Reply to Husband cheated with high school sweetheart

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Husband cheated with high school sweetheart"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, there is a lot in this thread about telling the other woman or not.  For me, that raises the bigger issue of how much to say about the infidelity and to whom.

I am 15 years out from serial infidelity. Now exDH was not forthcoming when confronted about it and lied extensively to manipulate me into staying.  I can say firmly that, in retrospect, keeping his behavior secret was harmful to ME and the KIDS.  It isolated me. It made me feel like I was living a fake, inauthentic life. It cut me off from friendships because people didn’t know the real me. People didn’t understand the deep degree of trauma I was going through in my life and so the decisions I was making didn’t seem to make sense from the outside. It kept me in contact with my abuser (and, yes, infidelity is a deep form of emotional abuse), which only traumatized me further.

I did tell one or two friends I thought would be supportive and I told my family, who were all supportive. But, I should have told my ex-husband’s family about the reasons for the end of the marriage. I should have also told a much wider circle of friends and mutual colleagues.  And, eventually, my kids should have known - it has been deeply corrosive for them to grow up in a divorce where a false front is put on. They do not understand their Dad’s behavior nor mine at times because they do not understand the context and they draw incorrect conclusions on the basis of lack of information.  And, as is natural for kids, they draw conclusions that wrongly blame themselves for his lack of affection when it is really a character flaw unto himself.

IME, I should have also not caved to societal pressure to try to keep the marriage intact. IME, the marriage you had is dead upon the discovery of infidelity and there is really no rebuilding unless you are in the very rare circumstance that your DH has immediately confessed on his own and willingly entered therapy to address his issues and make amends.  It is impossible to rebuild a healthy marriage on a foundation of lies with a person who lacks the capacity for self-examination, self-regulation, and open communication, negotiation and honesty.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics