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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you might be most helped by a therapist who specializes in trauma and family systems.

You have kind of recreated the past dynamics with your DH and kids as your dad.

Your DH raging and you cutting off connection to them to cope are both really scary for kids. The only one you can control is you. Find someone who does EMDR and see if that helps. It may be that medication can help make you less reactive while you do a DBT program, it is very helpful re: complex trauma.

Once you can manage your nervous system you can start helping the kids. They can't be responsible for you being so flooded/triggered that you lock yourself in your room, they are kids. They are not learning tools or healthy ways to manage their feelings because neither your nor DH know those things. Can't teach what you don't know. Start there. EMDR, DBT, meds for you to help modulate reactivity as a bridge as needed, even beta blockers.

I once was you and was very focused on everyone else. I thought if they did not trigger me so much all would be better. No progress was made until I started on the one I have control over, me. Once I started to get some traction re: regulation I started to see more possibilities rather than just being reactive. Sending worked up kids to isolation may help you but they are not learning the tools to manage feelings or relationships, rather than having strong feelings may lead to abandonment. They perceive DH as engaging.  Remember the old saying it is better to be abused than neglected? Obv, neither is good but negative attention is better than a parent locked in a room to escape them to a child. [/quote]

This is helpful. What would you do/ how would you respond to 10 year old lashing out in rage, hitting a sibling, or yelling at a parent?[/quote]

You need to learn the warning signs so you can intervene before your 10 year old is in a rage.  While you learn that, you calmly and immediately remove the sibling who is getting hurt so they are no longer being hurt.  You calmly tell the 10 year old to go somewhere and calm down.  If they won't go, you and the rest of the family go somewhere else while they calm down.  When your child has calmed down, listen to them explain why they were upset.  Ask them what they wanted/needed.  What other choices could have achieved their goal.  Reiterate family expectations.  Ask your child what appropriate things they could do the next time they start to feel upset.  You might be surprised by their suggestions.  You can offer strategies too, but also ask for their ideas.  They need to learn how to regulate their emotions.  With a father who regularly yells at them they haven't learned those skills at home.   [/quote]

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