Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again we witness the emotional absurdity of Americans. Your spouse had an affair. They feel remorse. They chose to have children with you. They chose to share finances with you. They chose a home with you.

How addicted are Americans to the Disney fairytales that you believe one person can satisfy your every need in a marriage? Sometimes sex is just..sex. Obviously there is so emotion involved. Most people aren’t emotionless psychos.

Move on.

Yep I agree move on. His only worth will be his paycheck, retirement and a stable home for kids and grand-kids. Sex may just be sex, and a marriage can last without love. Especially after one cheated. It goes both way fyi

It’s not a Disney fairytale to not want your spouse screwing some male or female whore without protection...and lying and taking time and resources from family. Those responses are from dysfunctional people who never witnessed a happy marriage and compartmentalize and gas light to avoid guilt.

Anonymous wrote:Once again we witness the emotional absurdity of Americans. Your spouse had an affair. They feel remorse. They chose to have children with you. They chose to share finances with you. They chose a home with you.

How addicted are Americans to the Disney fairytales that you believe one person can satisfy your every need in a marriage? Sometimes sex is just..sex. Obviously there is so emotion involved. Most people aren’t emotionless psychos.

Move on.

Yep I agree move on. His only worth will be his paycheck, retirement and a stable home for kids and grand-kids. Sex may just be sex, and a marriage can last without love. Especially after one cheated. It goes both way fyi

We're 13 years out. I'm gad we're still together, but it was hell to go through, and sometimes it's still hard.

The statistics will tell you that some huge number stay together after infidelity - well over 2/3, I think. They don't say how many are happy and fulfilled.

When we aren't getting along (like any regular marriage, we have peaks and valleys) I think there is no way this marriage lasts a lifetime. But we have fun together, we enjoy spending time together, we're well matched. The other day we were talking about celebrity divorces (there was some thread on DCUM talking about how many celebrities were divorcing right now) and I said, at least we still like each other. So who knows.

Good luck OP and other long term marriage poster. I hope you can be of help to each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men. So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation. But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution. That is a good idea. My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated. Thx for understanding. Maybe I can find a third party to do it.

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell. The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation. I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.

I often used the threat of telling neighbors, parents, etc. it would ruin his reputation. I haven’t yet for the sake of our kids but he knows it is a hammer that could fall on him at any time. Not a great way to live I know but this is where we are.

He'll continue to cheat because all you do is talk talk talk with zero action. You're like the parent that constantly yells at their kids because they haven't learned effective parenting skills.

DP from this thread. I DID tell his mother and Aunt immediately (they are long distance and never see the kids anyways) and another male relative who is very close to both of us. I did get a post-nip and kick him out of the house for a few weeks (kids thought it was work travel).

The dysfunction cane from his severely messed up childhood his mother refused to ever talk about (alcoholic cheating father, her holding a gun to him, her basically ignoring his needs/cold). Now she is addressing how both her almost 50-year old sons are failures in marriages and she has a part to play—nothing like his monster father—but denial and neglect from the time they were 7 years old until now was on her. I will not do the same.

I will NOT tell neighbors or any of relatives they see all of the time. I can’t have it slipping out at a Holiday dinner and I refuse to put my widowed mom through stress alone in Covid.

I don’t want my kids to be the target of malicious gossip and social isolation because of what their father did. It becomes socially isolating when you are protecting your children.

You cannot judge unless you have been put through this special kind of hell. It is a PTSD situation that changes people for life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly what a idiot. Some pos co-cheater isn't ever worth the destruction of your family.

If my spouse cheated they would be dead to me, but at the end of the day my kids and their future trumps all. I know people whose grand-kids don't want much to do with them....all because of cheating.

It really does destroy families. All of these clueless cheaters “I’m doing it to save my marriage BS”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men. So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation. But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution. That is a good idea. My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated. Thx for understanding. Maybe I can find a third party to do it.

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell. The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation. I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.

I often used the threat of telling neighbors, parents, etc. it would ruin his reputation. I haven’t yet for the sake of our kids but he knows it is a hammer that could fall on him at any time. Not a great way to live I know but this is where we are.

He'll continue to cheat because all you do is talk talk talk with zero action. You're like the parent that constantly yells at their kids because they haven't learned effective parenting skills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly what a idiot. Some pos co-cheater isn't ever worth the destruction of your family.

If my spouse cheated they would be dead to me, but at the end of the day my kids and their future trumps all. I know people whose grand-kids don't want much to do with them....all because of cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Exactly. This guy is just so clueless. He keeps on saying I'm willing to do whatever and then the next sentence is but ....I'd prefer to break up. No self awareness at all. No wonder this guy's wife isn't sure: first of all it's too early at 10 months and then this guy is just clueless enough that he'll do it again in the future.

Anonymous wrote:Following this. We are 10 months out from wife discovering my affair and we have made some strides but then some setbacks. I am willing to do whatever is necessary but at some point, if she is just going to resent me forever, then I prefer we break up now.

Still all about your needs, eh?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 3 months out from discovery (24 years together). He desperately wants the marriage and doing all of the things you cited.

I know myself. I will NEVER get over it. It took place over 4 years.

I have a 12 and 14 year old. I don’t know if I can hang on until they go to college.

I’m so f-omg disgusted with him and the married woman he cheated with.

I hope they both die.

3 months is still really raw. You have every right to feel as you do. If you really want it to work out, assess in six months, a year, and see if you are making progress. But it will scar you forever. I am five years out, we are together but I still hurt every day

I really wish the OW/OM and betrayer could know the severe pain and psychological damage they inflict on the innocent parties. In my case, the OW was married and used to cyber stalk me (I wasn’t even aware).

I agree. I’ve head it can take 1/2 the length of the marriage to remotely recover. For those 20+ years in, that’s a lifetime wasted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men. So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation. But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution. That is a good idea. My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated. Thx for understanding. Maybe I can find a third party to do it.

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell. The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation. I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.

I often used the threat of telling neighbors, parents, etc. it would ruin his reputation. I haven’t yet for the sake of our kids but he knows it is a hammer that could fall on him at any time. Not a great way to live I know but this is where we are.

Anonymous wrote:The ones I know who stayed married are miserable but their religious families strongly disapprove of divorce.

There are days I am miserable but with kids at home I have tried so hard to give them a sense of normalcy. There is resentment too and I don’t know the future but I know divorce would create many different headaches.

Anonymous wrote:I’m 3 months out from discovery (24 years together). He desperately wants the marriage and doing all of the things you cited.

I know myself. I will NEVER get over it. It took place over 4 years.

I have a 12 and 14 year old. I don’t know if I can hang on until they go to college.

I’m so f-omg disgusted with him and the married woman he cheated with.

I hope they both die.

3 months is still really raw. You have every right to feel as you do. If you really want it to work out, assess in six months, a year, and see if you are making progress. But it will scar you forever. I am five years out, we are together but I still hurt every day

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men. So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation. But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution. That is a good idea. My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated. Thx for understanding. Maybe I can find a third party to do it.

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell. The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation. I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.

It would depend on the length of the affair. The unprotected sex factor as well. Some people need to do it for closure. Additionally, you have another set of eyes watching.

People having affairs are broken people. There is something wrong with them. Most have zero introspection. They will never be happy. I also think everyone has a day when they will caught, even the most accomplished cheaters.

It's hard to reconcile them sleeping like a baby and skipping away when you can't eat/sleep or work for weeks on end and your life will never be the same. When you find out your spouse who you had regular sex with was having unprotected sex with someone else---you feel like you have been raped. You really want this person's spouse to know so they can protect themselves and not end up paying this lowlife undue alimony, etc. in the future.

Anonymous wrote:op here — for those who are urging me ro tell AP’s spouse, I am considering it but there are many reasons here for me to believe that the affair was part of a fantasy for him and that he knew about it and was part of looking for additional men. So, yes, the risks are huge health wise but I am not sure the ethics for me are exactly the same as if it was a more traditional situation. But I am considering it seriously — just a note that his wife does have intercourse with men without protection in case he wants to use precaution. That is a good idea. My heart is so full of anger at him as well as his wife that it has felt more complicated. Thx for understanding. Maybe I can find a third party to do it.

This is just me, but I wouldn't tell. The last thing I need is bringing more people into the situation. I have no idea how they react, if they say something publicly, bring my kids into the mix, etc. Best revenge is moving on and living a good life, or whatever moving on means to you.