Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

OP here, and I sort of see your point but don't totally agree. For instance, being able to put my child's full name on childhood mementos that I want to pass down to him isn't about me -- my goal in changing his name is to give him something important to carry with him, and wanting to put that name on mementos and other things is part of that.

Maybe I'm not explaining this right. I don't want to change his middle name so that I can call him by another name. I want to give him a middle name so that he can have something important for himself. My middle name is important to me. I know some people don't care about theirs and if he doesn't I'm totally okay with that. But I hate the idea of him disliking his middle name or thinking "ugh, why did my parents give me this name - they don't even like it" and not being able to tell him otherwise.

It just feels like a lapse in my care for him, that I caved on something that he's going to have to carry with him his whole life instead of taking the time to say "no, I want to give my son the right name that I chose with care." I want to correct that mistake.

I really do view this as something I am doing for him and not just for me or my ego.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.

But even if they WERE all about her... who CARES?! Are her feelings irrelevant?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the feedback. This was a really useful way for me to think through all the pros and cons.

I've talked it over with my husband, I think we are going to add the name I've picked out as a second middle name. That way we're not taking anything away from DS and he can choose later in life if he wants to use either middle name or both. Or neither! I think being able to name your child is just something that mattered to me more than I thought it did, and I just basically gave it up -- his first name was my DH's choice (I like it a lot but it comes from my DH's side of the family and was very important to him) and he has my DH's last name. The middle name was something we'd agreed I would get to choose and in the end I didn't -- I caved to intense pressure from my mom (she became very depressed during my pregnancy and held me hostage to this name, saying it was only thing that would make her feel any better and that if I chose another name she would consider it a persona insult) and as a result I didn't really choose my son's name. I get many of you seem to think this is no big deal and that middle names don't matter, and that's fine for you. But in my case, it was a big deal to me and my son's middle name really matters to me.

To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

For what it's worth, my mom gave me my middle name and it's really important to me and I value it even though obviously our relationship is complex. In a way, getting to choose my own son's middle name is a way of honoring that connection I have with my mom, even if she won't see it that way.

I know some of you won't care about this explanation and simply view it as further evidence that I'm crazy or a bad mom, and I'm okay with that. But I thought it was worth providing it for the sake of clarification and in case there are any other people like me out there who might benefit from hearing about my thinking. Wishing you all the best.

Anonymous wrote:
To posters saying I need therapy, thanks. I've been in therapy since I experienced postpartum depression when my son was born, and my relationship with my mom and learning to detach from her manipulation tactics and set healthy boundaries has been a huge part of that. That is specifically why the name issue continues to bother me -- because now that I better understand how to assert myself and deal with her behavior, my son's name is a strong reminder of how hard that used to be for me and how miserable she used to make me. This name change is something I've discussed with my therapist (who is supportive) and is absolutely part of me developing a healthier relationship with my mom.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also hate my DC's middle name. It was a family name for my DH and I caved on it when I really wanted my maiden name as child's middle name. 10 years later, it still bothers me. That said, I'm not going to change it. It's too much of a nightmare and I don't want the mismatching birth cert, passport, name change court docs, to be an issue in his future. Plus, it'd cause major friction between DH and myself.
I may name a new dog my chosen name just to make myself feel better. Or, there will always be the grandkids

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is silly. A name change for a middle name that he doesn't use? Just don't use it.

OP here. To be clear, if we changed his name we would start using his middle name. We just don't use the current one because I don't really like it and we have no strong feelings or connection to it. It was forced on us by someone who isn't really a big part of our family anymore.

What does it mean to “use” the middle name?
Would you call him by the new middle? Hopefully not, because that’s just like changing the first name to the person being addressed.
How else is a middle name “used”?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I use my middle name. I use it professionally a lot because my name is otherwise pretty common, and I also use it because I like it. So I guess I am biased because my own middle name is important to me, and I failed to give my son one that could be important to him.

When I say we will use it, what I mean is that I currently refrain from using my son's middle name unless forced to for administrative purposes. I never call him by that name and don't write it down anywhere ever.

If we changed it, I'd do things like put it in the title of the photo books we make for him periodically, use it more in school paperwork, make sure he knows what it is. And, if like me he ever wanted or needed to use it professionally, I would be happy to see him using his full name. Right now, if he ever decided to go by his first and middle name for any reason, I think it would give me a little pang of sadness. Not a big deal, I know, but I don't want to feel sad when I see my son's name.

I understand that feeling of regret, and it's hard, but all the reasons above are about you rather than your child.