Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we have two sets of long distance grandparents and it’s unfair to me, I also work full time, to be expected to manage the logistics of both sets. He would never ever manage getting my parents birthday cards/presents and I don’t have the capacity to do so for his and mine. Just one example. If either he or I need specific help with something for our side of grandparents, we would of course ask the other, but just expecting me to arrange to get your parents to and from the import when I already have to do that for mine is too much burden on me.

I already do 99% of kid logistics and I’m barely holding it together.

Why did you marry such a dolt?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Women are better at this stuff. We just are. Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for these responses. I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful.

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.

Anonymous wrote:So you expect your husband to negotiate plans and tell your family when you will and will not visit. And your husband also plans food to make and gifts to buy for your family while you just sit back and chill? .

Anonymous wrote:This has been taken to an extreme in my husband's family. Believe it or not I don't even have my MIL's cell number. All communication goes through my husband at her choice.
I texted SIL inviting her to our son's birthday and got no response. The night before she texted my husband and asked if she should bring a dish. His response: "How should I know? Ask J, she's the one planning the party." She didn't ask.
It isn't even that they dislike me, it's just extreme insularity. They are very quiet/cold people and don't socialize outside the family...and I guess I'll never be family.