As usual, 90% of the posts in this thread are internalized misogyny.

The one that offends me most is the idea that any woman who struggles with allocating household duties and childcare with her spouse has somehow failed by either:

1) Being too dumb to marry a "good" husband
2) Being too obtuse to realize her husband sucks more than other husbands
3) Being too lazy to train her "bad" husband
4) Being too incompetent to just do it herself
5) Being too high-strung to just accept less than perfect
6) Being too poor to just hire it out

Imagine what the world would be like if, instead of constantly trying to prove that we alone figured out how to solve gender inequality in our specific marriage by just being smarter or prettier or more organized than all the other lesser women. Imagine if instead we supported each other. Imagine if every time some man said "Whatever, you're never happy anyway so why should I try", all the women backed that man's wife up and said "No, dumbass, you need to try harder."

But no, let's just keep doing this instead. It's working out GREAT.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can’t control or change my husband.

I do what the OP suggests and it works but the feedback never gets embedded into his brain so we have to have the same conversation over and over again for years. It wears me down. It’s like every single day is a brand new day. I can never assume a foundational base of fundamental knowledge or that he will have learned.

Examples:

-I have to tell DH to pick up dirty diapers off the floor and put them in the garbage. Every single time.
-I have to tell DH, every single night, to please put his dishes in the dishwasher and then start it. If I don’t specifically mention that he needs to finish loading the dishes in, and THEN start it, he will just go start it half full and leave a bunch of dirty dishes on the counter for the morning.
-I have to tell DH to get the kids ready for the day (we trade of days for getting them ready). He has to be told, every time, what that means. I can’t just say “get the kids ready please”. It has to be “can you change them out of their jammies?” And then “can you put shoes on them?” And so on and so forth.

I’m exhausted and bitter.

I would say to him, “it concerns me that you need me to remind you to pick the dirty diapers off the floor every single day. Do you need this type of hand holding at work? No? Then why can’t you remember basic things at home?”

I wouldn’t be nasty but calm and genuine. Personally I suspect he is gas lighting you about not being able to remember but if he isn’t, that would suggest some pretty serious cognitive impairment. I mean that truthfully. I might actually say that to him so the embarrassment gets him off his ass.

I’m the pp. I’ve tried. There is no conversation. He shuts down completely when I bring it up. He cannot account for it or give me any kind of explanation. He just says he will do better and then doesn’t. Basically he just tries to say anything to shut me up and make me go away so the conversation can end as quickly as possible. Silence is his other go to.

My husband is very intelligent and does well at work but That’s it. That’s all he can really handle. We shouldn’t have had 2 kids, or he should have married someone different from me, someone without a career who would be content doing all the housework.

Oof, PP! I feel you on this. My husband is very kind and is willing to pitch in as long as given instructions, but I feel like he is just sort of incapable of doing as much as me on a regular basis. He feels like he deserves a break after work or on the weekends where he can just put his feet up. Which... OK, but we have kids and a household and full-time jobs. If we both took as much of a break as he seems to need, we would be living in squalor and our children would be unfed. So... he gets irritated when I ask him to get off the couch and do a chore. But yet -- this is all still stuff that needs to get done. But then again, he would be 100% OK with never cleaning anything and ordering takeout every day of the week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound ridiculous. You can’t make a gown man do anything. So he brings back the wrong item from a store. You tell him to go back, he says no. What are you going to do? Have a tantrum? Threaten divorce over him getting green grapes instead of red grapes?

You sound ridiculous. What husband doesn’t want to bring the right things back? He should want to be good enough for you. And vice versa.

You don’t have to make him go back the first time. Gently point out what he forgot and remind him to get it the next time. But if it continues to happen, that indicates a serious lack of respect. Then you should make an issue of it.

Anonymous wrote:I really can’t control or change my husband.

I do what the OP suggests and it works but the feedback never gets embedded into his brain so we have to have the same conversation over and over again for years. It wears me down. It’s like every single day is a brand new day. I can never assume a foundational base of fundamental knowledge or that he will have learned.

Examples:

-I have to tell DH to pick up dirty diapers off the floor and put them in the garbage. Every single time.
-I have to tell DH, every single night, to please put his dishes in the dishwasher and then start it. If I don’t specifically mention that he needs to finish loading the dishes in, and THEN start it, he will just go start it half full and leave a bunch of dirty dishes on the counter for the morning.
-I have to tell DH to get the kids ready for the day (we trade of days for getting them ready). He has to be told, every time, what that means. I can’t just say “get the kids ready please”. It has to be “can you change them out of their jammies?” And then “can you put shoes on them?” And so on and so forth.

I’m exhausted and bitter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, you sound like his Mother. Your way of teaching your DH to clean the bathroom is how I teach my sons. My DH knows how to clean a bathroom better than I do by learning from his Mother. If your DH is not cleaning the bathroom to your standards, then you should be the one with that chore, or you should learn to accept the way he does it. I mean, you can tell him you don't think it's clean enough, and if he wants you to teach him, then go for it, but don't think it helps any relationship to treat your partner like a child.

You are the one being trained here, and you don't even see it.

+2

It’s sad that they don’t seem to get it. They’re being gas lit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

I am not trying to downplay what you're going through but I think that you are yelling at your DH about the wrong things. We're a family of 5 and you're right, not everything can be outsourced (although a biweekly cleaner DOES help!).

But the problem isn't that your DH isn't doing all those things, at least, to me, that isn't the primary problem. The problem is that he (presumably) knows this dynamic upsets you a lot and doesn't want to do anything to fix it. That is the fight I had with my husband in the beginning. That is the fight that let him to work on being more proactive. Maybe you've tried all this and your husband just totally sucks a in which case I would tell you to leave because life is too short, but sometimes when I see relationships like this it is because the wife IS mothering the husband instead of demanding him to be an equal partner. Don't fight about the garbage, fight about his refusal to be an equal partner.

Ok, but how? I’ve tried sitting down and talking to him about it. He disagrees with my contention that it is unequal. He might do 5-10% better for a week or two. Then right back to his baseline. I’ve told him, calmly, that I just can’t do it and I am thinking of divorce. I don’t think he wants that but he also seems to think that so long as he is doing something (even if it’s only 5% of the total), then that’s enough or it counts or something.

We are going to try counseling but I have to find the counselor, make the appointment, arrange childcare, put it on DH’s calendar, budget for it, and all that extra labor makes me even more resentful/exhausted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really can’t control or change my husband.

I do what the OP suggests and it works but the feedback never gets embedded into his brain so we have to have the same conversation over and over again for years. It wears me down. It’s like every single day is a brand new day. I can never assume a foundational base of fundamental knowledge or that he will have learned.

Examples:

-I have to tell DH to pick up dirty diapers off the floor and put them in the garbage. Every single time.
-I have to tell DH, every single night, to please put his dishes in the dishwasher and then start it. If I don’t specifically mention that he needs to finish loading the dishes in, and THEN start it, he will just go start it half full and leave a bunch of dirty dishes on the counter for the morning.
-I have to tell DH to get the kids ready for the day (we trade of days for getting them ready). He has to be told, every time, what that means. I can’t just say “get the kids ready please”. It has to be “can you change them out of their jammies?” And then “can you put shoes on them?” And so on and so forth.

I’m exhausted and bitter.

I would say to him, “it concerns me that you need me to remind you to pick the dirty diapers off the floor every single day. Do you need this type of hand holding at work? No? Then why can’t you remember basic things at home?”

I wouldn’t be nasty but calm and genuine. Personally I suspect he is gas lighting you about not being able to remember but if he isn’t, that would suggest some pretty serious cognitive impairment. I mean that truthfully. I might actually say that to him so the embarrassment gets him off his ass.

I’m the pp. I’ve tried. There is no conversation. He shuts down completely when I bring it up. He cannot account for it or give me any kind of explanation. He just says he will do better and then doesn’t. Basically he just tries to say anything to shut me up and make me go away so the conversation can end as quickly as possible. Silence is his other go to.

My husband is very intelligent and does well at work but That’s it. That’s all he can really handle. We shouldn’t have had 2 kids, or he should have married someone different from me, someone without a career who would be content doing all the housework.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound ridiculous. You can’t make a gown man do anything. So he brings back the wrong item from a store. You tell him to go back, he says no. What are you going to do? Have a tantrum? Threaten divorce over him getting green grapes instead of red grapes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

I often think the same thing about the 2x monthly cleaning service advice! I totally agree that houses need daily sweeping, tidying, and vacuuming (esp. if you have little kids and or pets) and bathrooms need to be cleaned at least once a week.

People must be living in filth around here if they think 2x a month makes a house clean.

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound ridiculous. You can’t make a gown man do anything. So he brings back the wrong item from a store. You tell him to go back, he says no. What are you going to do? Have a tantrum? Threaten divorce over him getting green grapes instead of red grapes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

I am not trying to downplay what you're going through but I think that you are yelling at your DH about the wrong things. We're a family of 5 and you're right, not everything can be outsourced (although a biweekly cleaner DOES help!).

But the problem isn't that your DH isn't doing all those things, at least, to me, that isn't the primary problem. The problem is that he (presumably) knows this dynamic upsets you a lot and doesn't want to do anything to fix it. That is the fight I had with my husband in the beginning. That is the fight that let him to work on being more proactive. Maybe you've tried all this and your husband just totally sucks a in which case I would tell you to leave because life is too short, but sometimes when I see relationships like this it is because the wife IS mothering the husband instead of demanding him to be an equal partner. Don't fight about the garbage, fight about his refusal to be an equal partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes me crazy how everyone always says a cleaning service will magically solve this problem. Or that I need to “relax my standards”.

We are a family of 4 and every day entails dishes/laundry/straightening/sweeping/garbage. You can’t outsource all of that unless you can afford a daily housekeeper.

This isn’t a matter of me having exacting standards and wanting a perfect house. It’s basic health and safety. We have to take out garbage, pick up toys off the floor, clean up spills, or it creates hazards for our children’s well being and safety.

I have to remind/cajole/demand/tell/yell at DH to do anything at all. And then praise/honor/appreciate him for every little thing. I’m so exhausted. I have my own job.

I am not trying to downplay what you're going through but I think that you are yelling at your DH about the wrong things. We're a family of 5 and you're right, not everything can be outsourced (although a biweekly cleaner DOES help!).

But the problem isn't that your DH isn't doing all those things, at least, to me, that isn't the primary problem. The problem is that he (presumably) knows this dynamic upsets you a lot and doesn't want to do anything to fix it. That is the fight I had with my husband in the beginning. That is the fight that let him to work on being more proactive. Maybe you've tried all this and your husband just totally sucks a in which case I would tell you to leave because life is too short, but sometimes when I see relationships like this it is because the wife IS mothering the husband instead of demanding him to be an equal partner. Don't fight about the garbage, fight about his refusal to be an equal partner.