Reply to I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

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[quote=Anonymous]As a black woman with a pained past of direcr and indirect, personal and social misfortune/abuse - and even micro aggressions still occurring today  — in my experience and that of most others who are at the point of not being ruffled when thinking about it; you have to learn to condemn that person, hate the behaviour, understand how it impacted you, and work to protect yourself against it again, without personally holding on to the pain they caused. How you do that can vary. It isn’t easy. But you asked how to move on and that is the only way.

And yeah, it sucks. But that is how you do it. The best revenge is becoming better after someone attempts to destroy or hurt you. It sounds like a trope to dismiss, but it is true. I say this as a person who has experienced a lot of “injustice” for reprehensible acts.

I am abhorred by rape, abuse, torture, interference with someone’s success. Ive worked for people that ripped apart everything I did to rebuild it and take the credit. I’ve been wronged by humans and at one point felt wronged by God when he took my child. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I accept the past or make peace with it. It means I actively stop engaging in thoughts that take me off course, I can responding emotionally without subconsciously letting those feelings prioritize my behavior; it means I have the ability to give myself a choice. It doesn’t mean I’m letting those people odd the hook. They are still on the hook, but I get down off of the hook with them.

For me, forgiveness had a gradual growth and replaced resentment. My pain created introspection and my ability to untangle from the personal injustice allowed me to look at the situation from the outside in. I acknowledged being a victim, but not any longer. I could listen to songs without being triggered. I wasn’t afraid to have faith anymore or hope. It meant being reminded or thinking about it could still make me angry, but I had it compartmentalized in a way where it did not impact other areas od my mind, heart, or spirit. It meant not being depressed, or not sabotaging future opportunities because of the difficulty in having g courage after mistreatment. That is all really, really hard to do.

My cognitive decision shapes my behaviour and I am respectful of my pain when it appears. I address it in a safe space.. When you can think about it, talk about, feel your anger but still stay in your peace? You have forgiven. It’s about you. Not them. It doesn’t mean you aren’t vigilant, or things are fair. It means the wound they caused closes and doesn’t remain open to infection.

With this in mind, maybe you have already started to forgive without realizing it. Getting off of their hook looks different for everyone. For me, it meant I trusted God with a prayer after devastation. It took a lonnnnnng time.

I’m sorry about your pain. I hope you find a path to healing or moving on in the best way for you. You have every right to proceed how you want without forgiving. But that is the way that you move on (which is what you specifically asked) and live your best life.

Thanks for being so willing to share and also confident in your needs and reasoning. I respect that. Others will too for sure. Joust be careful of motivations that are empowering or a catalyst for change in you or the circumstances that created your problem, and not using hate as motivation to create your own injustice. [/quote]

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