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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry OP, sounds like a really tough situation.  I think genetics and mental illness are important, but I also think some parent/child relationships can be extra difficult because of vastly different temperaments and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with your kids.  If you feel stuck and the counseling options are just too much of an uphill battle, perhaps you should consider private school/boarding school for your kids.  Get them out of the household where it's not working for them and see if a new environment would help.  They need role models and mentors who are not like your DH but can/know how to deal with personalities like theirs.  Perhaps surrounding them with people who are better equipped to handle them is easier than trying to change you and your DH. [/quote]

I honestly feel that if we did that, they would never forgive us. They won’t even let us send them to camp. They hate school and camp and activities. I have eventually forced them to do some things but it’s been painful baby steps.

I think they feel like they have to be on their best behavior and just despise being told what to do and when to do it and being on someone else’s schedule. They are perfect students. Only comments are things like daydreaming, not participating, or with one of our kids, being distracted and disorganized.

Our one child hates all teachers with a passion. And yet gets the highest grades. They begged me to homeschool them but that would have broke me.[/quote]

I posted earlier that my child has anxiety so I may be projecting.  However, a lot of what you wrote here is similar to what I've experienced, including begging me to homeschool them even when teachers report they are quite and happy and easy going in school.  The truth is that my child is a quietly anxious kid.  They're afraid of getting in trouble at school.  They're trying to figure out what is expected of them socially and academically and meet everyone's expectations.  They are emotionally EXHAUSTED when they come home, though usually have plenty of energy to run around for free play.  They would rather be home where they feel safe, where things are familiar.  Getting them to their activities was a struggle for a very long time even though they had fun 90% of the time, even though we would talk after about how it was fun and maybe next week remember that basketball (or whatever) is fun and skip the tantrum.  When my child was very young I coached or was the assistant coach many seasons so my kid would participate, and so I could have better eyes on what was going on with my child.  I didn't know then they had anxiety.  That sort of thing was NOT in my wheel house which made it all the more draining to be stretching so far out of my comfort zone on top of the tantrums on the way to activities every.single.time.  The longer we did the activities and the more familiar they were, the less opposition there was.  The anxiety diagnosis was a huge game changer.  What looked like opposition and defiance to me (refusing to get shoes on to go to a fun activity they would enjoy once we got there), was anxiety, fear, stress.

For a long time I felt my child simply didn't want to be told what to do.  It sounds like you feel the same, but think about their school day.  They're being told what to do all.day.long.  It's a lot!  One thing that has helped me a lot is giving my child 5 minute warnings before we transition to another activity.  Such a simple thing but a huge game changer.  Also, writing down routines they can check off.  We have a morning routine, coming home from school routine, bedtime routine.[/quote]

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