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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men.  So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation.  But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution.  That is a good idea.  My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated.  Thx for understanding.  Maybe I can find a third party to do it.[/quote]

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell.  The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation.  I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.[/quote]

I often used the threat of telling neighbors, parents, etc. it would ruin his reputation. I haven’t yet for the sake of our kids but he knows it is a hammer that could fall on him at any time. Not a great way to live I know but this is where we are. [/quote]

He'll continue to cheat because all you do is talk talk talk with zero action. You're like the parent that constantly yells at their kids because they haven't learned effective parenting skills.

[/quote]

DP from this thread.  I DID tell his mother and Aunt immediately (they are long distance and never see the kids anyways) and another male relative who is very close to both of us.  I did get a post-nip and kick him out of the house for a few weeks (kids thought it was work travel).

The dysfunction cane from his severely messed up childhood his mother refused to ever talk about (alcoholic cheating father, her holding a gun to him, her basically ignoring his needs/cold).  Now she is addressing how both her almost 50-year old sons are failures in marriages and she has a part to play—nothing like his monster father—but denial and neglect from the time they were 7 years old until now was on her.  I will not do the same.

I will NOT tell neighbors or any of relatives they see all of the time.  I can’t have it slipping out at a Holiday dinner and I refuse to put my widowed mom through stress alone in Covid.

I don’t want my kids to be the target of malicious gossip and social isolation because of what their father did.  It becomes socially isolating when you are protecting your children.

You cannot judge unless you have been put through this special kind of hell.  It is a PTSD situation that changes people for life.[/quote]

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