Reply to S/o outsourcing cleaning as a relationship fix

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]A husband who genuinely loves his wife and respects her as a person [b]would change his ways[/b] after being shown how impossible it is for her to do everything (be a working mom and a SAHM who does 90% of child and house related tasks).[/quote]

No, because he doesn't agree that ALL of it needs to be done
And certainly not to his wife's standards. And probably most of it, not at all.
That includes schlepping the kids' around to activities.

He may not express this, or even think about it much, but likely that's how he's wired

And who is to say the more anal person should get their way? Just to keep them happy? No. No reason to think their way of life is better.

[/quote]

NP: sadly, this. It took me forever to understand. My DH views “housework” as doing dishes after meals, doing laundry (whether it gets put away now or later) and wiping or sweeping up anything particular gross. He helps with all of those things, and in his view he is “helping with half of the necessary housework”. He does not care about fingerprints, dust, crumbs, clutter, and feels it is totally fine to leave things lying around absolutely everywhere (why put it away if I will use it again soon?). If the shower doesn’t have visible mold/mildew and the bathroom floors or toilet aren’t truly nasty, he can still see himself in the mirror, etc- he sees no reason to clean them. He’s be fine with cleaning then bathrooms twice a year other than swishing the toilet- he’s maybe do that every 2wks. He just plain does not see anything beyond the most basic (dishes and laundry) of household tasks as “essential”. He seems them as a personal preference, almost like a hobby. To put it into a different perspective: I see yard work as mowing the lawn and removing snow when it snows. I’m happy to help with my 1/2 of those. If DH planted or put in some super elaborate landscaping that required an hour of daily maintenance, then expected me to “do half” I would refuse. I don’t care how much it makes him “happy”- it is unnecessary and not how I want to spend my free time. If he wants to, he can.

I HATE the above facts, but it is the truth, and it is how my DH sees it. I’ll bet tons of other messy people do too.

That’s the problem.  [/quote]

I am 100% Team DH in your above description.  It just seems logical and sane.  If you need to scrub invisible dirt to soothe the voices in your head, I suggest you treat your extreme anxiety.[/quote]

I'm mostly in camp DH, and honestly, that is what we do in our home.  We prioritize the essentials, and the rest gets done, but not as frequently as some households.  Then we also clean everything for company (because we are from the midwest and that is what you do).   There is a way to compromise here, though.  [b]There is something between "scrubbing invisible dirt" and "waiting until bathroom is visibly scummy"[/b].  You can probably negotiate a schedule that is fair to both.

And the PPs problem is almost exactly what hiring a cleaning service solves.  Husband helps with the "essential" day to day, but the rest of it is "extra".  If you can't afford it, do what you can and accept a lower level of cleanliness.  We should be teaching our kids both how to be respectful of shared spaces and basics for keeping things clean and sanitary.  But we should also be teaching them how to accept a little bit of mess in their lives.

[/quote]
No, there literally isn't.  That's the point.  If you're cleaning before there is visible scum, you are just cleaning to soothe your anxiety over made-up fears, and that is 100% her problem in her head that her husband should not be responsible for.[/quote]

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