Some posters say that you have to give first before you receive. While this may be true in a lot of cases, it doesn't always happen.

When my parents were younger, in their 30s & 40s, they used to host fancy dinner parties for their friends a couple times per year. My mother is an excellent cook! These gourmet dinners usually consisted of 'amuse-bouches' and champagne on arrival, followed by a 3-course dinner with fine wines + dessert and coffee. My mother would do all the cooking herself, except the dessert, which was bought. My parents would pride themselves on being good hosts. They liked to make people feel welcome. They also loved dressing the dinner table with their best table linen, a beautiful dinner service, flowers, etc. They enjoyed that kind of thing.

My parents' friends all loved coming to these dinners! They brought a present for my mom and they had a good time. However, after a number of years my parents came to the conclusion that meals were never or hardly ever reciprocated. Usually about 8 to 10 guests would come to my parents house, but most of them never hosted anything. Putting on a great dinner with quality food and good wine is expensive and, although my parents loved doing this as a gesture to friends, they stopped hosting the dinners as it felt too one-sided in the end.

My father in his younger days was also generous and he would often buy a round at his local bar. Not everyone reciprocated when it was their turn and it became noticeable after a while ... Sometimes one gives but doesn't receive ...

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of givers don't get to play receiver.

The receivers are the ones who are very resourceful and typically very social.

This. The PPs saying “oh, you have to be very giving and support others and then they will support you” must have a different experience than me.

I was raised to be very giving and generous and that how I was for the first 15 years or so if adulthood. I was generous and forgiving with friends and colleagues (not a doormat, but I looked for the best in others and have them the benefit if the doubt). I volunteered a lot, helped people with their weddings and new babies, threw showers, organized meal trains, etc. I was also a part of several communities and actively participated in them— one in my longtime neighborhood, one through a long-time hobby, and one through a volunteering organization.

Several years ago, I went through a very difficult time. I withdrew to deal with a medical issue, a mental health concern, and some family stuff. I was not secretive about any if it, but also didn’t blast it on social media. I told people when I saw them as appropriate.

No one showed up for me from those communities. I mean no one. I was ok because my DH and a handful of close friends were there, and because I reached out for professional help when I needed it. But I didn’t receive a single offer of compassion or even a check in from those groups. The volunteer org I’d been with for years reached out simply to ask when I’d be available to volunteer, and when I said I didn’t know, they said “let us know!” and I never heard from them again. The hobby community was worse- just radio silence. Plus later I learned that some people had asked after me, but instead if anyone reaching out to me directly, people just speculated and it became a piece of gossip. Not nasty gossip, thankfully, but just something to talk about.

People in my neighborhood weren’t as indifferent, and since I see them more, those relationships persisted. A couple people told me they had talked about doing a meal train but weren’t sure if it was appropriate. I think people needed to be told what to do.

I’m a lot less generous now. Not stingy, but I prioritize my own happiness and well being waaaay over anyone else’s now. I used to wake up on a Saturday, briefly wish I didn’t have a volunteer shift or a neighborhood cleanup or something, but I’d do it because I said I would and because I was very conscientious. Not anymore. I don’t sign up for much now and I will bail on things if it’s what I need to feel my best.

I don’t know the magic that gets people those outpourings of support. I’m sure it’s a combination of things. But the idea that it’s just people reciprocating someone’s past generosity? It can’t just be that. What I’ve learned is that very few relationships are reciprocal in that way. People get taken for granted all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Simple. She gives to other people so she receives in return. Those relationships are cultivated over time with lots of little daily interactions. Checking in on friends via text. Chatting with neighbors at the mailbox. Posting and responding to posts on social media. Inviting friends for dinner. Volunteering to be the room parent in your child’s class. Volunteering to drive the carpool. Being the troop leader. Managing the little league team. Hosting play dates. Being friendly and chit chatting around town, at school drop off, at the office. These little acts keep her connected so she knows what’s going on in everyone else’s lives. She probably delivers flowers, meals, gifts to others all the time.

Ha ha what a joke.

It's popularity.

But what about the introverts who lack the social skills/techniques that extroverted, 'cool' or charismatic people possess? How do they build up their network? How do they find their tribe?

Anonymous wrote:They are extroverted.

They make you believe that you have a special relationship with them when in fact it's probably superficial. But they don't see any relationships as superficial they are all meaningful.

They think everyone is delighted to be with them and subsequently act that way in return.

They ask for help and over thank with what sounds like the most sincere gratitude.

They aren't necessarily givers and they aren't necessarily the kindest or the person who shows up. They make you feel like you are the most important thing in the moment so you feel like they spent real time with you and it might have been 20 minutes two months ago.

They aren't negative, they also find a solution in the moment.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Simple. She gives to other people so she receives in return. Those relationships are cultivated over time with lots of little daily interactions. Checking in on friends via text. Chatting with neighbors at the mailbox. Posting and responding to posts on social media. Inviting friends for dinner. Volunteering to be the room parent in your child’s class. Volunteering to drive the carpool. Being the troop leader. Managing the little league team. Hosting play dates. Being friendly and chit chatting around town, at school drop off, at the office. These little acts keep her connected so she knows what’s going on in everyone else’s lives. She probably delivers flowers, meals, gifts to others all the time.

Ha ha what a joke.

It's popularity.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

+1 Is your sister respected or respectable in some way? I have seen such people get the flowers and meals and cards.

Also, in some communities, once you are a part of it, this is how it goes. So nothing really special about the people in these communities, some groups are just very community-oriented.

+2. I think it is a "both and" situation. Yes, I think the prerequisite is to cultivate relationships and be kind and giving to a broad network, but there is also a important "social capital" factor of being charismatic, funny, likable, and yes, sometimes well-off and successful. In other words, I know quite a few very kind and giving people who don't necessarily get the ticker-tape parade treatment and it's not because they are not truly good and generous; they just don't have that second social capital/ charm factor in the same way.

+3 You have to be one of the “cool kids”.

Anonymous wrote:They are shallow relationships
Those relationships work well for "meal trains". Not much else.

Why so condescending? A meal train when you are sick is quite a big deal. Makes you feel you are not alone, that is really all you need 95% of the time.

Anonymous wrote:While the PPs aren't necessarily wrong, I think the idea that people have large support networks because they're kind/givers is a fallacy. I'm there for every friend when they're sick, pregnant, have a wedding, going through a divorce, depression, etc. Do you know who's there for me when I have surgery? One friend. It was awful.

On the other hand, my dad is a genuinely awesome guy, he's a stand up guy, but he's not necessarily a giver in this sense, he doesn't nurture and cultivate relationships, etc. Everyone loves him. When he went to the hospital for a surgery, even his dry-cleaner visited him.

It's sometimes about chemistry, sometimes about the environment, sometimes luck, it's not really something you can design and achieve IMHO.

+1 It’s charisma and often, financial generosity. My mom gave a lot of money to a lot of people and people were always grateful to her for that. (She also helped them in other ways, helping them find jobs, setting them up with good doctors etc.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

I have a good friend who is a Unitarian for this exact reason.

It did not work for us.

DMV or elsewhere?

Someone probably set up a FB organizational chart to provide meals and services. Or she belongs to a church that did that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who get these outpourings tend to friendly and nice, and also extroverted, and also really active on social media. I think it also helps to have a wide age crossrange of people to whom you are connected. Retirees, 20 somethings, middle aged people with teens who they want to do good deeds all have more capacity than dual employment couples with young kids.

For the person who would like the network you get with Church, but not Church. I think you can find a version of this in many hobbyist groups. I have it in an activist group I'm part of-few of the people are close friends but they would absolutely put together a meal train, give money, help out with tasks if I needed it enough to ask (which would be really hard for me). I even know people who have developed that sort of group through an exercise class. Part of it is just being active in your community so that you are a know person-even if you aren't friends with everyone.

Yes to the bolded. I am friendly and nice, but not on social media, and not extroverted. I have a good set of close friends who I could and would call in a crisis, and they would be there for me. But I think people know me as fiercely independent and a little private and for all those reasons probably no one who would jump up and pitch in without me asking. I would have to ask for it, and that's frankly the way I want it. But I do adore my friends, and regularly reach out to a small, close group privately for regular texts and calls, and it would never occur to me to "test" them by cutting off contact for a month or more to see who contacted me. I think a willingness and desire to do that reflects more on the person running the "test" than the friends who they are hoping will contact them.

My sister, OTOH, is very extroverted and very much on social media. I think if she were going through a publicly-known issue (and all of her issues are, through social media), she would have supportive messages, emojis, text message affirmations, and more meals than she'd know what to do with for about a week. And everyone who sent a meal or helped would get an over-the-top Instagram post about how awesome they are. And then it would peter out. Her DH is also the kind of person who never enters a room without leaving with a new friend and plans for lunch. He's the kind of guy whose barista and dry cleaner would show up at his funeral. It's not because he's "better" than me or anyone. Hell, baristas and dry cleaners probably don't want to be so close to every customer. But it's just who he is. It doesn't mean that my close circle of friends isn't good enough or there for me when I need them.

The PPs talking about how to make friends at all as an adult in a small, insular town are exploring a different question, IMO.

What do you mean?

so she knows what’s going on in everyone else’s lives

This is not a good thing. She's a busy body. Maybe people "come" when she says, "come" because they are afraid not to.

Anonymous wrote:Simple. She gives to other people so she receives in return. Those relationships are cultivated over time with lots of little daily interactions. Checking in on friends via text. Chatting with neighbors at the mailbox. Posting and responding to posts on social media. Inviting friends for dinner. Volunteering to be the room parent in your child’s class. Volunteering to drive the carpool. Being the troop leader. Managing the little league team. Hosting play dates. Being friendly and chit chatting around town, at school drop off, at the office. These little acts keep her connected so she knows what’s going on in everyone else’s lives. She probably delivers flowers, meals, gifts to others all the time.

Ha ha what a joke.

It's popularity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a huge network. I'm a giver, but my parents are bigger givers, and I think a lot of it is inherited good will.

+1

DP - My dad always said, “good always wins”. It is a mindset that definitely began at home. “Say what you mean, ans mean what you say.” “You get one reputation, respect it and protect it”

I don't know it feels like a popularity contest.

My SIL is like the OP's sister - and yet when our FIL was extremely ill (and he passed) I could not believe how selfish she was. It was awful! She didn't care or assist one bit. I was actually traumatized. So much for "family". No one would know this.

She would be the one to receive tons of attention were she to have surgery or what not.
I would not. Very limited support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it a tad annoying that people "get" these networks when they attend church.

What about us atheists? I am a good person and really crave the "church"-type of network.

I have a good friend who is a Unitarian for this exact reason.

It did not work for us.