge you harshly, like it or not, while the former is too busy to judge.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to find a happy medium....while being judged.....

Ladies, we need to support each other better. Life is not a p&ssing contest, but a jog. Like it or not, we are all running a very similar race. Surprise! No one wins!

*but we were loving and warm (not at each other, like DH's family)

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

This is obviously proportional to the number of kids you have, which is a choice you made, fully knowing what it was like to have 1 or 2 kids, and knowing how much you and your spouse work. It is what it is now.

Op here - I agree with this to an extent but I also think that parents are expected to do a lot more now than when we were kids. The schools expect the parents to do a lot more regarding homework, teaching them to read, volunteering, etc.

Where are your kids in school? Homework at their ages? Also, there must be around, what, 20 kids in each of your kids' classes? Let those parents volunteer. Send in paper plates once a year or something. Seriously. I've been a room mom and I've done nothing, depending on what else was going on in my life. I didn't see any difference in my kids' experiences.

This is a really important point that people need to understand. You do not have to spend 20 years volunteering 20 hours a week at your kids schools. You can do more at some times and less at others. Last year my family had some personal stuff we had to deal with (an injury that had to be rehabbed and a death in the family) and I did not volunteer at my kids' school at all. Wait, I might have done something for a bake sale in September before stuff got crazy but nothing after that. No PTA meetings, no volunteering, didn't send in extra pencils to the classroom when the teacher asked people to donate. I made sure if a kid needed something specific, to be provide it or be there so my kids didn't individually suffer. But otherwise I was a "freeloader" and did nothing even though I knew other parents were doing a lot. Sometimes I felt guilty but the truth was I was not capable of more. I was barely muddling through at work and my own mental well being was in the toilet.

This year things are way better and I've done a bunch of volunteering. One of the other parents noted it to me recently at an even we were both working. They said something like "you've been so great this year, it's nice you found ways to contribute." I don't think they meant it snidely, I think they genuinely thought it was like a progression, like I moved from uninvolved to involved along a continuum as I learned ho it was "supposed" to work. I stopped her and corrected her. "I contribute what I can. Last year we were dealing with a lot of issues in our family and there was no bandwidth. If that happens again next year, you won't see me. This year things are going great and I have bandwidth that I'm happy to contribute."

We need to stop seeing school volunteering as binary, where "good" parents volunteer all the time and "bad parents don't. People should give what they can. You don't know what is going on in someone else's home. If you feel good about what you are doing in terms of volunteering, you don't need to speculate or judge others for doing more or less. Assuming people are well-intentioned and trying their best. Most people are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

It sounds like you are doing too much, and not doing it efficiently.

1. Why are you making everyone's lunch? Can two of your kids eat lunch provided by the school?

2. Are you buying fruit at Costco? I have two teens, so we also run through fruit quickly, but we go once a week and buy several pounds all at once.

3. Why are you doing laundry daily?? Do you not have enough clothes? We get kids clothes for free on our neighborhood buy nothing.

4. Are you combining doctors/dentist visits? I schedule my kids' visits together so they both see the dentist one day, and both see the doctor another day. So it's one day/year for regular checkups, 2 days/year for dentist.

5. For sick visits, we use a nurse practitioner who makes house calls. That way one of us can telework while at home and get the sick visit done with minimal disruption.

6. Sports -- we either minimize the number of sports, or set up carpools with neighbors so we aren't going to every game.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

This is obviously proportional to the number of kids you have, which is a choice you made, fully knowing what it was like to have 1 or 2 kids, and knowing how much you and your spouse work. It is what it is now.

Op here - I agree with this to an extent but I also think that parents are expected to do a lot more now than when we were kids. The schools expect the parents to do a lot more regarding homework, teaching them to read, volunteering, etc.

Where are your kids in school? Homework at their ages? Also, there must be around, what, 20 kids in each of your kids' classes? Let those parents volunteer. Send in paper plates once a year or something. Seriously. I've been a room mom and I've done nothing, depending on what else was going on in my life. I didn't see any difference in my kids' experiences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

I am VERY picky when it comes to certain brands (i.e. I only have one kind of crushed tomatoes I like to use for my marinara), but (1) being this controlling about groceries to the point that you're not using delivery isn't smart, (2) things have gotten better since COVID (it's not perfect, but better), and (3) you can prioritize a quick trip or order in bulk some things you really care about.

Also, there is no need to be going to the store for fresh fruit more than once a week. Maybe you need to upgrade your refrigerator or change how you store your food, but we have no problem keeping fruit fresh for an entire week. If your kids eat two pounds of blueberries on day one, then they can enjoy apples and bananas the rest of the week.

Honestly it almost sounds like you're purposefully making certain things harder for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

Wait, you said your oldest is 8? How much homework could your kids possibly have?! I have nine-year-old twins, and they're in private school, so maybe it's different, but they have had "homework" of some sort since 1st but it was basically just reading. Have them fill out the logs themselves! If they don't, then they don't get credit. They should figure out that out pretty young.

My kids both do a sport they started at 5 that is pretty time-intensive but that's the only sport they do so we commit to it. What are your kids doing at those young ages that are that important? Maybe scale back some there... You chose to have three kids (unless they're triplets or you have a set of surprise twins as the second two), so that means either you have a stay at home parent, more help like a nanny, or they don't do as much stuff.

I don't understand why anyone who isn't rich (i.e. can pay for a nanny/help or can be a SAHM) would have three kids (unless accidental).

I got really sick a while ago. I quit working, the kids quit their extracurriculars, outsourced a lot of dinner and cleaning, and DH did laundry, got the kids off to school, and maintenance cleaning. My parenting efforts were mostly spent chatting with the kids and helping them with school.

It was not a fun time but I feel like I was a pretty good mom considering the circumstances. Even if I never got better the kids would still have gotten their needs met and had a good childhood.

If you are low energy and want kids, have only one kid and have an involved co-parent. That's really the only solution that works.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

This is obviously proportional to the number of kids you have, which is a choice you made, fully knowing what it was like to have 1 or 2 kids, and knowing how much you and your spouse work. It is what it is now.

Op here - I agree with this to an extent but I also think that parents are expected to do a lot more now than when we were kids. The schools expect the parents to do a lot more regarding homework, teaching them to read, volunteering, etc.

Yes and no. I think often the pressure people perceive as being from "the school" is actually coming from other parents. Like it's telling to me that you think parents are expected to teach their kids to read. Because my kids' (public, not even very highly rated) elementary school definitely taught them to read. We have always been very diligent about reading to kids every night, but that's also something I enjoy and really value so even though the school also recommends it, we'd do it anyway.

But I've heard other parents say this, that the schools expect you to teach your kids to read. I think actually what happens is that some kids learn to read early, and parents get competitive, and then they think they have to teach their kids to read before the school actually does it. But schools teach kids to read in K and 1st. And especially now that the dumb Lucy Caulkins stuff has been outed as ineffective, most schools are actually teaching phonics and doing it properly. If your oldest is 8, you'll benefit from this.

Same with volunteering. I volunteer at our school but within reason. I usually make it a point to volunteer at one big event in the fall and spring (and purposefully take jobs that are not "fun" so I feel like I've really pitched in). Then we donate money during the fundraising drive, and we'll check with the teacher to see if there is anything we need to contribute to the classroom. But this really isn't that much. And once your kids are at the same elementary, it's really not that much (and there is WAY less volunteering at the MS and HS level).

There are parents who do a lot more than this though. They volunteer at every single event, they are on the PTO board, they volunteer as class parents, they show up on random days to help in the school office or help with school activities that staff would normally handle. My feeling is: good for them, they must have the time and energy for that. But the fact that some parents do that does NOT mean that is the standard contribution. If everyone volunteered as much as I do, they'd have more volunteers than they know what to do with. So I'm doing my fair share. A lot of people do nothing, a handful of people do a lot more, it's fine and I don't think the school resents me and if they do, oh well. You can't please everyone.

OP, Hello Fresh or another meal kit service might help. I order every week and it helps, even if I make extra stuff on the sides for pickiness. That way, you don't wind up with random substitutions. This makes grocery runs quicker and more utilitarian.

I do think it's necessary to limit activities with 3. But you know what? That's perfectly fine.

Having your spouse work 60-80 hours per week sounds unbelievably challenging. My spouse and I work 35 hours per week each. And we find that hard! I can't imagine having my partner work that many hours. I'm angry on your behalf.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a high energy person- up by 6am everyday ready to go, work out, hobbies are all physically active, I love getting stuff accomplished and trying to new things.

That being said, damn my kids are just next level. They're 6 and 3 now. 6yo was just diagnosed with ADHD so we are in the early stages of that. 3yo just dropped her nap and bounces off the walls despite a million opportunities for burning energy. I love it but man it's exhausting

Go go go adults breed go go go kids. Most of my friends who have a kid with ADHD also have a parent (or two) with it as well.

I don't agree that go go go parents breed the same kind of kids. I've seen parents who do everything and the kid is lazy because the parent does everything for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

PP you're quoting - if it's the mental energy stuff, find ways to cut back. Kids eight and under shouldn't have homework anyway - or, none that requires much managing. Sports/activities need to be cut back with three kids. Or, recognize the trade-offs being made: you'll be exhausted all the time. For me, that's not worth it, but people are different.

As for laundry, why does it need to be done daily? If your kids (and you) have enough clothes for, say, 10 days, once a week laundry is fine. For groceries, can you do a large monthly shop for non-perishables and then once a week for perishables? Buy more fruit or change to fruit that doesn't go bad quickly or cut back their fruit consumption. My kids love fruit, too, but they don't need fresh raspberries daily, much as they might want them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have three kids and work full-time, so what do you/did you do for childcare? We had twins so we got a nanny (two infants in daycare was only slightly less expensive and way more work). That's how we managed until second grade. At that point our nanny moved and we decided to go without one since we were both working from home (as a result of COVID but we were lucky enough to make it stick) and our school has a bus.

6:30 is the latest I can get up in the morning, so I'm surprised you state it like you wake up really early...what do you do in the morning? Maybe your kids are older so they all get themselves ready and off to school? Ours are in fourth so they can get themselves ready but we all have breakfast together before they get on the bus.

I'm also surprised about your classification as things like laundry as the mental load. Does laundry really take up that much mental energy? Assuming your kids are going to bed at 9 pm, at least some of them are old enough to do their own laundry, right? And groceries - use a delivery service and rotate through meals so you're buying a pretty set list of things every week. Also, make your kids pick some meals and/or have them make one a week. Again, I'm assuming they're old enough for this.

I guess I just assume if you have three kids you're relatively well off, so why don't you hire cleaners since you mentioned cleaning as something on your mental load? Also doctor's appointments - do you have a special needs child? My kids have their annual appointment plus two dentist appointments but I've never felt overwhelmed by doctor's appointments except for when someone has a broken bone or something requiring follow up, but even then it was weeks between appointments. Obviously if you have a child with special needs that is completely different.

As for how I do it - I purposefully didn't have three kids (although again, ours are twins so understand how you could be going for two but end up with three), my husband is an equal partner in everything with the children, pets, and house, and we pay to outsource things like cleaning, yard work, etc. in order to prioritize spending time together with our family.

Op here - to answer some of your questions my kids are all still young. 8 years old and younger. So the 8 year old can help with some things but can’t do a lot by herself.

We didn’t have a nanny - all the kids were in some sort of daycare. At one point I had 3 drop offs and 2 pick ups.

I wake up at 6:30 and have an hour to get myself ready and make breakfast and lunches. Kids wake up at 7:30 and we are out the door by 8:20 for school.

I do laundry every day of the week. I grocery shop 2 times a week since we run out of fruit quickly. My kids are not old enough to make a meal a week yet. Oldest can’t stir a pot on a stove without burning herself.

Regarding doctors - I have 3 kids so that means 3 regular check ups, 3 dentist appointments, 3 eye appointments each year for a total of 9 appointments and that doesn’t include the sick visits, broken bones, specialists when needed. I would guess I was at the doctor 20 times this past year and that doesn’t include my own doctor appointments.

My dh works 60-80 hours a week. I outsource yard work and house cleaning. I do everything else myself. When dh isn’t working he helps - driving kids to sports, doing things around the house, walking the dog. But it’s still a lot.

This is your obvious issue. My DH does too, but I don't work.

+1

I also have three kids and DH and I work FT - but that's 40 hours/week each, not 60-80. I wouldn't work if my spouse worked that much. It's not tenable.

Op here - agree this is probably why I am so exhausted. I work a normal 40 hour week and work from home 90% of the time thankfully.

PP you're quoting - that's good. I feel for you, absolutely - mine are a little older now (12, 10, 8) but three kids is no joke, even when they're older. Is your DH scaling back an option? Or are there other things you can throw money at (grocery delivery, laundry service)? As you well know, laundry and groceries take up a lot of time when you have three kids. Because being exhausted for years on end is hard, to say the least, and older kids need support, too. In any case, hang in there.

Op here - I don’t know how to do laundry help. I have a friend who has laundry help but it’s only once a week. So their clothes pile up for a week then the laundry help does them all and folds them. That wouldn’t work well for me because I do laundry daily.

Grocery help is also difficult - I tried to do delivery but things got replaced with stuff I didn’t like all the time so I quit.

I am all for outsourcing things that I can. We spend a stupid amount on landscaping because I don’t have time to do things like weed the beds. I also have a biweekly cleaner.

It’s more the mental energy of keeping on top of everything. Kids homework, reading logs, sports practices, doctor appointments, etc.

This is obviously proportional to the number of kids you have, which is a choice you made, fully knowing what it was like to have 1 or 2 kids, and knowing how much you and your spouse work. It is what it is now.

Op here - I agree with this to an extent but I also think that parents are expected to do a lot more now than when we were kids. The schools expect the parents to do a lot more regarding homework, teaching them to read, volunteering, etc.

Are you in a private school? Most public schools no longer give homework other than reading at home for 20 minutes a day. You certainly aren't expected to teach them to read or volunteer. Sounds like you are putting it all on yourself. If you are one of those moms that adds Elf on the Shelf and Leprechaun antics to the mix, that's on you too. You also don't need to bake Christmas cookies or have every room in the house decorated either. You are doing too much.

Do you have to do laundry everyday. With kids that young, unless they soiled themselves they can wear the same clothes 2 or even 3 times.

I would look her dead in the eye