Reply to I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?

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Reply to "I deserve an apology. I’ll never get it. How do I move on?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Once again, thank you all for the kind words. It is heartening to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this.

Regarding forgiveness, I wanted to take a moment to explain my feelings on the matter, because I see it still be suggested as the only way to move on.

I do feel that forgiveness is a productive way to move on from a lot of kinds of harm. For instance, forgiving my parents for mistakes they made when they were young parents has been essential to my wellbeing. Forgiving my parents, who I know love me despite their mistakes, has allowed me to forge my own path as a parent. Forgiveness can liberating.

However, there are some things for which I do not think it is possible to forgive unless the person who committed the harm is accountable. I’m not going to get into what happened in my life, but some examples in this category would be: physical violence and/or sexual violations, acts of racism or misogyny (so not just thinking but overt acts), socially destructive actions such as spreading lies about a person’s character or past.

I understand why people say that forgiveness is something you do for yourself. But I think there are limits to that, and when a harmful act is particularly malicious or harmful, the act of forgiveness is too much to ask if the person harmed. It requires accepting some profound inequality in the world, or to accept a level of powerlessness with regards to a person who has abused you. I think, as a society, it is cruel to expect people harmed in this way to forgive. We should expend a lot more energy on asking people who commit this kind of harm to not only apologize but to make amends.

So that’s why I’ll never forgive the person who hurt me, and why I now disregard the advice that I should.[/quote]

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