Reply to Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.[/quote]

I am not trying to downplay what you're going through but I think that you are yelling at your DH about the wrong things. We're a family of 5 and you're right, not everything can be outsourced (although a biweekly cleaner DOES help!).

But the problem isn't that your DH isn't doing all those things, at least, to me, that isn't the primary problem. The problem is that he (presumably) knows this dynamic upsets you a lot and doesn't want to do anything to fix it. That is the fight I had with my husband in the beginning. That is the fight that let him to work on being more proactive. Maybe you've tried all this and your husband just totally sucks a in which case I would tell you to leave because life is too short, but sometimes when I see relationships like this it is because the wife IS mothering the husband instead of demanding him to be an equal partner. Don't fight about the garbage, fight about his refusal to be an equal partner. [/quote]

Ok, but how? I’ve tried sitting down and talking to him about it. He disagrees with my contention that it is unequal. He might do 5-10% better for a week or two. Then right back to his baseline. I’ve told him, calmly, that I just can’t do it and I am thinking of divorce. I don’t think he wants that but he also seems to think that so long as he is doing something (even if it’s only 5% of the total), then that’s enough or it counts or something.

We are going to try counseling but I have to find the counselor, make the appointment, arrange childcare, put it on DH’s calendar, budget for it, and all that extra labor makes me even more resentful/exhausted.[/quote]

So there is a core question here. Does your husband care that you are unhappy? If the answer is no, than IMO you should leave. If the answer is yes then the next question is, 'does he care enough to do anything about it?' Again, if at the end of the day the answer is 'not really' then leave.

He needs to believe you when you say you are exceptionally unhappy and you are ready to walk away, and what he does with that information is your answer. My husband doesn't like to see me unhappy and stressed out, that is what motivates him to try to help me. If your husband doesn't want you to be happy and less stressed out, or if is unwilling to exert any effort to make that happen, then you should not be exerting effort to preserve your marriage. And I say that even if you have kids. Divorce is damaging for children but so is watching your parent be perpetually unhappy and disrespected.

Holding your husband accountable and treating him like an adult means you also are prepared to follow up on the consequences if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain. [/quote]

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