I don’t think the OW is married. She’s scorned and told OP to hurt her husband. I just don’t believe a married woman with children would risk hurting them. If she is married, don’t tell her husband. It’s not OPs responsibility. If OW has kids, you’d be a truly crappy person to willfully change the trajectory of innocent kid’s lives. Pay attention to our country right now. OWs husband could seek his own revenge on OPs husband. Deal with your issues without dragging the innocent into it.

Anonymous wrote:The only people advising not telling the AP’s husband are cheaters.

+100.

This was my first thought as well. Wjy wouldn’t you want to know? OW did her a favor by telling her.

It’s the strangest thing when posters say the OW is nasty for revealing this information, and I’m thinking that the OW is nasty for many reasons but not for revealing.

OP, there is a lot in this thread about telling the other woman or not. For me, that raises the bigger issue of how much to say about the infidelity and to whom.

I am 15 years out from serial infidelity. Now exDH was not forthcoming when confronted about it and lied extensively to manipulate me into staying. I can say firmly that, in retrospect, keeping his behavior secret was harmful to ME and the KIDS. It isolated me. It made me feel like I was living a fake, inauthentic life. It cut me off from friendships because people didn’t know the real me. People didn’t understand the deep degree of trauma I was going through in my life and so the decisions I was making didn’t seem to make sense from the outside. It kept me in contact with my abuser (and, yes, infidelity is a deep form of emotional abuse), which only traumatized me further.

I did tell one or two friends I thought would be supportive and I told my family, who were all supportive. But, I should have told my ex-husband’s family about the reasons for the end of the marriage. I should have also told a much wider circle of friends and mutual colleagues. And, eventually, my kids should have known - it has been deeply corrosive for them to grow up in a divorce where a false front is put on. They do not understand their Dad’s behavior nor mine at times because they do not understand the context and they draw incorrect conclusions on the basis of lack of information. And, as is natural for kids, they draw conclusions that wrongly blame themselves for his lack of affection when it is really a character flaw unto himself.

IME, I should have also not caved to societal pressure to try to keep the marriage intact. IME, the marriage you had is dead upon the discovery of infidelity and there is really no rebuilding unless you are in the very rare circumstance that your DH has immediately confessed on his own and willingly entered therapy to address his issues and make amends. It is impossible to rebuild a healthy marriage on a foundation of lies with a person who lacks the capacity for self-examination, self-regulation, and open communication, negotiation and honesty.

The only people advising not telling the AP’s husband are cheaters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I do agree strongly that you should get tested for STDs immediately. Your DH can be remorseful as hell but viruses don't care about his remorse. And some STDs have virtually no symptoms for years, so it's impossible to know if one has them based on how one feels. Sadly, you need STD testing, at a minimum to rule them out so you can move on with that concern off your plate.

You're responding to me and it's definitely a nuanced ethical consideration. I don't know that it's "stooping" to do something when it's sharing vital information that is being purposely kept from someone. But it's certainly not a black/white issue when it comes to who should disclose. Ideally, OW would tell her husband on her own. EVEN MORE IDEALLY, there'd be no affair to tell about, amirite? It's not an ideal situation so we're trying to do the least harm. Maybe that would be having the DH tell the OW she needs to tell her husband. IDK. That might reduce ongoing harm to the other betrayed spouse at the expense of OP. Would that be worth saving OP from the "stooping"?

I'm not a cruel person and I felt oddly protective of the OW's privacy after discovery, so my advice was not coming from a place of pot stirring or meddling. It was simply that as a BS, I am very defensive of my right to know the important facts of my life as soon as humanly possible. I have always felt that natural consequences were the best revenge . . . play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that. Having your spouse find out you've cheated on him after you went Bunny Boiler on your affair partner is a very natural consequence to your actual choices, just like your wife being blindsided by your crazy AP is a natural consequence of OP's husband cheating. They chose to enmesh their spouses with these other people, and that's on them. How those victimized spouses choose to deal with/end that enmeshment is something they don't have to answer to anyone for.

I might be swayed more to your POV if the OW hadn't sought out the OP here. It's hard to argue that the person who happily entered a love triangle with OP's husband and then told OP about it seeking revenge, or maybe a freed-up DH, has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret. She pushed that boulder down a hill herself. IMO it would be a kindness to give OW's hypothetical partner a heads up to jump out of the way.

I'm absolutely not saying the OW "has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret" -- not at ALL. The other woman is scum, as is the DH. I did not say or mean to imply that the OP owes her anything at all. I'm saying that if OP has to plan what to say, find out how to contact him (the OW and OP's DH aren't going to give her that info, are they?), stress over when and how to contact him, stress over how he might react, etc.-- all that is only adding to OP's immense stress right now. I don't see why she has to add that to her plate at this time. The focus here is on OP and OP's future. I think the OW's husband (if there is one) needs to know, actually, but advice telling OP she should make that effort herself is something I think adds to her stress.

It’s 2022. You can find anyone in a few short minutes.

I had a first name, age and general location and narrowed a list to 5 very quickly. From there finding the hit was easy.

^no stress. Tremendous relief.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I do agree strongly that you should get tested for STDs immediately. Your DH can be remorseful as hell but viruses don't care about his remorse. And some STDs have virtually no symptoms for years, so it's impossible to know if one has them based on how one feels. Sadly, you need STD testing, at a minimum to rule them out so you can move on with that concern off your plate.

You're responding to me and it's definitely a nuanced ethical consideration. I don't know that it's "stooping" to do something when it's sharing vital information that is being purposely kept from someone. But it's certainly not a black/white issue when it comes to who should disclose. Ideally, OW would tell her husband on her own. EVEN MORE IDEALLY, there'd be no affair to tell about, amirite? It's not an ideal situation so we're trying to do the least harm. Maybe that would be having the DH tell the OW she needs to tell her husband. IDK. That might reduce ongoing harm to the other betrayed spouse at the expense of OP. Would that be worth saving OP from the "stooping"?

I'm not a cruel person and I felt oddly protective of the OW's privacy after discovery, so my advice was not coming from a place of pot stirring or meddling. It was simply that as a BS, I am very defensive of my right to know the important facts of my life as soon as humanly possible. I have always felt that natural consequences were the best revenge . . . play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that. Having your spouse find out you've cheated on him after you went Bunny Boiler on your affair partner is a very natural consequence to your actual choices, just like your wife being blindsided by your crazy AP is a natural consequence of OP's husband cheating. They chose to enmesh their spouses with these other people, and that's on them. How those victimized spouses choose to deal with/end that enmeshment is something they don't have to answer to anyone for.

I might be swayed more to your POV if the OW hadn't sought out the OP here. It's hard to argue that the person who happily entered a love triangle with OP's husband and then told OP about it seeking revenge, or maybe a freed-up DH, has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret. She pushed that boulder down a hill herself. IMO it would be a kindness to give OW's hypothetical partner a heads up to jump out of the way.

I'm absolutely not saying the OW "has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret" -- not at ALL. The other woman is scum, as is the DH. I did not say or mean to imply that the OP owes her anything at all. I'm saying that if OP has to plan what to say, find out how to contact him (the OW and OP's DH aren't going to give her that info, are they?), stress over when and how to contact him, stress over how he might react, etc.-- all that is only adding to OP's immense stress right now. I don't see why she has to add that to her plate at this time. The focus here is on OP and OP's future. I think the OW's husband (if there is one) needs to know, actually, but advice telling OP she should make that effort herself is something I think adds to her stress.

It’s 2022. You can find anyone in a few short minutes.

I had a first name, age and general location and narrowed a list to 5 very quickly. From there finding the hit was easy.

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think AP’s husband doesn’t know? Maybe he knows and AP doesn’t care. I don’t think she’d do all this if she was worried about her husband finding out.

Well, then when she tells him he can just say “thanks for the heads up, but I already know”.

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think AP’s husband doesn’t know? Maybe he knows and AP doesn’t care. I don’t think she’d do all this if she was worried about her husband finding out.

That’s the dumbest cop out ever.

AP’s husband was clueless even as she got ridiculously riskier trying to ramp up her exit. Of course, once she was found out she whined, cried and blamed everyone else.

What makes you think AP’s husband doesn’t know? Maybe he knows and AP doesn’t care. I don’t think she’d do all this if she was worried about her husband finding out.

Anonymous wrote:So wait, DH was traveling for work and banging a side piece throughout the pandemic?

Very good point, PP. If he was doing this during the pandemic he's even worse, if that's possible. The first year of the pandemic, treatments weren't well established and there was no vaccine etc. Some otherwise healthy people were dying at that point. If he was risking bringing that home to his wife and teens, he's beyond awful. That would color my thoughts about the affair even more, if I were OP. Knowing he'd chosen his d**k over his family's health during a pandemic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I do agree strongly that you should get tested for STDs immediately. Your DH can be remorseful as hell but viruses don't care about his remorse. And some STDs have virtually no symptoms for years, so it's impossible to know if one has them based on how one feels. Sadly, you need STD testing, at a minimum to rule them out so you can move on with that concern off your plate.

You're responding to me and it's definitely a nuanced ethical consideration. I don't know that it's "stooping" to do something when it's sharing vital information that is being purposely kept from someone. But it's certainly not a black/white issue when it comes to who should disclose. Ideally, OW would tell her husband on her own. EVEN MORE IDEALLY, there'd be no affair to tell about, amirite? It's not an ideal situation so we're trying to do the least harm. Maybe that would be having the DH tell the OW she needs to tell her husband. IDK. That might reduce ongoing harm to the other betrayed spouse at the expense of OP. Would that be worth saving OP from the "stooping"?

I'm not a cruel person and I felt oddly protective of the OW's privacy after discovery, so my advice was not coming from a place of pot stirring or meddling. It was simply that as a BS, I am very defensive of my right to know the important facts of my life as soon as humanly possible. I have always felt that natural consequences were the best revenge . . . play stupid games, win stupid prizes and all that. Having your spouse find out you've cheated on him after you went Bunny Boiler on your affair partner is a very natural consequence to your actual choices, just like your wife being blindsided by your crazy AP is a natural consequence of OP's husband cheating. They chose to enmesh their spouses with these other people, and that's on them. How those victimized spouses choose to deal with/end that enmeshment is something they don't have to answer to anyone for.

I might be swayed more to your POV if the OW hadn't sought out the OP here. It's hard to argue that the person who happily entered a love triangle with OP's husband and then told OP about it seeking revenge, or maybe a freed-up DH, has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret. She pushed that boulder down a hill herself. IMO it would be a kindness to give OW's hypothetical partner a heads up to jump out of the way.

I'm absolutely not saying the OW "has some sort of right to expect OP to keep that love triangle a secret" -- not at ALL. The other woman is scum, as is the DH. I did not say or mean to imply that the OP owes her anything at all. I'm saying that if OP has to plan what to say, find out how to contact him (the OW and OP's DH aren't going to give her that info, are they?), stress over when and how to contact him, stress over how he might react, etc.-- all that is only adding to OP's immense stress right now. I don't see why she has to add that to her plate at this time. The focus here is on OP and OP's future. I think the OW's husband (if there is one) needs to know, actually, but advice telling OP she should make that effort herself is something I think adds to her stress.

Anonymous wrote:

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I think you are wrong. If there is another betrayed spouse in this scenario, OP should tell that husband. This isn’t to punish the AP (even though she deserves it), but to inform the other spouse of the truth of their own life, allow them to protect their own health (much like multiple posters have advised OP to have STD testing) and, in the event OP wants to try and reconcile with her spouse, having two sets of eyes on the situation is helpful. The betrayed spouses can also compare notes on the stories they are being told. Not the point of telling at all, but actions have consequences- why protect the AP? OP doesn’t tell to be vindictive, she should tell because people deserve to know the truths of their own lives.

It's not "protecting the AP" to choose not to tell the husband. It's protecting OP's own self. OP would have to take the time to find out how to contact him, make that contact, risk having him spew vitriol at her if he doesn't believe her (or even if he does) and gets angry with her, etc. As for "two sets of eyes on the situation," OP can't know if the husband would keep eyes on it or even believe her. And talk of consequences for the AP, via telling her husband--it's sorely tempting to want to create those consequences but I thnk the effort and time OP would spend on it is effort and time OP should be spending on herself.

I actually prefer the idea of both spouses knowing everything. But I think that the effort to tell the other wronged spouse could be damaging to OP. I get the idea that "people deserve to know the truths of their own lives" but certainly right now and for a while to come, OP has to focus on herself, their kids and what she will do next in her own life. I'm not saying the AP should be let off the hook but I think OP's needs trump contacting the DH, even if he objectively really does deserve to know. (If there is one. I can't recall if there's any post saying the other woman is married in this specific case.)

I do think STDs are one reason to tell the husband no matter what so Im a bit conflicted. Maybe wait until one's own test results are back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty hot honestly.

Yep.

Op - be honest.

1. Who is prettier?
2. Emotionally you’ll never have the connection with dh that she had in her teens with him

Ok, this is crazy. I’m still kind of in love with my high school and college boyfriend. He’s married with kids and I haven’t seen him in years and would never ever have an affair with a married man. We were super serious and into each other for five years. On the rare occasion when we email, like every three years or so, I feel a connection and longing and we just click.

But I would never assert that I had a more special connection with him than he does with the mother of his children! That’s just nuts. And I don’t have kids

Why are you on a parenting board if you don’t have kids?

This post has some good advice in it. The bold is NOT among the good advice. OP should not descend to the AP's low, low level. Plus: The effort OP would spend on finding out how to tell the AP's husband is effort OP should be spending on other things like talking to a lawyer and a therapist and doing the self-care the PP rightly advocates.

Also, OP, you do not owe this PP, or any of us here, any further details about the other woman or her marriage etc. At all. Nope.

I think you are wrong. If there is another betrayed spouse in this scenario, OP should tell that husband. This isn’t to punish the AP (even though she deserves it), but to inform the other spouse of the truth of their own life, allow them to protect their own health (much like multiple posters have advised OP to have STD testing) and, in the event OP wants to try and reconcile with her spouse, having two sets of eyes on the situation is helpful. The betrayed spouses can also compare notes on the stories they are being told. Not the point of telling at all, but actions have consequences- why protect the AP? OP doesn’t tell to be vindictive, she should tell because people deserve to know the truths of their own lives.

Anonymous wrote:Three years? And I'd bet she wasn't the only one.

Kick him out.

I bet she was.