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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again - my husband says it's normal when I try to bring up getting some professional help.  [/quote]

maybe you should try your father's style of parenting since it produced angels like your brother and yourself who never yelled or broke any rules and are very peaceful/peace loving?  Maybe this kind of authoritative, firm style with military precision and concrete rules will get your kids to behave b/c they will have firm boundaries and consequences for their poor choices?  Your dad didnt get 'professional' help- he was just firm and didnt pout up with any bs and you said you guys were angels- maybe you didnt like it at the time but you like what it produced eventually and parenting is a long game- what matters is what kind of adult your kids grow up to be. [/quote]

My husband, says that with our one child  who is like his sibling who ran away from home, we have to walk a very careful line between setting limits and being too controlling. Because if you are too strict, they will rebel and turn away.

MY sibling, agrees with you and thinks we should be much more strict, put some real fear in them, and hit them once in a while, because we all turned out pretty well.  I disagree. Like I said, I have ptsd, and have required so much of therapy to undo some of the damage and get to a place where I could forgive my parents. I either chose crappy partners, or in the case of my husband, someone who is extremely challenging and with whole  likely try to relive the trauma of my childhood.

I’m also an underachiever in many ways. I feel limited because I get overwhelmed and stresses so easily and so terrified of failure. I was gifted in all areas also, but just struggled hard to keep up and chose a creative profession that didn’t use any of my other abilities.

My husband and his siblings on the other hand have gone on to ivies and have all achieved doctorates or professional degrees.  In the surface, extremely successful. But you’d never know all of their extreme struggles, including  dropping out of college and their disastrous marriages. [/quote]

I thought PP was being sarcastic about trying your father's style of parenting.

To your husband's point about carefully setting limits, think about the limits you sent.  Are they arbitrary?  Are consequences natural?  Think about why you set specific limits.  Explain those to your child.  Clean up your dishes so the family (including the child) isn't living in a mess.  Explain and have natural consequences.  You hurt your brother you can't play with your friend because you can't trust your child to be safe around other kids.  They stay on screens after the timer goes off, they can't do screens until you have time to sit with them to be sure the screen is turned off when their time is up.  That kind of thing.  One idea I haven't tried, but makes sense, is to collaborate with the kids on what chores need to be done and what expectations there are when at home.  You can still add in your own expectations and chores as parents.  [/quote]

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