Reply to How to survive separating in place with a cheater

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’ll give you a different perspective. It sounds to me like he is highly ambivalent about both relationships and about intimacy in general. I bet if you became pleasant and neutral and “no problem” about this he would stay indefinitely. Right now he is too much of a coward to make a choice, and you pushing him away is choosing for him. He’s hoping you will do that and that’s why he contacted this woman again. But he doesn’t really intend to leave you for her as that would involve a new commitment and a new set of problems.

Has he said anything about what he actually wants? From the marriage or from his emotional life in general?

I would cut the drama, it’s not getting you anywhere… no more crying and begging. You need to decide what you want from this and play your cards accordingly. If what you want is for this sorry excuse of a guy to stay with you I can pretty much guarantee that he will if you suddenly become understanding and non clingy. If you want him to leave and to punish him that will come at a cost to your child and only you can decide if it will be worth it in the long run.[/quote]

Also, he can say what he wants to the OW. All the ILY in the world doesn’t change the facts. He’s married to you and you have a kid. I bet he hasn’t told her that you want him out and he’s begging to stay, under the guise of “what’s best for the kid.” He tells her that you’re giving him a hard time. She’s his escape. But if he didn’t have anything to escape from and he had to make a big boy choice for himself, no way in hell he goes to her. He wouldn’t be able to handle the responsibility of giving up the marriage.

If you want him, you play the long game until she gets tired of waiting and disappears. If you don’t want him, then sure use this as a reason to get rid of him.

Either way be clear with yourself that this move shouldn’t be about getting him to love you. That may or may not happen with the set up you have. Just think for yourself about the practicalities of what you want and don’t let your fear of hurt and rejection cloud your judgment about financial and practical matters.[/quote]

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